Are you always the cool girl friend and never the cool girlfriend? Do you hate the idea of being shut down?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they talk about how you can deal with that fear of being shut down.
Cathy: We shot a video a while ago about being stuck in the friend zone.
Reid: It’s a Kenny Loggins song, right?
Cathy: It’s country Western for sure. Someone wrote in: “This has just hit the nail on the head for me. I’m always the cool girl friend and not the cool girlfriend.” She says she’s to shy to put herself out there. She hates the idea of being shut down. How can she deal with that fear of being shut down, what can she do?
Reid: There’s a couple of radical, I mean, by now if you’re watching these videos, we’ve got radical advices.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. What I would do is, now, this is depending on how shy you are, get a bunch of your friends together that you actually don’t like, that want to be in the friend zone with and say, “Hey listen, can we practice the information in the first video with each other because I want to have a break through around being able to the stuff out there.”
Cathy: Then being shut down you can actually role model, “Could you give me different reactions? Start gentle, funny, build up so that I can see if I can handle it.”
Reid: Then so you kind of get your friends together for target practice. You get gently shut down. The key here though in this video is to understand this. When you put yourself out there, when your friends that you want to be more with say no, they’re actually not shooting you down. They’re doing you a huge favor because what’s happening is whenever any of your friends say no, thank them for taking care of themselves.
Cathy: It tricks your brain beautifully.
Reid: It does that. How many of you out there have invited people to do things with you, they said yes and then in the middle of doing it, it was obvious they did not want to be doing that with you.
Cathy: It sucks. It’s so miserable.
Reid: Oh, it made it so much more delightful. Wee. Then you have to put up with their bad mood and all the grief. When people say no to you just in life in general, just go thank you for taking care of yourself, because one, it tricks your brain a little bit, if we’re thanking them, it must be a good thing so that means it’s not bad. The other thing is you’re encouraging them to say no in the future so they save you more grief. Where I’m applying this to somebody not wanting to be more than just friends, one, you know you’re not pining away waiting for them to get it like some bad after school special, useful. Two, they gave you really good information even though it stings. You’re like, “Ah, I was really hoping you’d go for it.” But now it’s done. You can thank them for taking care of themselves because they also just let you know you don’t have to wait and second guess and drag yourself through hell.
I think it’s a good thing. In those instances, the only really bad thing that happens is you might have to go through some grief because you’re like, “Oh, I’ve been all over this person for two or three years,” or whatever. I’m sorry, better to go through the grief and move on with your life, I think, than you pining away for five years when they’re not gonna want to date you at all. If it magically shifts and they do want to have a relationship with you later, you can change your mind but that’s much healthier even though it’s tough. But we need to grow up and get a little bit more courageous about this stuff. Best case scenario, sometimes people say yes.
Cathy: If you’ve role modeled this when you practiced this with some friends so that the rejection doesn’t land, it doesn’t hit you so hard, and you say thank you for taking care of yourself and you can kind of be present with that, that means the friendship probably won’t go. No guarantees but it’s less likely to get awkward and uncomfortable.
Reid: This is the brilliant little piece here, right? You have a bunch of friends you practice this with so if and when you do get shut down, again, thank them for taking care of themselves because they did you a favor. It’s not really being shut down but you can go to your friends and be like, “Guys, I did that really courageous, brave thing.”
Cathy: Then I got shut down.
Reid: They said no. Then they can console you and cheer you on being a courageous, awesome individual who’s not consigning themselves to a life of unrequited love.
Cathy: Let us know what you think. Leave comments below.
Reid: You’re awesome for even watching this video. Be brave little soldiers. You’re going to do great. Life will work out. Not everybody is going to fall in love with you. It’s okay.
Cathy: It’s actually probably a good thing.
Reid: Yes, yes. Comments. Go.