What Do You Do If You Have Trouble Accepting Offers Of Sex… Even If You Want It?

by Reid on September 8, 2019

What Do You Do If You Have Trouble Accepting Offers Of Sex… Even If You Want It?

Cathy: What do you do if you have trouble accepting sex even if someone else initiates it and you really want it? I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/

Reid: Read that again

Cathy: What do you do if you have trouble accepting sex even if someone else offers or initiates it?

Reid: Thank you

Cathy: And you want it.

Reid: And you want it. You have trouble accepting sex

Cathy: Yeah, you have trouble saying yes, you feel scared and nervous and

Reid: even when you are a yes

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Okay

Cathy: You’re maybe a yes inside, you want to say yes but you’re like “Ahh” I mean they didn’t use that word “Ahh” but like they’re…they’re…they’re saying they have trouble accepting sex from people they’re connected with, they’re just like don’t know how to move forward, they don’t…they feel afraid.

Reid: Okay, well I would want to ask a bunch more questions about what…what’s the not…not even the block because again like within the self-help world, every…everything is a block and which means there’s a solution to the block.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And I don’t think that that’s like

Cathy: Well, the way they shared it sounds like I’m just interpreting and reading between the lines but it sounds almost like there’s a freeze response when someone initiates or offer sex and I think humans do like we…we often fight flight freeze, our primitive brain goes “Ahh, I don’t know what to do” and runs away or pulls away or reject something that feels scary. Maybe do you feel like you know how to take the next step? Do you feel like you’re you know sexual skills that a class, a video class or an in-person class could help with? What is the fear or block or resistance around saying yes, please?

Reid: Yeah, there’s some…it feels like there’s something else going on or

Cathy: Okay

Reid: not going on but like I’m like oh, there’s an opportunity here to have a really interesting answer to one, make somebody feel like they’re not broken

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Right? ‘Coz they’re in the sex geek world there’s a certain kind of like literacy that can make the illiterate feel broken

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and that’s not actually true like…like you’re not broken.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: So if you don’t have your words to say yes but you know you are a yes

Cathy: Could you just say “Hey, I’m feeling really nervous about this or I would I’m very interested and I’m feeling scared or I’m not trying to go forward or where do we start?”

Reid: Yeah I mean if…if you’re a yes then I mean again like this is just I wish you could talk to the person

Cathy: Ask a question, yeah. If this is you, leave more details below

Reid: Yeah, email us right

Cathy: if you feel comfortable, you can private message us or email

Reid: Yeah so…so not knowing this person and not knowing more of the situation, if you want to tell the other person, yes but you don’t know how to then can you….in a non-sexual situation show them this video

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and then be like “That’s me” and then come up with a clever, fun, playful solution so maybe when they check in with you, “May I start having sex with you now?” And you’re like…like one thumb means slow down, two thumbs mean to keep going.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: That means halt but like can you come up with a way to communicate and then what do you know about yourself that allows you to feel comfortable proceeding?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And this is all based on the fact that your yes is…is accurate like you know yourself well enough to know like “Yes I would like to have sex.”

Cathy: I can…I can relate to this because there are times when I’ve been a…a hell yes with a person but if I’m not already turned on a little bit, all my awkwardness and shyness comes up and I’m just like “Ah” and I will sometimes sabotage the situation. Some

Reid: So like if you cuddled for and made out

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: for 15 minutes that would help

Cathy: Oh my god

Reid: melt that?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Okay

Cathy: Totally. So if I’m if I’m feeling physically like more touch, more little turn-on, absolutely help and I’ve had that when lovers come over I’m like “I am not feeling it right now. I know I want to have sex with you but I’m not feeling it. Can we cuddle for 10 or 15 minutes?” And that often

Reid: So like the foreplay to get to the foreplay?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Okay

Cathy: Yeah, so I’m wondering like if that’s something if someone initiates, say would it help to say “Hey, I might work…my body is a yes, my brain is feeling a little bit nervous. Can we cuddle and like talk about what am I like be might be like or talk about boundaries or have a safe safer sex conversation while we’re cuddling?”

Reid: Well, I mean I’m kind of assuming and this is maybe this is my bad that…that when it’s not the actual it’s about to happen situation, they could have all of these negotiations and conversations ahead of time but it’s the…it’s happening and I don’t know how to

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: to give a thumbs up, right?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And so if you’re with somebody who’s savvy, they’re going to read rightfully so I think your hesitation as “I shouldn’t proceed”

Cathy: Right versus like

Reid: Your inability to communicate a yes clearly as I shouldn’t proceed, right? So

Cathy: which it may not be because I know like some of us some people I hang out with, they’re very much like “I want to have sex, let’s do it now” and I’m like “I need to cuddle like I need to kind of get in the water slowly. I don’t want to just dive into the deep end.” And there are some people are like “Okay pants down let’s go” and I think people…it’s okay I used to think I was broken because all my friends were like “Yeah, let’s go for it” and I’m like “I need some sweet-talked first.” So no…maybe looking at what you need and asking for that if someone initiates it’s like “Yeah but I need to I need this for straining you know I would be… I’ll have a lot better time if I do this first.”

Reid: Yeah that’s not what…that’s I mean again, it’s, it’s, it’s a, it’s a short chair but it feels to me like they’re asking for something else, it’s like “How do I find my words

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: when I already know I’m a yes?”  and this is where I would ask more questions but at the same time like what…what can you communicate or install in the…the relationship when you’re not having sex

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: for when to deal with this very particular situation

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And without more information, it’s hard to give more advice specific but yeah, what do you all think?

Cathy: Yeah and if this was you, please leave us more information. We’re glad to try to help. Leave comments below. Thanks!

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