Ever wonder how to have “The Talk” with your date? Discussing safer sex issues and concerns can bring a lot of ease to a new or an established connection, and sets the groundwork for talking about challenging things.
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech.
Reid’s write up on the Safer Sex Elevator Speech is here:
ReidAboutSex.com/safersexelevatorspeech/
Cathy: Have you ever wondered how to talk to someone about safer sex, STDs, or whether it’s comfortable to go to bed with them?
Reid: When it’s time for the talk, do you choke and not for good reasons?
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: And Reid has a great safer sex elevator speech that makes it really easy and actually kind of fun to talk to someone about it.
Reid: A lot of people don’t know how to do the safer sex elevator speech because no one’s really taught them.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And they don’t have a way that works for them to have that conversation. So you end up making it anew all the time or not being really sure what it is you’re supposed to be saying and so what we end up doing is we end up waiting for the other person to start the conversation so it will become easier. So my basic approach to this is when you start wondering if it’s time to have the safer sex conversation, or you’re waiting for the other person to initiate it, that’s your signal. It’s time to have the conversation. What I would recommend is using like a little template, which I like to call my safer sex elevator speech as a means of like you know how to do this so when you have the confidence of knowing what to say, it’s easier to start the conversation.
Cathy: I’ve actually blamed it on Reid before. I’ve said hey, this guy I know has this talk that you can do. Because when I first did it I was really awkward and shy and I said can we go through this together and the guy was, oh, sure, like wasn’t — you know, like… But it was because we’re trying something out, it took some of the pressure off.
Reid: And how did it go?
Cathy: It was great.
Reid: What did you get out of it or both of you?
Cathy: Well part of it was just both of us felt reassured that we had both been tested and that we didn’t have to — we knew what the status was. But also part of it is that you share something you like and that opened up a really fun dialogue and it modeled us talking about how we both felt in and out of bed.
Reid: So for those of you who want to jump and see the formula, it’s on my website, http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and you can just type in safer sex elevator speech or elevator speech in the search bar and it will bring you right to the post.
Cathy: I’ll put the link below too.
Reid: Great. But the basic formula is you share when you were last tested and what was your status. You share whatever your relationship, you know, current relationship status is, any relationship agreements you have, or if it’s for you to share like I’m straight or I’m queer or I’m gay, you know, you can drop in like other orientation identifiers there. Then you’re going to go through what your safer sex protocols are. What are your needs, briefly what are your needs for when you’re going to have sex if you were to have sex.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: What’s on the table, what’s not, and what do you have to be doing for that to feel safe emotionally or physically, condoms, no condoms whatever those things are.
Cathy: Yeah. And it’s not saying if you have this conversation doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex. It just means that you’ve cleared the deck so that if you decide to it’s really easy.
Reid: Yeah. And then after you share what your safer sex protocols are, what I recommend is you share any kind of sexual information that needs to be updated like since you were last tested, maybe you had a condom failure or maybe you got a vasectomy and now I don’t have sperm. Well technically you do but that’s a long story, another video. Then once you share any current sexual needs or things that you need to share then you share something that you like sexually and something that you don’t like sexually. By sexual, I mean it can be cuddling and making out. It doesn’t have to be like boning. So you get to share something that you like and what you don’t like and then the very end of it and this is why it’s so useful is you ask the other person how about you.
Cathy: Uh-hum.
Reid: What you end up doing is you’re role modeling a way to have a conversation that they probably might not have a way of having it with you. So you initiate it, you role model a way to have it. Then in me asking “How about you?”, what that person says back in the next two to three, four minutes tells me volumes about where they are in their life, you know, how good are they at using their words, do they know the kind of sex that they like, what their status is. So your safe sex elevator speech not only makes it easier for you to initiate a conversation that you should be having. It’s a great assessment tool for the people that you’re considering jumping into bed with.
Cathy: Yes. And I love that it sets — a lot of people don’t talk to each other. People have been married for 30 years and never learned to talk to each other about what they like and don’t like so you’re starting off right at the outset saying let’s talk about this stuff.
Reid: Yeah. So you’re role modeling that it’s okay to talk about sex.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Which also helps because that person might actually speak up in bed.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: A little to the left, a little to the right, things that could be very helpful. So do you want to role model a safer sex elevator speech?
Cathy: I think we should —
Reid: Do we have time?
Cathy: — but let’s do another video for that.
Reid: Okay. Tune in to video 2.