Trouble Orgasming?
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: A lot of women have trouble orgasming.
Reid: What? That explains everything.
Cathy: They may not be able to orgasm with a partner or by themselves or they may just be, it may take them a long time or it might be a struggle for them.
Reid: I just thought it was me.
Cathy: It is you sweetie.
Reid: It’s me, so me, if anyone can orgasm around me is a miracle. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from the TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: Alright, so we’re going to put a little humor into what can be a frustrating situation.
Cathy: There is pressure, if you’re having trouble orgasming and your partner is starting to take it personal, there’s more pressure. It can cause, there can be stress in a relationship because of it. We’ve been taught as a society that an orgasm is a goal, it’s what were supposed to go for. If our partner is not helping us orgasm they may feel they’re not doing a good job. There can be, it can put stress in our relationship; which makes it even harder to orgasm.
Reid: Yes.
Cathy: One of the things I like to do is, I recommend for my clients, is they just take some time that’s not; your agreement is you’re not going to orgasm. You can spend …
Reid: Reverse psychology, that’s good.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: You’re not allowed to orgasm; enjoy yourselves.
Cathy: Just set aside, you can set a timer if you’d like. Where you’re just going to have an hour to touch and play and enjoy each other’s bodies.
Reid: No orgasms, none. Did I scare you?
Cathy: Yes, you can play that in the background if that does anything for you.
Reid: Schnell with no orgasming.
Cathy: It does take the pressure off. Talking about it, a lot of people just get caught up in their own heads about it. They’re not sharing with their partners and so their both; you might be in your head, “Oh my God she didn’t orgasm.” I might be in my head, “Oh my God, I didn’t orgasm. He’s going to think I’m not responsive or I don’t care.”
Reid: You’re not attracted to him and then he’s going to get triggered that he’s not a man, because a real man always makes his woman cum. I don’t know.
Cathy: It can be spiral, so difficult conversation formula is a good one to follow; links below. To help people talk about, just getting it out in the open could relieve some of the pressure.
Reid: Yeah. Mostly have those conversations when you’re not trying to have an orgasm. That will help. Talking about this stuff when you’re not in bed, when you’re in situations where it’s okay to have the conversation but not have to have, go to have sex right after the conversation. I would also recommend setting the goal of not, we’re going to play and try not to have an orgasm.
Maybe if you guys want to, if it’s not so frustrating and overwhelming emotionally. For some people have been wrestling with this stuff for years, so the advice we’re giving right now may seem insurmountable. Try playing with not having an orgasm, or not trying to go for the orgasm. Play with that for several days. Let the erotic energy, let the tension build up in a fun way.
You’re winning because you’re playing and not trying to orgasm. Sometimes that reverse psychology can help, because then what you’re doing is, you’re having fun, you’re doing something positive. The tensions and the energy is building up on its own, rather than being diverted to, I’m failing, this is frustrating; now there’s anxiety. Which whether this is real or not, it is a more empowering framework. The energy that would normally be released in orgasm, I am releasing in the anxiety and the frustration. Can you re-frame it and make it a win that you have this tension that’s the good frustration not the failure frustration.
Cathy: Also, our society generally teaches us not to talk about what’s going on and what we need in bed. Just, instead of aiming for the orgasm, what can make me orgasm? You can play around and try different things, different touched, different types of sensation. Just start communicating with each other. Wow, I really like that.
Reid: Yeah, going for the pleasure rather than for the goal.
Cathy: Talking about, I like that. That, maybe if I were more excited. I really love if the person can orgasm when they masturbate, but if they’re having trouble orgasming with a partner; have the person masturbate while the other person holds them and watches. You can actually see what people like. What they do themselves, they know works. They’ve run experiments.
Reid: Yeah, but there’s biofeedback thing. It’s me touching myself very different than you touching me. There’s all that too.
Cathy: You can learn, you can learn …
Reid: You can, I’m just saying. It’s not always fail safe.
Cathy: It can be really hot.
Reid: It is often hot. Also if you haven’t been practicing or playing with or exploring using toys and different positions. For a lot of women or female bodily people, people with clitoris’s. Vibrational stimulation on their clit can work really well and enhance a lot of things. If you haven’t been trying those things, exploring those things, and if you’re not exploring them because your partner is, “I’m being replaced by a vibrator.” Dudes… professional tools, create professional results. I’m just telling you, I’m just telling you. Go open up the conversation about brining toys into the bedroom to enhance and play with things. Sometimes those things help a lot. They’re not always the magic, the silver bullet, the magic bullet that solves everything.
Explore your options and have fun with exploring. Don’t make exploring, the need to explore options mean that you’re a failure. You’re not.
Cathy: Yes. If you’re still struggling and you tried these suggestions and you’re just not making headway. There’s some amazing coaches out there; sometimes getting a different perspective, someone to listen to you who can go … we get in ruts, we don’t even realize we’re going something.
Reid: Like a golf pro, just a little adjustment to the wrist there. Everything is great now.
Cathy: Talking to a coach or a therapist about this can be really helpful. You deserve to feel really good.
Reid: Sometimes it’s useful to talk to somebody else, rather than always processing with your partners. That can be helpful too. I would encourage you to be talking to your partners as well.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Awesome. Comments, leave comments.
Cathy: Good luck.
Reid: Let’s know what it’s like. How it’s going for you. Bye.