Do you ever find yourself being attracted to aspects of people that you think you shouldn’t like? Or not being attracted to people you think you should like?
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss preferences, attraction, and image!
Cathy: Today we’re talking about body preference and body image. A lot of people think that you have to like what’s PC, and our bodies don’t always feel that way. We don’t always feel that way. This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: The other day I was talking to someone and she was kind of embarrassed because her boyfriend had told her that he didn’t find me attractive.
Reid: Her boyfriend didn’t find you attractive?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: That’s exactly what you want to be telling your girlfriends.
Cathy: [Laughs].
Reid: Not because Cathy is not attractive, but because that’s your girlfriend.
Cathy: Well, the point was she was all embarrassed because she thought I’d be insulted and she wanted to share because it was bothering her, which is fine. My friends and I have very open conversations. She was confused because she thought that people were supposed to like … You know we have a very fun connection and so she was confused why he didn’t find me attractive because he’s not attracted to bigger women and she expected me, I think, to be hurt.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: I wasn’t. I love when you talk about we don’t always like …
Reid: Are you attracted to him?
Cathy: He’s fun but not necessarily no.
Reid: If you’re watching, she doesn’t like you either.
Cathy: It’s not about that though.
Reid: No, exactly that’s the point. That’s why I’m making fun of it. It’s about your allowed to be attracted to … You can like people and not have to be attracted to them. You can be attracted to people and not like them.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Right? So that’s really about what’s erotic and what turns you on, which is often not a logical kind of a thing.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Then we have the PC thing and we’re supposed to be openhearted and unconditional love. Well you can have unconditional love for people and not be turned on by them and we don’t talk about that.
Cathy: No and that’s why I wanted to bring that up. I think it’s really important to know that just because … Humans have preferences for what they find sexy and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think that in the past I’d really been hurt when someone found me unattractive because of my size because I had my own internal shame.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: So, when they said no you’re just bigger … When I’d go out on a date with someone and they’d say I don’t want to see you again, I’d say, “Why?” They’d say, “Well, you know you’re a bigger woman and that’s not my thing.” I also wasn’t filtering my dating profile at that point. I wasn’t putting it at the top. So I was meeting people and that wasn’t necessarily something they prefer or like or didn’t care about one way or the other.
It was proof to me that my shame was real. I thought because I was bigger I was unattractive, my body wasn’t beautiful. It kind of fed into that shame. I think that when we start feeling that kind of shame we get to look inside first and see what we’re telling ourselves about our bodies.
Reid: Yeah, or what culture is telling you about your body.
Cathy: Yeah, absolutely.
Reid: Which you’ve adopted as the truth.
Cathy: Humans do that. You’re kind of brainwashed. You’re constantly bombarded with skinny is happy, skinny is good. We’re told that all the time.
Reid: Yeah. I sometimes wonder if because there is such a stereotypical what is beauty in our culture and if this was the 1500s we’d have a different version. Like if you were six foot tall walking around and a skinny model people would think you were unhealthy back in the 1500s. So there’s a pendulum of what body image, what’s approved and what’s desirable.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: Understanding that you’ve inherited the cultural programming or paradigm of the day and that it will shift again. Now, you and I may not be alive in 22-25 when things are different. Who knows. You can let go of your own personal issues and you can often find more, not satisfaction but approval by hanging out with people who are into whatever you’re into.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Or whatever you look like.
Cathy: Yeah. So I think that the point here is identify what works for you and then look for those kinds of people.
Reid: Date your species.
Cathy: Yeah. Thank you.
Reid: Leave comments.
Cathy: Yeah. We’d love to hear what you think.
Reid: Bye.