Do you sometimes feel under appreciated, but other people just see you as being quiet?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share what you can do when you feel under appreciated in your relationship.
Cathy: Another person wrote in saying, “What can I do when I feel under appreciated in my relationship?”
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from the TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: And this video’s going to change your life under appreciated person, because we think you’re great, you’re amazing and you rock. Just because you’re watching these videos and that you care enough about yourself to transform your relationship life and the world you live on and be a better person. World you live on, I said that.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: In, live in.
Cathy: Yeah. Really though you’re here, you’re looking at stuff to make it different and we really do appreciate that. It is hard to feel unappreciated. I tend to … my natural inclination when I feel under appreciated is to withdraw which doesn’t help me feel more appreciated. Other people just see me being quiet and they’re like, oh, okay she’s happy, I’ll go do my stuff.
Reid: She’s not happy.
Cathy: No. What I encourage you to do is identify what you’d like to be appreciated about and you can actually start this closing for the day with your partner and your friends and say, “What would you like to be appreciated for today?” I stole that from you.
Reid: Yeah, it’s a really good one actually, is you start the appreciation game. Install it in your friendships, in your relationships romantically. You can definitely play this game with your kids if you have kids and nieces and nephews and go and play it with your family. People will think you’re crazy at first until they get the hit of dopamine and oxytocin from like, “We can actually do this?” Like, um, I would like to be appreciated for shooting these videos and helping people.
Cathy: Nice. I appreciate you Reid, thank you.
Reid: What would you like to be appreciated for?
Cathy: I would like to be appreciated for not hitting you over the head when you said I was never happy.
Reid: Cathy, I appreciate you for not hitting me over the head, and I was just teasing.
Cathy: I know.
Reid: Do you accept my apology?
Cathy: I do.
Reid: Oh. See.
Cathy: It may seem silly but just setting this up and just literally a minute each can really make a difference. The key is to be genuine about it and to be really present with each other when you appreciate each other.
Reid: And the power here is when you install this game and start playing it with people, then you’re giving them permission to think about what they need appreciations for and they’ll bring them to you.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: You’ll have your kids be like, you know, “I would like to be appreciated.” And you’re like, “What would you like to be appreciated for?” And they’re like, “I, you know, put my socks on by myself today.” You’re like, “Good job putting your socks on by yourself, you’re amazing. And then, you know, they’re getting their appreciation tanks filled up in a way that’s fun and then when somebody starts the appreciation game with you then you get to, you know, train them to be like, “What would you like to be appreciated for?”
Cathy: Yeah, turn it around.
Reid: And you guys get to build into your lives that it’s okay to ask for appreciation and that you’re getting more appreciation.
Cathy: Yeah, our society in general doesn’t appreciate people so doing this can really bond you with friends and co-workers and family members and it’s so much more effective then, “You never appreciate me. Why don’t you ever say anything nice to me?” Don’t do that if you can help it.
Reid: No.
Cathy: It was an example.
Reid: I know, I know. She’s such a good actress. So do these things. Try them in your life. The other thing that you can do is play the appreciation game with yourself.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Look in the mirror, it sounds silly, but really get dialed in to how awesome you are. It’s not narcissistic. It’s vital that you practice saying good things about yourself to yourself.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And that goes a long way.
Cathy: Yeah, practice, even if it doesn’t seem genuine. Just try it out. I sometimes send myself an e-mail if I’ve done a really good job. I send it to myself to read the next morning. Dear Cathy, you did a great job yesterday; and it’s amazing how my day picks up, a 3-sentence e-mail about what I did the day before. It’s just like, oh yeah, I did do those things.
Reid: I also think it’s not called futureme.com (http://www.futureme.org) but Google it. There’s a way to send yourself e-mails that are like write them and they’ll send them to you a year later or a month later so you can send yourself appreciative e-mails. I will often write Post-It notes to myself telling me how much I rock and then hide them in books that I’m reading, because I’m going to forget, because my memory doesn’t rock, and then when I find them, it’s silly but it’s fun.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Play these games with yourself. Teach your friends to do these things as well.
Cathy: Yes, yeah.
Reid: Let us know how it goes. What do you appreciate about yourself today? Leave it in the comments.