If You’re Poly And You’re Dating, How Do You Let People Know You’re Not “Out?”
Cathy: If you’re poly and you’re dating, are there good ways to make sure that people you’re dating are aware that you’re not coming out because of work or kids?
Reid: I really thought you’d say “If you’re poly and dating clap your hands” (claps his hands). This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/.
Cathy: And this is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/…
Reid: What was the question?
Cathy: ..in his tux because the airline lost his luggage.
Reid: Yes, the airline lost my luggage this morning so, give me the excuse to wear the tux.
Cathy: It’s great. I think you should start on doing a little bit on each video.
Reid: Maybe.
Cathy: Better we get them to watch. Leave comments if that’s true. So, someone wrote and said they’re poly and they’re dating and they’re not clapping their hands that we know of. Maybe. But they’d like to make it clear that the people are dating and their friends around them, they’re not coming out as poly, in general, because they have, because of work and kids.
Reid: Job and kids, something like that.
Cathy: Yeah. So, how is the good way to do that? Because there are some people who will judge you. You know, like, why are you not out? Come on!
Reid: Yeah. If somebody’s like shaming you for not being out because you have valid or even not valid like I would respectfully say, “Hey, you know, we can all set our privacy needs where we need them to. I’m glad that you’re out and I have my reasons and you know, which I’m not going to tell you because they are my private reasons or you can share with them, it’s appropriate, for why I’m not choosing to be out right now. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t shame me about that or you know, you just gave me some room to do my thing.” And then the worst case scenario, tell them “Reid Mihalko said suck it”. Because I think that’s just mean and when I first started being poly, I was very anti monogamy because I felt so insecure like people could take my poly away so they kind of bash. So, not to make excuses, but I think some people are like, you know, bash people who are in the closet about stuff because, you know, they feel insecure and they, I do have some friends who are very ‘activisty’ who are like everybody.. the more people that are out, the better because it normalizes things and you still get to have a privacy.
Cathy: Well, and I think, I went through this when I first found out that kissing women was delightful and was like…
Reid: You kissed the girl and you liked it?
Cathy: I did, many years ago.
Reid: I wonder we relate each other.
Cathy: It took so much courage to share it with somebody and I had to marshal all my forces to kind of tell somebody. And as I start coming out, I was like, when someone else wasn’t aligned with that because I was having to break through so many fears in myself. And I’m sure I did shame some other people and I certainly felt ashamed of myself at times that we’re not more out. I think it’s just part of the process of being awkward and it’s better if we cannot, like, we’re in like growth process we’re going to be awkward sometimes and we can try to be more aware and not shame people.
Reid: Yeah. And also, around privacy settings, sometimes, not being out or open about something is the smart choice. You know, for my friends who do sex work or write, you know, erotic novels and have kids like they have a pen name you know or a pseud name for a reason and for them it’s very grounded in listen like you know, somebody questions them and like, “Oh, well here is my situation and of course I’m going to protect my kids from other kids being mean coz they don’t understand that their mom or their dad writes erotica or does x,y and z.
Cathy: Right. And then some states being poly, you might lose the kids.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: So, for me personally, I’d like to be really direct if I’m not out about something coz there’s things like I have this YouTube video and anyone can watch it but I don’t necessarily share a work like I’m not walking around going “Have you watched my latest video about butt sex?”
Reid: “Hey everybody! Hey corporate America!”
Cathy: So, again, some of them may be watching this and it’s a great place to work. But, like, it’s okay to have privacy. I like it when people remind me why if they feel comfortable sharing. So, someone tells me they’re not open about being poly or writing erotica, it may not stick as clearly as if they are comfortable sharing..
Reid: Ohh..
Cathy: Like, hey…
Reid: You’re training everybody not to share “your posts” on their social feeds.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: Like, you’re training people why you need to stay under the radar.
Cathy: Right. Yeah. And I, these, please share all of these if they find it as great. But I think for some people they can tell me when they’re comfortable like, “Hey, I have kids. I’m in the middle of a divorce. I want to make sure to be careful about not sharing this”. It anchors at more for me and it helps me, it’s rather than I’m just not sharing…
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: Like, yes, I have very much respect for people and I’ve met hundreds of people and I’m like, “Oh, which one was that?”
Reid: Yeah. So, you’re sharing in the communities that you’re dipping your toe into as you dip your toes in and meet people, “Hey, just so you know, I’m exploring polyamory or I know that I’m polyamorous and I have a job or you know, a situation with my family where I need to kind of keep this under the radar. Could you please be mindful of that?” And then, that’s you know, a lot of people in the kink and poly scenes and swinger scenes understand that situation and then you’re training the community how to behave with that.
Cathy: And I think poly is getting, in some areas the country is getting a lot more acceptable so some people may not understand like “Why are you not out being poly?” It’s okay to be not out about whatever it is. You get to have your privacy and you get to share what is important to you, too.
Reid: And, last but not the least, if somebody asks you something and it’s none of their business, you can kindly and gently just say, “Thank you for asking that and you know, it’s none of your business so I’m not going to answer that question.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: “But, how are you doing?” And I think there’s a way to really be like that. It’s okay.
Cathy: You can always use Reid’s Difficult Conversation Formula http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/ and say, “Hey, I’m really afraid you’ll shame me or think loss of me. What I really like to have happened is to know either remember and know that I have some needs around this.
Reid: And what I have to tell you is, “That’s not your business.”
Cathy: Or I’m not out about being poly. So…
Reid: Check out, http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/ for Difficult Conversation stuff. Awesome! Leave comments.