Breaking up: When Is The Right Time To Quit? | Facebook Walk With Reid

by Reid on October 13, 2020

Breaking up: When Is The Right Time To Quit? | Facebook Walk With Reid

 

 

 

 

 

Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid from http://reidaboutsex.com/. Let me just tweak this. Sorry. Ah, there you go. It is Friday and it is the last day of June so happy last day of Pride Month everyone!

I’ve got my Camp Beaverton for Wayward Girls fundraiser tank top on and http://www.campbeaverton.org/   I believe is the website if you are into…..if you’re gonna be going to Burning Man and you want to camp with a bunch of queer…queer lady folk. And a little-known fact, ten years ago or actually eleven years ago because this is Camp Beaverton’s 10th anniversary and that was…was weird right like the 10th anniversary is really the 11th year, like how do you figure that out? And say hi wherever you are today and then we’re….we’re going on the train tracks.

I promised that I walk on the train tracks yesterday. So here we go. Let see. Look both ways before crossing the train tracks. And that’s the train track there and here it is there. I’m going to walk this way ‘coz the light is pretty good. I guess. Here we go. And this track that I’m walking on is defunct. No…nothing goes on this track anymore. This….this one that I’m walking on. So I’m not in danger. You don’t have to worry. And actually, I’m going to do it this way ‘coz I want to show you the calligraphy.  There you go.

So, little-known fact about Camp Beaverton for Wayward Girls in ten years ago, so I guess about 2000, eleven years ago 2006 or whatever that is, I was one of the founders of Camp Beaverton for Wayward Girls. A friend of mine who’s a lesbian was going to Burning Man and that was my first year for going to Burning Man. We went together with some other friends and she was very confused because she couldn’t figure out who was the who are the lesbians…she couldn’t find out where the lesbians were and in a fit of dusty…dusty frustration, she told me she’s like, “Reid, create a camp where the lesbians will come to me.” And I was like “I could do that like I know how to create that.” We also have tons of blackberries here. Ooh, they’re sour. Not ripe yet.

And so, I had her request and it was a…..summoned up my courage and I helped create the largest…10 years later, the largest queer women’s camp on the planet at Burning Man. And I have the the…the great pleasure of naming “the women only play party” on the [Inaudible 00:03:32]. It’s called the Strap-on-a-thon. Not that you have to have a strap on. And every year, the Beavers of Camp Beaverton have a meeting and have all these conversations and try to figure out you know the policies for…for the next year because the conversations about women-only space and lesbian identified space and transgender space, those things have really progressed and evolved in the last…last 10 years, 11 years and so it’s kind of a living breathing camp every year. And now all these years later, there’s Camp Gender Blender which is a queer camp for all as you would think, gender blendering and so there’s a lot of really cool…cool stuff that wasn’t necessarily happening in mass at Burning Man 11 years ago and so I just wanted to give a shout out to people who are still looking for camps in at Burning Man. I will not be camping with the Beavers. I will be at Beav…Beaverton. I’m welcome there but I will not be camping because I’m a cisgendered guy and that’s not what the camp is for. But all people of all genders are welcome to stop by. They have a lot of awesome workshops. Allison Moon will be teaching workshops. I’ll be teaching some workshops. It’s going to be really exciting. So that’s a little….little public announcement for Camp Beaverton for Wayward Girls. I’ll just take a little walk here on the train tracks.

And now, I kind of forget what I typed in to talk about. Oh! Breaking up. When is the time to quit? So here are just some quick thoughts. I actually have something on my website about ending bad relationships and I’ll put the link there, you can download a little podcast teleclass that I did but the first thing I should just ask and let….let you know is, you know everyone has their own journey and has to figure out their own stuff. I do not condone abusive relationships. So I…it’s my personal advice that you know I don’t think people should stay in relationships that are not healthy for them and I know that that’s really even really tricky to say. People stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons and sometimes people you know air quotes have to stay for reasons because of safety, their kids, all….you know whatever all kinds of stuff. So, in that really short sentence of my belief, what I would ask or invite people to do is try to find support that’s a great fit for you outside of maybe your friends and family so that you can get like a third opinion a prof…you know some sort of professional opinion whether it’s a support group or hotline or therapy you know seek out the resources where you can figure out if you’re in a relationship that you need to get out of and so that you can keep yourself safe and if you have kids and animals and things like that so you can keep them safe too.

