Being present during sex can enhance pleasure and connection. But how do you do that?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Have you meet more presents during sex?
Reid: I’m sorry, what?
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: And we we’re just talking about of how to notice your partner energy more. And one of the basic things you need to do for that and for any really good sex is to be present in your body. And that’s sometimes easier some of that. It’s certainly not over tenuous full and like were really taught to live in our head.
Reid: Yah! And a lot of people have worries, and concerns, shames, fears so your there trying to get all juicy and have fun but can’t stop worrying about, “Does my belly look weird?” or “Am I making weird face?”
Cathy: “Am I going to fart?”
Reid: “Do I smell bad?” or “They are really enjoying themselves?” All these things …
Cathy: I forgot to buy orange juice.
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: Oh no! I [inaudible 00:00:59] the old days that had sex making grocery lists in my head.
Reid: (Nodding)… no comment.
Cathy: (Laugh)… So
Reid: So, the questions is, what are the things that you can do to practice and foster the ability to get out of your head and in to your body? And also be in your body and with your partner in ways where you can also be having more fun and tuning into them more which is often more hot for the other person.
Cathy: Yes!
Reid: Having sex or playing in non-sexual, sensual ways with people who are paying attention to you and having fun and feeling more pleasure way more fun. So what is your advice, Cathy?
Cathy: Well first of all just realizing that everybody has a channel in our heads. We call some hamsters… I think it’s a great analogy that you’ve hamsters running around scooting. And sometimes telling your partner like, “Hey! I’m noticing that I’m feel like you’re going to really notice my belly and it’s too big and you’re going to judge me.” To say that a lot of scary as it is. After you do it a few times it’s like, “Oh okay” just getting it out. Maybe them saying, “Could you look right now? I want to be present with you.” Its sounds corny but it can really be a good way. Oh okay that settle away at least I’ve taken that out.
Reid: And example for me is… at my tender age I can’t always get erection when I like one. If I don’t tell and it’s obvious that I do not have a hard on, but it’s really helpful if I just say, “Just so we all know. I ‘m not getting up right now.” I just need to say it to get out of my head rather than trying to keep it like some secret. It sends me into shame spiral much more useful that gives me more access to come the squeaky wheels that the hamsters are running on in my head. So that I can actually be for present.
Cathy: Yeah! And for me when I meditates it is actually can be a form of meditation like, “Okay damn! I forgot to get the kids homework together. Okay that’s a thought. Let’s make a notice. I’m going to put that over here I’m going to come back to what I do with my partner. Oh oh I forgot the orange juice. Okay that’s a thought I noticed that and I’m going to come back.” And you can just train yourself over time and I really love what you do about being present with your fingertips like when you’re touching someone. When you put your awareness in your fingertips or in your mouth or in whatever part of your bodies is being activated that can bring you very present. It’s a great body awareness kind of thing.
Reid: You kind of imagine like listening with your hands or with your mouth almost like it’s a stethoscope like put your attention and your intention in that body part and try to tune in more and listen more with those body parts rather than unconsciously like [inaudible 00:03:56]
Cathy: Yeah! And noticing like the texture. Can I touch you? So you just like noticing the texture, “Oh your shirts kind of soft. Wow your skin is warm.” If you could just listen and pay attention to what’s actually happening. That’s a lot easier where you focus. You kind of draw your awareness instead of like, “Oh I’m going to make a lists of the things I needed to do.” It’s not really hot for you either or the other person.
Reid: And when you’re focusing on sensation by its very nature you’re now in your nervous system. To be able to feel something you are now paying attention to it rather than being in your head in an outer body way. Other things that is really useful — breathing, breathing in letting out sound that kind of like — you’ll see me do it when I teach workshops and stuff that taking a deep breath and like ohhhhhh… let out that kind of vibration sound if I was a geek you’re using your harness thing in leveraging your vagus nerve which is helping tell your body to shift from its sympathetic nervous system which is fight and flight over to its parasympathetic nervous system which is where orgasm and pleasure happens. Now I’m worried that I flip those.
Cathy: Oh, sorry
Reid: I’m sorry if I flip them but you know what I mean. But the idea of making sound will help you get out of your head and into your body because you’re getting your brain to shift over form fight and flight and when you’re lying your worried about how you look or how you feel. Or “Am I doing this right?” or “Did they like that I’m doing this thing?” You’re in your fight and flight mode, not in your relaxation and embodiment mode so it’s harder to me somatic and actually being present.
Cathy: So let us know what you think with these help do this in self to be more present. And the really cool thing is you can practice it when you’re doing solo flight to start learning and developing the skills cause this is a skill to be present.
Reid: Never underestimate the power of doing things to yourself.
Cathy: (Laugh)
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