How Should Parents And Other Adults Talk Sex To Kids? | Facebook Live With Reid And Jimanekia
Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and…..and I…this is bedhead because I have not taken a shower or done anything today other than try to get caught up on all the things I’m behind on because I was teaching at back-to-back festivals and Jimanekia was kind enough to be like if you’re in L.A, crash at my place and all you have seen me do is sit here working and then I was like, we need to Facebook live. Let’s talk about
Jimanekia: [Inaudible 00:00:28]
Reid: stuff and you
Jimanekia: Yeah
Reid: like helping parents and adults learn how to be better at talking about sex to kids. And I say, adults, not just parents because I’m an…I’m an uncle.
Jimanekia: I’m…I’m a godmother.
Reid: You’re a godmother. So, tell people…as you sign on, let us know where you’re signing on from and say hi and then tell people a little bit about what you do because you….you’ve gone on my channel before.
Jimanekia: Yeah. So last time we were talking about sexual assault survivors and supporting them. I am currently working on a consulting space where I assist adults with having those scary conversations with the children and kids in their…
Reid: Oh
Jimanekia: oh, sorry. With kids in their
Reid: Just don’t…don’t read at the comments.
Jimanekia: In their…I know it’s distracting me.
Reid: I’m amazed that you can even see
Jimanekia: I can. I have eyes.
Reid: the comments. Men, you
Jimanekia: Thanks
Reid: you and Allison are both like hawks like A-ah!
Jimanekia: [Inaudible 00:01:27]
Reid: You can read things from forever.
Jimanekia: We’re like amazing
Reid: Yeah. I’m
Jimanekia: people
Reid: I’m not.
Jimanekia: Sorry Reid.
Reid: Alright. So back to you. Back to you.
Jimanekia: So having the conversations that are appropriate for the age level of the children as well as that it comes from you on an appropriate and safe level.
Reid: So what would be what would be some mistakes like how do how do adults make things either unsafe or like how do we know what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate?
Jimanekia: I think sometimes with dealing with children, the first thing we do is tell them no and stop them instead of having the conversations. I’ve had I’ve been calling my best friend like “okay. Somebody’s doing this. What do we do?” Instead of like shaming my goddaughter from humping things we say “you know maybe we shouldn’t do this right now or why are you doing that? Does it feel good to you?” Like having the conversations instead of just shutting them down and making them feel like they’re doing a bad thing. It doesn’t help future conversations or future growth.
Reid: Because why would a kid want to talk to you about something that they were already thought was bad.
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: And then and do you think it’s more like do you think it’s more that adults…. I mean one, we don’t talk about sex in our culture much to begin with
Jimanekia: Right.
Reid: right? But do you think part of the problem is that adults aren’t talking to other adults about how to talk to kids and we just end up freaking out because we don’t know what to do and then and we just kind of pass on the way that we…we were shamed and whatnot or do you think
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: do you think it’s just like I don’t know. What do…what do you think?
Jimanekia: I
Reid: You’re expert on that.
Jimanekia: I think it’s a lot of people not having their own sexual education and the information that they did receive we….you know we always talk about this as sex educators, we didn’t get the information that was needed to kind of help us go along in life and so not having that information and also being scared of their kids reactions. Being scared of having that intimate like different level because we are ashamed so much historically about sexuality and then sharing that with your child it…it’s for me, it helps build relationships. Having the conversations, having that tough conversation allows for open doors for other conversations with kids.
Reid: Oh, yeah. I guess so ‘coz it’s not just sex. Then it’s like alcohol, it’s like drugs
Jimanekia: Relationships
Reid: it’s…..
Jimanekia: You’re building
Reid: it’s love
Jimanekia: You’re building trust.
Reid: Trust. Okay.
Jimanekia: If you can build trust with kids, I’ve worked at mental health for like eight years. If you can get over the hump of kids not trusting you, they will come to you with things you never even thought they would or even have the verbiage to ask you about.
Reid: And do you think…okay, so I’m not a parent. I mean I’m barely I’m I mean I’m an uncle but like I wouldn’t say that I’m like in my nieces and nephews lives and I know you’re very involved with your…your gods
Jimanekia: My little’s
Reid: Yeah, your little’s. So for adults, do you think part of the reason is just that we didn’t get accurate sex education or do you think that we’re afraid….we don’t want to talk about it because we’re afraid we’re going to screw it up like
Jimanekia: I get….I don’t have children so that I know that’s some…some issue for some people but seeing them grow up, I think it’s worrying about “if I do this, is this going to lead to…to further things? Am I going to screw this up?” I think raising children in general, there’s always that in the back of the head, “Am I going to fuck my kids up?” So, I mean having the conversations, I feel like if you are starting to mess them up they may be like “hey, you know what? I don’t like this or can we work on this?” Again, having the toughest conversations first upfront kind of allows for like comfort and space to deal with like things that may not be as scary to you and towards your children.