There’s a lot of fucked-up shit out there and well, I grew up in a family that had an alcoholic mom and a dad who had some…some challenges with telling the truth all the time and that was emotionally challenging and abusive at times, I was never physically threatened with harm and I just want to I just want to say that. So, with that caveat then the ideas of like when is….when do you quit? Like when is the time to go? When should you break up? I think those…the easiest way or…or one way to look at it is this kind of you know this this idea this analogy that I use in a lot of my workshops and in my three-day weekend retreat some stuff is just the idea of you know if you imagine a car that’s driving up a hill, not a train, not a train driving up a hill but a car. When the car is driving up a hill, the engine has to work harder. It just has to and that’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with having to you know put the pedal or you know little bit more gas or shift the gears so you can get more strength to the engine. That’s normal and nothing’s wrong versus when you’re driving around town with the parking brake on and the parking brake doesn’t need to be on. It’s creating all this extra effort and friction that doesn’t need to be there. But if you….you know how would you know if you grew up in a family where the parking brake was always on? You know if the only adult relationships you ever saw around you or modeled for you were relationships you know kind of like if you were taught to drive a car and you got in and somebody showed you the sweep with the keys and this is how you adjust the mirrors and here’s how you adjust your seat and put your seat belt on and oh, you know right by your side, there’s this lever and if you pull it up, push the button and pull it up you need to do that before you start the car and drive away. You know what if you were taught that relationships need to have the parking brake on? That that love and relationship is hard, is all this effort, is this smell that that love loving someone is the smell of burning brake pads and…and sluggish a sluggish car?

When in reality, having the brake the emergency brake on when you’re driving around town is not helpful. It is not helpful, it’s not good for the car, it’s not good for you, it…you don’t get better gas mileage out of your relationship but with all this extra effort and how I look at relationships and how we kind of frame love as this sacrifice like the more you love somebody, the more you will sacrifice for them. The more discomfort you will go through. You know, no wonder. People, just you know drive around with a parking brake on because the harder it is the more I must love you, right? The more hell that I go through, the more I must care. Now that’s very different than you know you’re sacrificing for your kids, you’re you know you have to work harder in a relationship because somebody lost their job or somebody got sick or you know there’s this there’s this other stresses going on in their relationships. Somebody’s trying you know to go back to school or money’s tight or whatever. Those things in my estimation, that’s….that’s the normal part like that’s when you have to work harder in a relationship and nothing’s wrong. And this other idea is, something’s wrong like there’s all this effort that doesn’t have to be there. And so that’s why you know I would consider or I would invite you, I just want to show you this…this calligraphy. I would invite you to spend some time thinking about for yourself, when is it the parking brake and when is it just normal driving up the hill effort and really start to question the role modeling you grew up around with your….your parents, other adults, grandparents whatever you know what kind of relationships or models for you growing up and did you pick up a bad habit of pulling that parking brake on and thinking that that is normal?

Unfortunately, it is kind of normal because a lot of people are making this mistake because no one ever taught them how to notice when it’s off but normal, meaning that everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean it’s right. Doesn’t mean it’s smart and so looking at relationships from that perspective and starting to assess like when is it the parking brake and from there you can start to kind of ask yourself “well if it’s the parking brake, am I in a relationship with somebody who is willing to work on this so we can take the parking brake down and actually have a healthier relationship?” And if you’re with somebody who isn’t who you know after some amount of time you know maybe it’s a couple of months, maybe it’s a year you know of you two going to therapy or taking the workshop, I do think you should get some outside help in in that. If you try to do all these changes and…and teach each other how to drive in a healthy way again, if you try to do it alone it’s not that you can’t pull it off, it’s just that you end up kind of being each other’s therapists and each other’s relationship coaches during the journey and I don’t think that’s really healthy. I think you know go get a relationship coach, go take a weekend seminar or something like that to work on relationship skills.

