Too Many Single Men at A Play Party You Are Hosting, What Do You Do?

by Reid on April 9, 2019

Too Many Single Men at A Play Party You Are Hosting, What Do You Do?



Reid: It’s on.

Cathy: Yes. Now you’re going to.

Reid: You, you ask the question and then you tell me who I am and I tell you who you are and then they keep watching.

Cathy: Hopefully.

Reid: Yeah.

Cathy: Okay.

Reid: It’s hard to sort eagles people, that’s all I’m saying, that’s all I’m saying.

Cathy: If you’re running a play party and you have too many single guys show up. What do you do? This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from the and we’re talking about this in a perspective of organizers or facilitators of play party events so technically this could be construed as business advice for sex educators or people who run play parties or you’re just a non-identified sec you know you’re not a sex educator but you want to run little gathering where adults get together and maybe have sex so you decide what shirt I need to be wearing today while we teach because I think this video’s appropriate for everyone.

Cathy: Yes. So you can run play parties and charge money for people to be in the space it’s very important. I’ve learned not to charge for the play party but charge for the space and the food or whatever because it’s not you’re not guaranteeing that anyone will have any connections, you’re not guaranteeing sex, you’re not selling sex but you’re paying, you’re organizing.

Reid: You’re trying to pay for the space.

Cathy: Yes. Yes.

Reid: Okay.


Cathy: Or you can just invite some friends over to play and that’s really fun but you can’t always control some people do try to gender balance. I find that really challenging to do because half the time people cancel last minute or someone wants to bring a friend so like you’re juggling a lot, I tend not to do that but I will sometimes say cut off people like there’s only so many tickets for different gender just to try to bring it somewhat close but

Reid: Coz most, most people feel more comfortable if there’s even distribution of male identified, female identified or genders or however you want to identify with you know men and women or this or that.

Cathy: Yeah. But I had a play party a couple of weeks ago, there are there are more men than women and there were some like oh no, they.

Reid: Tension.

Cathy: Tension, coz they were, I could feel the disappointment for the guys that came in and actually worked out well. Everybody seemed to have a really good time. Some of the women are very generous and enjoyed the fact that there were lots of friendly candidates.

Reid: So some people, that works out great.

Cathy: Yes, but when they were coming and I can feel the disappointment of people, they’re like kind of looking around going oh wow, and.

Reid: And how did you address that?

Cathy: When I was, we went through the opening circle with Monique Darling and I ran the opening circle and I talked about the fact that it’s just really cool to be at a play party and that if you kind of connect and have a good time that that leaves you, you know using that time in a really good way and it will probably fill you up more than if you’re sitting there in the corner going I’m not going to talk to anyone I can’t sleep with.

Reid: All by myself.

Cathy: Yeah and one of the participants, he was amazing, I think it was his first play party but he said that he had the belief that people would ignore him and cut him off and then he had he did he was just going to be with that feeling and he just he was the cool he had such a good time and he was really fun to be around because he was just like okay you know, I’m announcing this now, I’m probably not going to play with anyone but I just want to be with my feelings of not having connection and he was like he for a while he was just sitting there but he would talk to people if they talk to him and then you know he was dancing just by himself being with his body and it was really fun like really very present then some other people are kind of feeling lonely, he invited them to dance too and it was just a really beautiful connection.

Reid: Wow.

Cathy: And you could tell like he was like people really connected deeply with him because he was just being with his emotions through the whole night.

Reid: Now for those who you think that that maybe hokey. I can, I can already feel you thinking this, single guy, already said that he’s dealing with feelings of being alone dancing in the corner could be weird but if because you shared the vulnerability piece

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And for those of you who’ve never been to a play party. Interesting things happen when when we confront or name the social weirdness that might be in the room and if you think about play parties as being like a seventh grade school dance on steroids, all our fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grader, I’m not going to fit in, nobody’s going to like me you know even for the popular kids you know, oh my god what if this is not the night where I’m popular like it’s the seventh grade school dance on steroids and naming what was going on for him and being with it for at least for a scenario it feels like wow you’re really courageous, you’re really you know being powerful, even if you’re not feeling powerful. Even if you’re feeling wobbly and there’s a version of that that is damn sexy

Cathy: Yes

Reid: And inspiring.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And then all of a sudden you’re like wow you’re like what you’re reporting like, you’re pretty cool.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Coz you’re just grabbing the bull by the horns and and being with it which is actually like really good advice just for life and not just play parties.

Cathy: Yeah. Yeah. No, and the fact that he was just being with it, he announced it, like I would have him in any play party I have like, I’d be delighted to have him there. Just because he actually not only did he take care of his own energy, he was inviting other people who are kind of feeling left out to just you know, they said no it’s fine but it was really fun, I do think, one thing I require for my play parties for when there’s not, there not just friends is like I require either they’ve gone to a cuddle party or they’ve been to other play parties of people I know because then I know they have some idea of consent and they’ve also had their tanks filled up a little bit, they know how at least to do that.

Reid: So what’s your advice for first-timers who’ve never been to any of those like they’ve never been to a cuddle party.

Cathy: If they can’t get to a cuddle party, if there isn’t one? If there is one, I recommend cuddle party before play party any day of the week but in some areas of the country in the world there’s not cuddle parties so maybe get, it’s kind of funny I think of Gerald O’hara with Gone with the Wind. Scarlett would hurt and he would have her her maid would have her eat something before she went to the to dinner because she wouldn’t be starving and she would be polite and I’m not advocating that we should go back to the eighteen hundreds but or any of that but

Reid: I’m sure they have play party back then.

Cathy: Probably they did but just like eating something before you go like whether it’s masturbating or getting a massage or getting some of your needs met so that you’re going not like, I must have the thing to like, oh I get to be at this cool place and experience all my feelings and like just learn about myself and meet some cool people, I really encourage people if you’re having a play party to have a non-sexual space so I had my backyard was you know it’s PG-13 out there my neighbors did not consent to a play party but it was just nice people go out there and sit and talk about work or whatever

Reid: Yeah, it takes the pressure off.

Cathy: And they can take a break from the energy and they could, yeah and it was just a nice place for people to connect.

Reid: Got it! So if you got questions about play parties, leave your questions in the comments below and we’ll try to answer them, we’re going to end this video and we’re going to come right back because I’ve got a question for Cathy about shy people at play parties.

Cathy: Oh nice, cool.

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