Reid: True and if you’re getting I’m….I’m going to imagine, right? If you’re a parent or if you’re an adult who has kids around, you….you being bad at the beginning having those initial conversations, if you get better, if you get the tools, you work with people, talk to other parents and you get more comfortable then you can you also can get better at having the conversations rather than never having them at all which we know screws people up.
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: And now I’m….I almost want to interview Vera Casey and…and some other parents
Jimanekia: [Inaudible 00:05:50]
Reid: Sex Ed parents out there and all of all of the parents and….and adults who uncle and aunts and whatnot. Feel free to leave some comments about what your thoughts are. So what are some tips for making space safer for kids around talking about sex or maybe it’s….it’s a making safe space for yourself as an adult so that you can then feel safe talking to kids?
Jimanekia: I think it starts with…with the adults before you can get to the kids. Doing some research, doing some educational checking in with the age-appropriate information, there’s a lot of information out. Do something that’s fitting for that age group. Don’t try to just look at teenagers or adolescents because there’s a lot of information but you know psychologically, there’s only so much going on at a certain age point. So you…you may not want to push you know your kid a little too far but give them the information that’s the best.
Reid: Yeah
Jimanekia: And then actually having the conversations, ask your kids questions. I think people get scared of asking their kids questions because they don’t know what’s going to come out of their mouths. You’d be really surprised or maybe not but what kids are seeing these days and maybe they’ve just been waiting for someone to ask them so they can be like “ah, finally. I’ve been wanting to know what this was.”
Reid: Yeah and you’re also practicing just having conversations.
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: So, asking questions, I have you know sex geek parents who really kind of approach a lot of this basic stuff for…for young kids. Just around like science and
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: you know and just anatomy and and…and talking about basic stuff and not really making it a big deal and using you know correct vocabulary for things and kind of using that to prime. I guess to set the territory before they start wondering “what do we use this for” kind of stuff.
Jimanekia: And kids are always watching us. When you think they are not watching you, they are watching you. So even when if one of your kids or like a child in your life ask you a question, they’re watching for your reaction to be like can I ask of other things like if you’re like
Reid: Yeah. They’re testing you
Jimanekia: Yeah. If you ask them a question they’re like “ah!” They’re going to be like “oh, can I ask you anything?” But if you’re like “okay. Well tell me more about that or why do you feel that way?” Then they’re like “huh? Okay, well” and that allows their minds to turn. You want them to ask you the questions so then you can meet them kind of where they are.
Reid: But you….again you creating that safe space
Jimanekia: Yeah.
Reid: so that they can have a conversation with you.
Jimanekia: Yeah and again it’s all about trust.
Reid: Yeah
Jimanekia: With any kid, I don’t care how if they’re like six months older drop, six month older they maybe be like I don’t know if you can hold me and cry every time you’re near them. Just like with any teenager or adolescent, building trust in that relationship is really important to them because most of the time the people that they go to for advice is their parents.
Reid: The one’s that they trust. Good example. Well, thanks for stopping by today and for [Inaudible 00:08:56]
Jimanekia: Stopping by your room.
Reid: let me just sit…sit here and just get as much work done as I can. As I recuperate from….from Intimacy Fest and Soul Play and then and then I am recording a podcast tomorrow in Malibu and then I fly off to Canada for the….to Guelph University in Toronto to do some more speaking. Where can people find you and get resources and things like if they have questions?
Jimanekia: Yeah. So, http://sewjim.com/ S.E.W.J.I.M.com. Also http://www.morethanno.org/. I do a lot of support with sexual assault survivors and we have a show coming up next month, July 8th. It is going to be our pride show but basically, our…our show is camera consensual where we support sexual assault survivors. A lot of our performers or sexual assault survivors are allies and we push our content culture.
Reid: And then SEWJIM stands for Sex Education With
Jimanekia: Jim
Reid: Jim.
Jimanekia: .com
Reid: Alright, bye everyone! Leave some
Jimanekia: Bye
Reid: emoticons on our way out. Share this video with….with a parent or an aunt or an uncle or a grandparent or just some people and the…and leave your comments and your questions and….and the advice you have for your experiences as well.
Jimanekia: Yay!
Reid: Bye!