In yesterday’s video, we talked about you know like family constellation therapy workshops where you’re like working on your mommy and daddy issues so…so they’re not those issues aren’t running your relationship. I think you doing those workshops and you can do them together as a couple but you…you guys doing the work for yourselves with yourself and then cheering each other on is way more is a way better use of your efforts and way healthier dynamic plus you get extra support, a third opinion or a fourth opinion if you’re working with several people. I just think that’s healthier than you trying to be cheerleader coach therapist and lover to…to your partners. And….and again, for those of you in non-monogamous relationships you know you might realize you’re driving…you have a whole fleet of cars, all driving around with a parking brake on and so also just be kind with yourself and you don’t have to rush to any conclusions about breaking up. I mean again like [Inaudible 00:15:02], if….if you’re in a not-safe situation, you might have to make some quicker decisions for your safety and I’ll….if anyone is really geeky about that kind of stuff and has resources, I must tripped….has resources you want to put in the comments for…for support groups and things like that, for domestic violence and emotional abuse then please go right ahead. Let’s source each other as community because that’s not my specific area of expertise and I know some of you are nerds and…and smarty-pants about that kind of thing. And also Google exists so you can Google around as well.

I think I want to leave it there. I mean I don’t want to get too much into it but you know as far as like ending a bad relationship then there’s the…the next steps of how do you get out of a relationship, how do you trans transition mindfully and….and you know hopefully leave the campsite better than you’ve found it rather than burn the whole place down but…but that’s more of a topic for another time and I’ll put some links to some of the stuff on our website about breaking up. But I think a really…really useful thing is just to be able to assess if you’re in a in a good relationship if it’s healthy and just you’re working really hard because it’s a tough time or if it’s a….if it’s that parking brake thing.

Another great thing to look at for those of you who have watched my videos on dating your species, understanding what your bottom lines are and your deal-breakers in your relationships. If you’re in a relationship and a lot of those deal-breakers have been broken, if you’ve crossed a lot of those bottom lines then that might be an indicator that you’re destined to…to maybe break up or transition a relationship. Again, you know you should read the Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and I think it’s Jennifer or Susan or something as he co-wrote it but that can be really useful and just learning how to apologize to each other and how to forgive each other, that’s….it’s a super great book. And then there’s another great book by Tammy Nelson called I want to say the New Monogamy which is about infidelity but there’s some great stuff in that about you know making amends and rebuilding trust. So sometimes you can do all that even when bottom lines have been broken but generally if you have a bunch of bottom lines and sometimes you don’t know if they were broken because you don’t have them, you don’t know what they are yet but if there’s a ton of bottom lines broken and a lot of resentments, it can be tough to heal all that. Not impossible. Just really tough and you know sometimes it’s not it’s not an easy…easy choice for conversation but I just wanted to share these thoughts and kind of us as a beginner thing for people to think about and you don’t have to break up with anybody this weekend. You don’t have to you know burn any relationships to the ground. If you’re starting to consider from this video, “hmm, should I break up? Is it time to quit?” Go slow. You don’t make any rash decisions and one more time if you’re if your life is in danger then then get some support. Okay?

That’s going to be it. Have a great weekend everybody. I hope you enjoyed our little walk by the train tracks. Hit some emoticons on the way out if you want. Leave your questions and comments and your thoughts, resources if you have them in the comment section and I’ll answer them when I get a chance but have a great weekend for those of you celebrating 4th of July. Happy 4th of July! Happy birthday America! And…and for those of you in other parts of the world or celebrating other things, I hope you’re having a great weekend. Take care of yourselves everyone and go check out http://www.campbeaverton.org/ for Wayward Girls and even if you camp with somebody else at Burning Man, swing on by the Beaves.

I’ll be hanging out there, Allison Moon, a bunch of us. So come to say hi. Have a have a beer or a non-adult beverage as well.  Alright, bye, everyone!

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: