Is your relationship growing stale? Are one or both of you shut down or disconnected?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share simple, practical
steps you can take to bring the passion back into your life, and create warmth and love again.
Cathy: Hey everyone. Do you want to revitalize your relationship?
Reid: Do you want to reignite your passion?
Cathy: It can be hard if you’re feeling shut down.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: And once you’re shut down, you tend not to communicate and I think a lot of people start looking elsewhere for connection.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: So it can be a downward slide.
Reid: Yeah. So if you can un-shutdown yourself, if you’re going to open yourself up and actually get yourself out of that little spiral or interrupt it altogether, it’s a lot more accessible and possible for you to reignite those passions and we’re going to tell you how you can reignite those passions spiffy ways.
Cathy: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: So one thing that happens if one person is starting to feel shut down, the other person probably senses it and most people will respond one of two ways.
Reid: That’s sexy. Oh my god, you’re so shut down, oh I’m feeling passionate. That’s probably not one of them.
Cathy: Probably not. They might get really fearful and clingy like don’t leave me like what can I do ah or and we’re not mocking people we know how painful that can be.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: Or they can start feeling resentful and angry and kind of going you never do that, you’re never there for me anymore.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: Those are really human responses and neither one is likely to open up your — like bring more connection back to your relationship.
Reid: Uh-hum. So the big question is taking a look at if you’re shut down, what can you do. The main thing I would say is tell your partner that you’re feeling shut down.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Get the stuff that’s in your head out of your head so that it has less control over you. Like this is a bad neighborhood, you’ll get mugged up here and if you can get things out either on paper or to a therapist or to a close friend or to your partner, it will have so much less strength and control over your head and eventually you’re going to want to share it with you partner anyway.
Cathy: Yes and just stating the elephant in the room can go a long ways towards reconnecting you.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: Because now you’re both having the same viewpoint. The other person is not lost knowing that something is wrong but not what.
Reid: And you’ve also role modeled and given your partner permission that it’s okay for them to tell you what’s going on for them as well. And then if you guys are both sharing what’s going on, that’s building the intimacy and the connection back again that was being interrupted by the fact that you had something you hadn’t spoken up about. So that’s the first thing to do to kind of interrupt ways that you’re feeling shut down.
Cathy: I think it can also really help to determine what your needs are that you’re not getting met. Because if you’re not feeling passion, if you’re not feeling connection, there may be a need between the two of you that you’re not feeling is being met. So you’re kind of starving and backing away.
Reid: A good place to look for unmet needs check out the book The Five Love Languages —
Cathy: That’s right.
Reid: –by Gary Chapman. A really great book for those of you who — I mean he’s a religious man so if that kind of tenor, the word god in a book doesn’t work for you, just ignore it. The book is super, super worth it and for those of you who are really religious and spiritual, you’re going to love this guy. He’s awesome.
Cathy: Yeah. The information is really powerful. So learning what your partner’s love language is, learning what your love languages are you might just find that he’s been speaking Russian and you’ve been speaking French and you’re both saying I love you.
Reid: Uh-hum. But because you guys are saying it in a different language, in a different dialect, you’re not feeling it and that is one thing that might be having you feeling shut down. You’re now so depleted in the area of feeling loved and seen and cared for by your partner that you’ve just withered. It’s like a vitamin deficiency, you have basically a relationship version of rickets or scurvy. So we’re going to get you some lime so we can get you some vitamin C and pull you out of that.
Cathy: Yes. This is the biggest sexual organ that exists, the brain.
Reid: Yes, that’s true.
Cathy: So engaging the brain and a lot of people get enjoyment and connection out of creating together.
Reid: Uh-hum.
Cathy: So if you’re working with your partner to figure out how to reignite the passion, you’re already pulling together. You’re already doing something together and it’s a team effort rather than why didn’t you do that, you weren’t there for me or… It becomes a joint creation.
Reid: Uh-hum. Also, understand that if you guys are going to create that team project, you know, team reignite the passion, when you consciously start doing that, resentments and old hurts and old emotional things that are unfinished, that business will float to the surface. Much like when you’re cleaning out your swimming pool for the new season, dredging up those leaves from the bottom will muddy the waters for a little bit. So as you go into this, realize that it’s going to be a little uncomfortable at first and we are warning you now so that you don’t get shut down again.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: If you get shut down again, return to step one.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Tell your partner you’re feeling shut down.
Cathy: And you can always get some coaching if that helps. Sometimes talking to a third person can help clear things up really quickly.
Reid: Yup.
Cathy: So leave comments below.
Reid: Subscribe to this channel if you’re interested in getting more alerts to these videos and other fun things.
Cathy: Thanks.
Reid: Bye.