When Language Helps Rather Than Hurts Your Relationship…

As you read the following, please notice what thoughts and feelings you experience… I’ll explain my dilemma below:

Women today are the most autonomous, educated & powerful generation in recorded history… Yet, do you feel like you’ve embraced your full Feminine power?

What do you need to allow your full freedom, expression and joy?

Discover the Keys to Feminine Power in this FREE online event…

My Dilemma…

The call listed above is a real, free call, offered by successful, savvy women who have helped thousands of people, by a group I respect and value… But how did the language, the words and phrases used in that brief example… How did they feel to you? How did they “land on you?” Did they resonate with you?

I’m using Claire Zammit, Ph.D.(c) and Katherine Woodward Thomas’ online event (You can see more of their languaging on their site via the link) above as an example, and I’d love feedback, because I have a dilemma and I could use your help.

My dilemma is with language.

And, it’s actually a good dilemma, but one I need your advice and input on.

I hope what I’m sharing today and what I’m asking you to help me out with resonates for you and is useful to you… I even shot a short video on what I talk about below because I thought it would be more useful for you visual learners out there!

Please feel free to watch the video and/or read the article. They’re based on one another but not exactly the same. Let me know what’cha think!

When Language Helps Rather Than Hurts Your Relationships…

Language can help us relate, learn and leverage other people’s experiences. Language, and how we use it, is fundamental to relationships. And it can create problems and challenges. Let’s look at 3 challenges with language, so you can avoid conflict, and so you geeks out there can nod wisely the next time someone brings this up.

1) Language Can Alienate

Some of you, when you read the word “resonate” above, might have thrown up in your mouth, thinking, “I hate that word. I hate when people use the word resonate.”

The word “resonate” itself may not resonate for you, which is basically to say that when we use certain words or phrases, language alienates. It can actually shut down communication and connection. This is something I’m having to deal with more at ReidAboutSex, and I’ll explain my dilemma in a second.

2) Language Can Drag Cultural Baggage Into the Situation (And, Sometimes, NOT Drag It In)

Another thing that language can do is drag Culture into places that we don’t necessarily want or need it. For those of you who’ve checked out the free relationship videos on Relationship10x.com, in the first free video, I talk about how, when I teach people about romance, I don’t talk about it in “men” and “women” terms. I talk about romance in terms of Cats and Dogs. You can go to that website and sign up if you’d like more details.

The reason I don’t talk about romance in the terms of men and women is you can end up dragging all your cultural baggage about the “battle of the sexes” into the conversation. I’m talking about getting your partner to be more romantic and you’re pissed off at the last seven people you dated because “romance” and “men” or “romance” and “women” bring a whole host of expectations, beliefs, hurts and fears up for you.

All of a sudden, it becomes harder for me to reach folks because they’re now listening through their Cultural filters and whatever emotional stuff I’ve kicked up.

On the other hand… Language can also help us feel more seen and connected and quell emotional turbulence that Cultural baggage can bring.

For some people, the words Masculine and Feminine really resonate with them. They learn best from that approach because, for whatever reason, those words and phrases work. I shared an example of a course at the top of this newsletter that’s using a lot of words like “feminine” and “empowerment speak” in their approach. For those who like that approach and languaging, their free call may be a delightful and fun introduction into a powerful paradigm where the way they’re talking and writing -the words they’re using- work for you. You sign up for the call and, all of a sudden, you feel spoken to and connected with in a way that you might not previously have felt seen and connected with in your day to day Culture. The connectedness quells the harsh disconnect you feel coming from Culture.

For some, we can even take this experience a step further and leave the Cultural Baggage at home for a bit! IT’S POSSIBLE!

Example: Let’s turn to the Tantra community for this… In Tantra, because of it’s origins and because of how it made it’s way to being taught in North American Culture, there’s a lot of use of Sanskrit terms. Rather than calling something a penis, you call it a lingam. Rather than calling it vulva or vagina, you call it a yoni.

I have friends who love to bust on the Tantra community who would say, “Please do not call my junk my yoni. Please call it my junk.” From an activist perspective, there is a larger conversation about cultural appropriation (Learn more HERE, btw), but that is beyond the scope of this piece. The observation I want to make here is that you can use different languages/words/phrases intentionally as a teaching/learning (and connecting) technique to avoid activating cultural baggage we grew up with long enough to install/download new tools and concepts that will, hopefully, empower us to overcome the Cultural Baggage we needed to stave off in the first place.

If you have a lot sexual shame and it’s really difficult for you to talk about your vagina or your penis, me calling it a yoni or a lingam might allow you to have a conversation about your genitalia that wasn’t possible before. This approached of using language to open doors and hold them open, if used consciously, can be very useful indeed.

3) Not Everyone Speaks The Same Language, So How Do We Know What To Use?

What most of us are hoping to do when we use language is build connection and share information. Since words can build connection with one person and destroy it with someone else, language becomes tricky terrain.

I’ll use Tantra, again, as an example.

If I said, “Honey, I want to connect, and open up our hearts so that we can really be present with each other and recognize the divinity in our union…” I know there are going to be people who will roll their eyes and say, Oh, pleeeeeeease… Others will sit up and get more excited… They feel more seen with the words I used to language my intention.

