Is your relationship worth saving?
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, is there a way back from the brink? How can you assess a relationship and tell if it can be made to flourish again?
Reid: The brink of destruction?
Cathy: Or ending.
Reid: Brink of insanity. The brink of the known universe. This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: All right. How would you assess?
Cathy: Well, I’m an engineer, so I like to be really logical about things. I actually do lists. I’ve done this before. What am I getting out of the relationship? What do I think the relationship is contributing to both people’s lives? Then also the negatives, what isn’t working. I like to sit down with a partner and say, hey, can we fix these negative things that are getting in the way? To me, a relationship is useful as long as it’s helping both people grow and experience life in a really powerful way. There’s going to be times when it’s tough. But if overall the relationship isn’t supporting both people, then it might be time to get out. But knowing exactly what the negative things are, the things that are causing the road blocks are, and then getting very specific about them and identifying is this is something we can fix, is this something that will change over time versus something that’s just, this is who we are and this isn’t going to change, that helps me decide whether the relationship is worth the effort of trying to save it. I love what you teach, is the goal isn’t always to keep the relationship alive no matter what. You want to share about that?
Reid: No. No. You should share. I think what I would add to what you’re saying is take the resentments that are there and see if you can push those off to the side. Because resentments grow out of you not taking care of yourself. You’re not saying no to something or not having the clarity to renegotiate or adjust something that was going on. Most people are taught to use resentments as a form of blame. Like, I resent you because you did these things to me over and over again, when really, the empowering part is I have resentments, which is a clue that I was not speaking up for myself, or if I was speaking up, I wasn’t actually, you know, making that a bottom line or drawing a line. I re-expose myself over and over to a situation. The intentions could have been very genuine and very noble, but the resentments are usually building up because you’re not taking care of yourself. When you move those aside, because trying to figure out, to get an assessment, looking through resentment, just skews everything and you won’t get an accurate reading. Herr Engineer. If you can move those aside, what’s your intention for being in relationships at all, which is something at Relationship10x we talked about, the online course. Then, why are you 2 in a relationship? What’s the intention and what’s the purpose? When you look at those things, if you still have that shared intention, the shared purpose and it’s in alignment with why you’re in a relationship to begin with… like, if you’re in a relationship for security and you’re dating somebody who makes you feel insecure…
Cathy: That’s not a good fit.
Reid: Not a good fit! Like, I would say, even if you guys have a shared intention