Ideas To Get Better Around Intimacy and Handling Relationships | Facebook Walk With Reid
Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and it is sunny out today and I put my head in the sun. There you go. Can you see me? If you can see me, say hello and say where you’re saying hello from ‘coz I just love seeing where people are and a happy weekend to you all.
It’s later in the day. I thought I would get out this morning and Facebook live but that did not happen. Allison and I have friends who are in town and so I spent the entire morning having some amazing…amazing brain sex just geeking out with some really good friends of mine and hopefully, I would be able to entice them to come be on Facebook live tomorrow morning. It’s my friend Rachel and her partner Buster who are helping with the Soul Play Festival. So that’s been on my Facebook wall a little bit here and there and I think Soul Play is actually sold out but that is a dance festival, dance music, spirituality, relationships intimacy, connecting soul to soul and I’m really excited about that because it’s a super fun time for me. I’ll be teaching about energetic sex and leading a talk on consent and hanging out with bunch of dance movement nerds which is fun ‘coz I cannot dance and I call it a….the kind of dance that I…I do I would it could best be described as called flailing. See here I get some roses, flowers in bloom. So, I’m excited to go to Soul Play and then the week after is Intimacy Fest which is going to be another great opportunity for geeking out and teaching and having lots of fun brain sex with folks and I believe Intimacy Fest is not sold out so you can check that out. I’ll put the links after our talk today but I wanted to talk today because we were having brain the brain sex we’re having this morning with Buster and with Rachel had me want to have a little quick conversation for folks who want to get better at intimacy and relating.
Hello! The…the ideas of if you want to get better at relationships, there’s a couple of different doors or paths that you could go through and for me in my work and the courses and the programs that I’ve created that are available for people to….to you know go deeper with me if you want to get a little bit deeper and more specific than just Facebook live videos. The…the two doors that seem to work really well for folks are kind of getting better at relationships and connection and you know like your emotional IQ and kind of coming through the communication door which you know we could also label the…the relationship door and then there’s the door of competency around sexuality which we’ll just talk, we’ll save for this video. The idea being the sex door and that sexuality and communication stuff share…they share a lot of the same dynamics similar dynamics but the focus is a little bit different and…and so you kind of like if you think about it like it’s a living room in your house but there’s all these different doors that come into the living room. You can come in through the relationship door or come in through the…the sexual self-confidence door and those also many people as we’ve talked about in many videos didn’t get really great sex education. Most of us have been you know raised or grew up in cultures or not supposed to be talking about sex and then a lot of folks rightfully so but mistakenly so especially visual learners turn to the Internet to try to get better at sex from watching it which is mainstream porn and you know when you just Google sex or Google fucking or blowjobs and click on Google images, what you’re getting is search results not necessarily the best educational material and we don’t have a lot of porn literacy out there. A term that I first heard from Carol Queen who’s an amazing educator and thinker about these kinds of things but you know we don’t have a lot of porn literacy so what you’re seeing, you think is what you’re supposed to be doing and you know the joke that I’ve known for is trying to learn how to be a better lover from watching mainstream porn is like trying to learn how to be a better driver from watching The Fast and the Furious. The difference is we know we’re not supposed to be taking driving cues from Vin Diesel but we think we’re supposed to be comparing our…our sexual performance to porn and you know that would be like taking a movement class trying to learn how to get you know more in your body and then judging your movement abilities against somebody from cirque du soleil or something like that or the Olympics and that my friends who are in porn and adult performers they’re amazing and they do great race car driving like in the movies on porn sets but you know that’s not necessarily how they have you know their one-on-one non film romantic type. And you know maybe I’ll try to do a Facebook live with a with a porn performer friend of mine at some point. We’ll just kind of have a conversation about them. But learning how to feel more confident in understanding your body, understanding other people’s bodies, how to communicate better around the sex that you want, feeling competent around sexuality is a door into the living room of just having better relationships and then the other door, hey! The other door is really interesting to think about is coming at relationships through the communication and intimacy door which has a lot to do about unlearning the bad habits and messaging that we got role modeled.
