How To Handle People Who Can’t Take a “NO” Gracefully?

by Reid on October 17, 2018

How To Handle People Who Can’t Take a “NO” Gracefully?




How do you know when its appropriate your desire? With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from

Reid: Video number 4 here in a series because we’re on a roll. How to handle or how to work with people who when they make a request in this case around sex, you feel like they can’t take a no gracefully or that they’re going to get weird about it or the no’s going to crush them. You’re picking up they can’t handle rejection. This is Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from and it does feel awkward and I definitely felt I’ve been in that position when I felt like it mattered so much for the other person to say yes but it does not necessarily make the person comfortable or safe. As adults, we’re responsible for getting our own needs met then ask another people to participate if they want to. As a small child, we do have needs we can’t get them in our way.

Reid: So, for you having both sides of the situations, what’s your advice for people who feel that rejection might crush that person or that they have those tendrils trying to get you please, please, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

Cathy: One, we have a bunch of videos handling disappointment. I encouraged you to go thru them because we being able to handle disappointment is something that could actually give you power in the world and make it easier for people to say yes to you. If you approach someone like hey, I’m interested in this with you but if you say NO, I’ll be okay. They’re much more likely to be open than if you’re like, oh my god I need this for me. I’d probably need it for my entire life, I really need this and if you don’t do it, I’m going to be crashed. People often try to put their distance between themselves or if we approach people from that way, if they start dating us or interacting with us, it’s not too equal, it is just someone who’s doing favor for someone or caretaking for someone. That’s not what I want to create in my life anyway. So learning how to handle disappointment and doing the things you can to get your needs met as much as possible, where much more needy when our tanks are low, we have a lot of stuffs going on. And I love having this circle of people that I can ask for help because Reid might be traveling or busy or another friend might be going thru their own stuff. If I have circle of friends that I can call and hey I’m having a rough time right now, are you willing to be there to support me? That makes me feel less needy than if oh my god, you’re the only person I can turn to right now. I’m more likely pulling needy about that.

Reid: To understand that kind of dynamic because most people haven’t been watching these videos so they don’t know how to handle disappointment. That needy energy tends to be in my working with lots of people I kind of seen people at my workshops and stuffs, there’s this starvation kind of needy which is somebody who’s dying of thirst or hunger, who’s at the free buffet and they can’t wait in line. You’re sensing, their system is going like Ahhh! They’re in starvation mode and they, I need this now.. I need this now.

Cathy: Like someone who doesn’t get to conference or events a lot. Wasn’t around in a lot of sex geeks, I think they have felt to grab the opportunity while they could.

Reid: There’s that piece, right? Like I need it or it scares. Scares is every different than starvation. So there’s like two different settings on the fazer of neediness. And again, it is okay to have needs and most people are just very sloppy or uncoordinated with understanding the energy that they’re giving off or taking ownership of it, right? You could be in line at the buffet and telling people in front of you, excuse me may I cut? I haven’t eaten in actually 3 days and I’m starving. May I skip the line? Like there’s a way of being transparent or what you are noticing about yourself with that. It means you know things about yourself and confined your words. The other situation is scarcity because my own opportunity and scarcity is often woven with meaning. What me make it mean? If you don’t sleep with me then I’m not cool.

Cathy: Yeah, this felt more status related really.

Reid: Welcome to the cool kids club, Cathy Vartulli. Now you know what it’s like a little bit or a lot.

Cathy: People wanting to get status by sleeping with you and kind of pulling that at you for that.

Reid: Yeah. And they’re like Oh my god if you say no to me, what does it mean about myself? So a lot of people again have taken workshops and done the work to realize that we all do this. Like I get that I make things mean things and I can handle my disappointment around what I’m making it mean and I often tell people like oh just so you know I can handle my own disappointment but I’m a star fucker and you’re a star. My ego wants this and I can handle that. I can sit inside of the container that is me and own it. Keep it from gushing out on to you. That’s a pretty high level of social and self-awareness applied where you can own it and also kind of wrangle it a little bit or at least turn the faucet or the hose down so there are only dribbles not a spray going all over the place for people. There’s those two things, another thing that can be interesting that I’ve noticed around like creepiness cause the starvation pulling a curse to some people because that’s creepy. I don’t know what’s going on. Then there’s the having a hidden agenda that I am not telling you that it is creepy cause it’s underneath. It’s different than starvation or the needy.

Cathy: I think it goes to all of those because if I’m not telling you that’s my agenda, if I’m kind of pulling at you cause I want stuffs. I want either my identity, the status or scarcity, I’m hungry or starvation or any of those. If I’m trying to get those met without owning them for myself and owning it to the other person that can come across as creepy. So, I’m trying to get something without owning it.

Reid: The awareness of this can help unconscious agendas like I’m starving, I’m trying to cut the line. I make this mean something about myself, myself worth. Then there’s the like rejection means something from my past kind of a thing.

Cathy: I’m not sexual or desirable or whatever.

Reid: This is proof than I don’t want you to reject me because I don’t want proof about the thing I think about myself as. So maybe that’s a third quality. When I say agenda, I mean I know what I’m up to and I’m being sneaky, right? Or I’m afraid to reveal my agenda so I have to cloak it because I’m not supposed to own my sexuality or supposed to do this or supposed to do that. That can be like there’s a cleaner version of agenda where you have shame. Then there’s the like I’m evil trying to trick you kind of a thing.

Cathy: I think there’s also kind of related to status. There’s time that people project into someone else. That happened to stars a lot. It’s not like hey, you’re willing to get out. You’ve got a lot of courage, you worked hard on yourself and you’re out there in front of a lot of people making a difference which is very attractive. There’s also the, I’m going to project my needs and expectations on you. Then if I can get you sleep with me, I feel somewhat won and gotten what I thought I need with all this time. It’s not about being present to the real person. I think a lot of people.

Reid: I’m worthy if you sleep with me?

Cathy: Well, like it is easy for someone who is out of the limelight for someone to decide without knowing you to project on to you the characteristics of someone they need to be close to- an ex-lover, someone who rejected them when they were younger. Projects all those characteristics on to you and then if they get to have the connection, they arrived, they defeated that bad experience in the past because it isn’t real. They are not really present. I know that it can make feel someone not seen the real me. I can kind of feel the energy like you’re trying to fulfill isn’t someone about me but you’ve decided that is on me and you want to get that back from me. I’m not sure about the word of that, it’s a projection kind of thing. They try to get something back and that feels creepy to me.

Reid: Creepy or just.. Yeah, I guess there are things to me like a lot of these are not so.. Again this is an experience from a white 6 ft. tall guy. It doesn’t feel creepy to me in the way. You’re a creep. It’s more like oh these are things human beings do, look at this human being doing a human being thing.

Cathy: I wasn’t defining the person as creepy, I said the feeling I get that is creepy.

Reid: Uneasy?

Cathy: Yeah like there’s something off and I don’t want really to be around it.

Reid: What do you think? These are series of videos that have gone long, we apologize. What do you think about these things? These dynamics? Leave your comments. Ask questions. Thanks.

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