How Do You Apply The Five Languages of Apology To Someone You’ve Hurt? | Facebook Walk With Reid
Reid: Hello Facebook! It is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and it is raining out today and I am in I’m on Oregon coast and I have been informed by my friends that gorgonians do not use umbrellas and so in typical Oregon fashion Oregon….Oregon. I am…I’m not using an umbrella today because I want to be like an Oregonian. So what I need from you right now, I need you to tell me that you can hear me. So leave a comment that you can hear me because I’m using my little speaker or my plugin you know phone microphone so that you can hear me better because I’m….I’m by a busy road that is near lovely Marsh on the Oregon coast.
So it looks like everyone can hear me. Yes? Do an emoticon if you can hear me and I’m going to…..we’re going to walk down to the water by the docks as I talk to you today about languages of apology and how we hear or can receive the….the apologies of others and this is going to be really useful relationship advice. This is based on a book by Gary Chapman who wrote “The Five Love Languages” this book The Five Love Languages Apology which I think got retitled to “When I’m Sorry is not Enough.” I think I think it’s the same book I could be wrong but you can still buy The Five Love Languages Apology on Amazon but I think it got retitled. This is really useful for me as a as a sex educator in helping other people figure out how to forgive each other and this idea that we have like forgiveness languages or forgiveness dialects and the way that you might try to say you’re sorry may not be the way that your partner feels like you really care and you’re really are sorry.
So I’m in Wheeler….Wheeler, Oregon right now for those of you who care and I’m visiting a good friend of my lover and I’ve got a couple of days to work on geeky things and enjoy the Oregon coast of which we are headed to in a moment. So, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman really….really powerful, simple…..simple book and I recommend that everybody reads it. For those of you who are atheist or agnostic I should warn you that the man is the creature so there are parts of the book they get a little religious…..religiously but it’s a good book it’s very useful for those of you who are religiously you will love the book, it’ll be great. He co-wrote a book called The Five Languages of Apology with Jennifer and I always forget her last name and Jennifer if I ever meet you in person, I apologize in advance for never being able to remember your last name. If somebody wants to Google real quickly what Jennifer’s last name is and…and post it in the comments that will rock because I can’t Google you right now but now we’re going to cross the street because we’re heading towards the waterfront but he wrote the book The Five Languages of Apology with Jennifer co-wrote it and this is also super useful and super powerful because the book talks about similar to The Five Love Languages that we have dialects of saying we’re sorry that may be different from the ways that our loved ones or our friends or our co-workers because this stuff isn’t just about romantic relationships this is just people skills you your way of saying you’re sorry might not be in the dialect of the way the other person feels like you’re sorry and so you might be trying to apologize up and down and they just don’t believe you and they just feel like you don’t care and in those instances what’s going on is it’s probably a language of apology I am going to do a little pan here. If you’re saying you’re sorry to your loved one and they don’t believe you or they don’t feel like you’re really sorry that is that is a clue that is probably a language of apology situation and that you need to change your dialect. So the book if I’m remembering it correctly and I wrote down on a notepad what the love the…the languages of apologies are so I wouldn’t forget and I forgot the note at home duh! But the main ones are it’s expressing regret so just saying that you’re sorry, it’s restitution making restitution so it’s making amends or you know if you apologized and you screwed something up to go fix it there is expressing a desire to change so it’s that you really want to you acknowledge that…..that you know what you did was wrong and that that you’re going to change your behaviors. Regret, restitution, changing your behavior and then regret restitution changing your behavior and there’s two more which I’m going to remember in a second but there are also our words but they’re super….super useful.
