What Are Shame Hangovers and How Do You Deal One? | Facebook Walk With Reid
Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ broadcasting live from Intimacy Fest. I’m going to try to be as kind as I can and intentional because I’m actually nude right now. But we have baby goats here today. Hi guys! Hi. Say hi to Facebook. Hi.
Intimacy Fest is kind enough to have some baby goats for us to play with later today. So, if just getting your baby goat fix and I also promised that I would Facebook live from the pool today. So as you’re signing on and saying hi to the baby goats, where are you signing in from? Where are you watching from today? Hi guys. It’s so nice to meet you.
We’re talking about shame hangovers today. Yeah, we had a play party last night at Intimacy Fest and then this morning is we’re doing a check-in. What we were talking about was what people were feeling having explored potential edges around sexuality and intimacy and connecting. For those of you who don’t know, a play party is what the kids are calling orgies these days but it’s also for me it’s a situation where we have a big welcome circle, big check-in and we go over the rules, we have a bunch of communication exercises and the….and then we open up the evening, we have a safer sex conversation and then we open up the evening for people to explore and to play in whatever adult ways or non…even non-sexual ways that they want. And so one of the things that people go through and this isn’t just for sex and….and play parties, this can be like for going to a retreat and having an ecstatic experience and now this is me trying to not show my nudity. People have… say goodbye to the goats. We’ll come back later maybe or tomorrow or I guess the goats aren’t here tomorrow. But when people have ecstatic experiences
Michael: Reid, let’s go in the [Inaudible 00:02:04].
Reid: I…I will. I’ll….I’ll do it afterward.
Michael: Alright.
Reid: Thanks, Michael. The…what happens when people have ecstatic experience is you know even if it’s like your first kirtan or your first yoga retreat or maybe you go do you know some sort of healing modality when you have a big epiphany, the next day for some people… ah, cold. Hoh! For some people, they end up having basically kind of like an endorphin hangover and also kind of like I guess buyers buyer’s remorse where you may be pushed your edges, tried something new and then the next morning you have a lot of worries or concerns or second thoughts about your experience like “So, I really have tried that thing last night.” And what’s interesting in…in being a nerd around sex and relationships is the idea that like going to a kirtan and singing your heart out enchanting you know “Oh, shanti….shanti” there isn’t a lot of cultural shame around that. So most people don’t have a shame hangover the next day. You might just have an endorphin drop and feel sad or feel quiet. We could show up like a lot of different things for people, right? It’s more of like you need to integrate, you need time to process and to integrate and some of that is I think you know not being an endorphin research scientist but I think a lot of that for some people is you know this…basically this crash, this hangover from having a lot of blood chemistry, a lot of endorphins and oxytocin that’s happening in your system.
And…and I’m going to swim over here. This is the…this is the waterslide that I came down lying on my belly on the first day and I….I cracked my head open. Not cracked it but I just you know hit my head over there and like a moron and the….and then just split my skin open. So I’m going to have a nice little Harry Potter scar for everybody from now on which I’m not…not ecstatic about but I’ll deal with. That was my…my bad. But with….with sexuality, with exploring sexual edges, what happens is there is a lot of cultural baggage and shame and so then people will sometimes wake up in the next morning and not only are they wrestling with their endorphin drop but they’re having all these thoughts you know about if “am I a good person; am I okay; is what I did last night or explored last night was that good for me?” And it was something that we talked about this morning and I just wanted to…to oops! You can see my butt. I guess I can show a butt on Facebook. I can try. Here we go. So again, hit some hit some emoticons if you like that.
Yeah, so we just talked about that that hangover effect and normalized it like talked about that that is a normal thing and then if you’re in your head the next morning after trying something new especially if you liked it, it’s okay to feel bad about it like that’s kind of normal and…and that you’re not a bad person because you think you might be a bad person. A lot of us get caught up in our hamster wheels of death where those hamster wheels are just running and spinning and squeaking and we’re kind of kicking our own asses and when you also combine that with an endorphin drop, that shame hangover can be really…really difficult for some people if you if you’re not used to it like I know I that that happens to me so I kind of expect it or if I forget about it when it comes and starts happening, I remember what’s happening and I can have a lot more grace and….and gratitude and compassion for myself and I could also hold space from my friends and my lovers who might be going through that same thing and then I can offer reassurance that they’re not a bad person or I can I can ask for reassurance and I can reassure myself.
So that was….that was really it. I don’t know that I need to make this video super…super long today especially on a weekend and…and I just wanted to let you know that if you ever feel bad like you’re a bad person, shame is the idea that you are somehow a bad person. Guilt is the idea that you’ve done something wrong. And I think exploring sexuality and consensual ways and you know going at whatever speed works for you, I think people when in doubt should go more slowly than…than speedy around exploring things. Give yourself permission to change your mind, give yourself permission to slow things down, give yourself permission to say stop or pause. These things are vital I think for exploring sexuality and you also have like your…your God-given right, your birthright is that you are allowed to like the things you like and not like the things you don’t like. So if you try something new and explore it, let’s say you’ve always wanted to have a threesome and you’ve had a threesome and you….you’re like “huh, like I don’t think I like them.” I think that that’s great. You tried something new and….and you had information about stuff that you don’t like…like that is a win-win to you. You’re not unevolved or broken because you do not like every crayon in the crayon box of sex and you are not unevolved or broken because you have a shame hangover the next morning.
So I just wanted to reinforce that and broadcasting from the pool here at Intimacy Fest and….and I hope you enjoyed the baby goats. This is Reid Mihalko signing off until tomorrow. Mwah! Bye, everyone. Leave your comments and I’ll check your comments later and I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are and….and don’t go down water slides face-first like I did. Remember, it’s cautionary tale. Bye!
Oh, yeah and if you want information about play parties, you can go to https://reidaboutsex.com/playparties and and that’ll give you a sign-up list for some resources not to mention that. Alright, now I’m really going. Bye. Wait, I’m going to give you one more little butt shot. Boop-boop there you go. That’s all. Chao!