Again, just like the example at the top of the page, some people LOVE learning using the Feminine/Masculine paradigm. Some women adore being called a goddess while others will ask you to never use that term. Some people dislike binary, black and white distinctions about gender, while others get so overwhelmed when you tell them that gender is a performance that they can’t listen to or learn what they came to you seeking to work on.

Why am I bringing all this up at all, you may ask? These points are useful not just to me as an educator but to YOU as a human being in relationships! Because, when you can become aware of the power and nuances of language, you can check in with your loved ones and ask if you’re using language that’s fostering more connection or eroding it.

Are you unintentionally dragging culture into your communications or are you freeing yourselves from the baggage? Are you alienating or endearing?

When you can mindfully alter the language that you’re using so that the people that you’re trying to communicate with feel more seen and heard, and open up more, EVERYBODY WINS! For me as a teacher, this is really useful because if I’m not shutting you down and if I’m connecting with you on a deeper level, I’m creating an environment where it’s easier for you to learn and integrate what I’m sharing. You can imagine how useful this kind of connection and openness would be to have in romantic relationships. Imagine if your parents had more access to that? I know it would have helped my Mom and Dad A LOT.

Look at how you’re communicating in your personal relationships, in your business relationships, relationships with family, and consider how you could use language to your (and their) advantage.

Start asking the people that you talk to: “What kind of language/words/phrases work best for you? How can I connect with you more?” You might be surprised what you discover!

Which brings me back to my dilemma…

Because you all have been so amazing and sweet and supporting me in my work, I’m becoming more well known.

I’m being invited to work with people, programs, communities and organizations that target really specific demographics. Some of them use language that may not be as inclusive as I would normally use because I’m a language geek (as you can see from this post).

Just because their language may be “less inclusive” to me doesn’t mean it’s not resonating for the people that they’re targeting or trying to help or reach, or that their information isn’t useful to a lot of people.

I’ll use Arielle Ford’s amazing call series as an example. I was quite intimidated when I was invited to share my thoughts and ideas on relationships along with Deepak Chopra and Jonathan Gray, Marianne Williamson, Alison Armstrong. People I admire. People I consider “famous-famous.”

Her call series was called Attract Your Soulmate Now. Soulmate is not a phrase that falls out of my mouth every other second. I don’t use it much; however, for people who are looking for that lifelong partner or that partner where they feel “We’re soulmates,” that phrase is VERY powerful. Just because I don’t use it, doesn’t mean it’s not a good phrase to use to connect to certain folks.

My dilemma and what I’m asking you for help for is: I’d like you to tell me the language that works best for YOU. You can email me and let me know.

I need to know you guys better so that I can be more inclusive and use language that works for you guys. This will not only help me adjust my languaging more to your tastes, it’ll also help me give you a heads up when I’m working with people who’s languaging might be a turn off to y’all.

If I’m a part of some call series that’s for X, Y, Z folk, I can tell you “Hey, just so you know, this is a call series for the X, Y, Z demographic. Don’t be offended by the use of their language. They’re not talking to you personally. They’re talking to so-and-so…” And I can tell you what I think you might get out of a particular program, and how better to determine if it’s a good fit for you.

I’m playing detective here. I want to know the language that works really well for you guys. I know I won’t be able to please all of you, all the time, but I want to “speak your language” as much as possible or at least let you know that I’m aware of this language dilemma.

I’m also assuring you that, to the best of my Sex Geeky abilities, I’m doing my due diligence to work with people who have really high integrity, who I think are designing really great programs to get better info out there to more of the people who need it. For me, working consciously with lots of different educators and organizations helps me expose my content to more diverse demographics, and I think that can be a powerful thing for all involved. The message I’m sharing is new and unique to many of the groups I’m working with now and I think it’s impacting them positively.

I apologize in advance if you see me promoting something that you’re just, like, “What the heck is he doing?” If you ever have a problem or a question about anything that I’m involved in, I’m inviting you to e-mail me at Reid@ReidAboutSex.com and say, “Dude, what’s up? You’re promoting this thing here and I’m offended. Tell me what’s going on.”

I can’t promise all of you will like all my answers or all the reasons why I participate. You might still be angry at me, but please know that, to the best of my ability, I’m working with good people and/or people who are reaching populations I think are important. I’m always going to bring the best content I have every time I show up and try to help as many people as I can.

Sorry for the long article, and thank you so much if you got this far. Let me know what kind of language works for you, what doesn’t. And I’d love to know what you found useful about this article and/or video?

xxREiD

Ps. Here is more of the languaging Claire and Katherine are using in the promo-copy for their Free, online event, just in case you were curious:

Women today are the most autonomous, educated & powerful generation in recorded history… Yet, do you feel like you’ve embraced your full Feminine power?

What do you need to allow your full freedom, expression and joy?

Discover the Keys to Feminine Power in this FREE online event on July 31st with women’s transformation experts, Claire Zammit, Ph.D.(c) and Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Women, with of all your successes and inner work, do you feel a yearning to realize your highest potentials, to awaken your larger destiny?

Women’s transformation experts, Claire Zammit, Ph.D.(c) and Katherine Woodward Thomas, have helped unearth the deeper potentials of thousands of women around the globe, and they’re hosting a FREE online event for women on July 31st, 2013.

http://ow.ly/nks2g

Tagged as: Communication, feminine, language, masculine, Tantra