Now I’m walking out onto a dock so hopefully, I will not die. Just like with The Five Love Languages you might have at least one or two ways of saying you’re sorry and you’re also [Inaudible 00:06:17] and your…..your ways of forgiving people, your ways of…of receiving somebody else’s apology might not be in the same order or the same languages that you say you’re sorry at. So you might….. oh, requesting forgiveness that’s the that’s one…..that’s the fourth one so now we just have one more to figure out. So you might be somebody who just says you’re sorry like “oh, I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?” And that’s the way that you try to you know make an apology but for you to forgive somebody what you need is restitution which is you know if somebody screwed up with you they’re saying “I’m sorry. Please forgive me” and you’re like “no, like you…I can’t get off that easy. I’m not just going to forgive you.” So when somebody says that you know I’m not just going to forgive you usually that is a clue that it’s a different language that they need to believe that you’re actually sorry and for them to start forgiving you which is the beginning of rebuilding trust and where this is really important in relationships is when you when somebody screws up, when you know what dialect you need from somebody or you need to give somebody so that they can truly forgive you and start the healing process that’s the beginning of kind of you know like getting if you cut yourself you get stitches like this this is the beginning if somebody forgiving you is like the beginning of like stitching it up so that you can mend and start rebuilding the trust until you….you can stitch that that break or that wound up. It’s….there’s no way it’s going to start to heal and this is why so many people hold grudges for so long, in my opinion, this is all just my opinion, take it or leave it but one of the reasons that people hold grudges so long, is they never got the right apology in the right dialect to believe that the other person was even sorry and so until I can believe that you care, that you hurt me I can’t start forgiving you unless I am you know just like Om Shanti Shanti like actually, you know enlightened in a way where I can even forgive you when you don’t give a flying fuck and again you know maybe on a good day I can be like that but most human beings when they are hurt cannot achieve in their hurtness that Buddha like level of being able to say they’re you know to forgive somebody who isn’t actually sorry. And so this is now you know beautiful scenery here this is the dilemma that so many people have in their relationships and this is also the dilemma where you might actually truly be sorry but the other person can’t forgive you because you’re not your way of saying you’re sorry doesn’t land on them, they can’t understand it because it’s in the wrong language of apology.
It’s really beautiful out here and we got a little bit of respite from the rain. So that’s really what I wanted to share. The languages of apology I think are really important and useful. Please teach your friends and your kids these things especially parents like learning what your kids’ languages of apology are. It can be really useful in mending little-broken rifts of trust and…..and you knowing what your languages of apology are the ones that you leave with, how you say you’re sorry and then the dialects you need to be able to accept somebody’s apology these things are really useful and really important and can help you clean up little regrets and….and the hurts that people hold on to and I just think it’s useful and the…the main reason I’m talking about this was two days ago I actually I missed doing the Facebook live because I was at a friend’s….friend’s funeral and I just got caught up in the day. So this is my way of apologizing for missing my Facebook live ‘coz we were we’re doing them we were every day we had a Facebook live since like January 3rd at the beginning of the year. So I was so upset that I missed a….a day we missed our beautiful everyday streak and I ruined it. I ruined it all but I apologized and I’m making restitution and I’m generally going to change my behavior and whatever the other two languages of apology are.
So now that it’s starting to get windy, I’ll probably sign off. I hope you liked our little walk today by the by the river. Leave your comments, I’ll check the comments when I get….get home and try to reply to everything and share….share this video. If you want to do me a favor just click the share button and share it with a friend or a loved one that you think this would be useful information or share it on your page if you think this was useful. Encourage your friends to…I’m kind of at my friends limit on Facebook but they can follow me so that these videos come up on their page and then I haven’t quite figured out how you set your announcements or your notifications but if somebody wants to put a link in the comments as to how you can set your notifications because I know some of my friends and followers you get a little message on your phone when I start a video and…..and my phone doesn’t do that so I’m going to figure out what what’s not set on my phone because I’m not getting notifications but maybe that’s a good thing because sometimes too many notifications is distracting and disturbing. So take care of yourself. Make sure you’re getting the notifications that you want and that I’m not actually bugging you in a bad way.
That’s about it. I want to say thanks again for giving me excuses to go to go on walks and get outside every day away from my computer. We went down to the water there and had a beautiful little moment here at the end of the Oregon Coast and Wheeler, Oregon for the next couple of days then I’ll be in Portland for….for one night before I get on airplane and then next week and at the University of Tennessee teaching at their sex week. So if you’re….if you’re around in in Tennessee I’ll be in your neck of the woods soon and thank you for all the emoticons and also I’ll be Canada soon. If you’re going to be in Vancouver for Converge Con you can to http://www.convergecon.ca/ and I’ll be there as well.
Thank you, everybody. I’ll see you later. Check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/ and love you love you love you. Bye! Mwah!