A lot of us in the adult relationships that surrounded us as kids as we grew up like how can you be a better communicator in your relationships, how can you have more emotional awareness and a higher emotional IQ so that you understand yourself better, you understand your moods, how things affect you…you understand your wants, needs and desires and do you have the tools to keep shame and fear from silencing you and from stopping you? Stopping you from being able to communicate and connect with other human beings. And what’s really interesting is those skill sets are there’s so many skill sets around communication and how do you not let shame and fear stop you and silence you. Those communication tools are extremely important in bed and you know about understanding your body and creating the sex that you want. However, if you don’t know how bodies work and you don’t know what you like, it’s really hard to have the words to communicate to somebody what it is that you want and ask them better questions and hold space for them to communicate what they want around sex and intimacy and the skill sets whatever door you want to go come in through, I think those skill sets if I just had to boil it down to two things, those two doors lead to better relationships and those skill sets the ability to ask for what you want even when you are afraid, the ability to slow down and check in with yourself about is this feel good? Am I just saying yes because I’m feeling pressured? Can I change my mind in the moment? All those communication skill sets once you start to feel confident about speaking up which can be a slow process for a lot of people who learn how to do that really well and you’re not going to be perfect at it all the time because I’m not perfectly speaking up all the time but your ability to communicate and build those and exercise those courage muscles and those self-assessment muscles, those are amazing skill sets to have in in life, in relationships in general.
Also, I’m….I’m beginning I’m realizing I didn’t wish folks a Happy International Sex Worker Day and this is might be nice to sex worker’s t-shirt which of course Facebook live flips so it’s backwards but that was yesterday June 2nd. I’ll put a link to that. So for all my sex worker friends, colleagues and peers I just want to say I hope you had a Happy International Sex Worker Day. I’ll leave a link for those of you who are like why do sex workers need a sex worker day? And you can read up on that. It’s a…it’s a workers right kind of thing and I think it’s just if you’re a nerd, you should check it out and be nice to sex workers. Don’t…don’t shame them. That’s not cool. It’s not a sex geek thing to do.
Oh, yeah. So, learning how to exercise and build those muscles of courage around sex, around intimate relationships, that stuff trickles down and helps you become better in your job and asking for race, advocating for yourself when you feel you know off balance because you’re at the doctor’s and you know the doctor is like telling you something and you’re like “well, hang on slow down like walk me through this just because you say this I want to understand it and I need to understand it before I say yes or no to that procedure.” I think it helps you become a better parent because I hear, I’m not having children but I know of that raising little human beings can be somewhat challenging and you being better and more able to communicate and navigate your own emotions I think makes you a better role model for the young human beings in your life and they hopefully will inherit better communication skills and techniques and less shame and more self-esteem and self-confidence and self-worth. If you work on these issues yourself and so we can end a lot of weird family patterns of violence in this communication and just a lot of bullshit and you know none of this that I’m talking about is about being perfect. It’s about being human and so how do you raise tiny human beings to be well-adjusted, empowered larger human beings?
I think that’s about it you know so these two doors. Which door should you walk through? Which door are you interested in? Which one calls you? I don’t think there’s a wrong door. Start with the one that seems most exciting. Excitement sometimes might feel like fear and titillation. That’s impressive car motor right there ladies and gentleman. So if you’re interested in going through one of these doors, I have a big three-day event that’s going to be happening in October. At the end of October, the weekend before Halloween and we will be having a costume party my friend and if you are interested in attending in that three-day event, the best bang for your buck is going to be to check out one of my six-week online courses and I have some free videos that will get you oriented to those courses to see which one you want but if you think you…. Hey! If you if you want to come through the door around relationships, then go to http://www.relationship10x.com/. The word relationship then the number 10 and then X.com and if you want to come in and check out some free videos through the sex door, then go to http://sex10x.kajabi.com/ and I’ll put those in the in the descriptions in a minute and that’s the word sex, the number 10 X and then online.com because Sex10X was already taken so I had to take something else but check out these free videos and then you’ll learn more about the three-day event coming up in October. I’ll start promoting that more. Right now I’m focused on sex geek summer camp and making sure that’s going to come off without of the hitch and thanks for going on a walk with me today.
I hope this was useful. Leave in the comments section, what was useful about this conversation for you because I’m curious and I will talk to you guys tomorrow. Alright and hopefully I’ll have some special guest stars. Bye, everyone! Leave some emoticons on your way out and I will see you tomorrow. Chao!