Building Connection with Somebody For Them to Not Feel Awkward
Reid: How do you build relatedness, how do you build connection enough if you want to hit somebody so that they don’t get awkward? This is Cathy Vartuli from http://TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: Reid Mihalko from http://ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: And, go Cathy. What are your thoughts on it? I have answers that I believe in but I’m really curious about you.
Cathy: Well, I also want to talk about timely a little bit what we introduce but for me building relatedness is about being present with the person where they are, being present with myself and not trying to exist in thoughts I have or fantasies about how it might go or what I want to have happened. It’s really easy we’re kind of conditioned to do that like I have this fantasy, we’re going to the beach, we’re going to hold hands and he’s going to say just the right things or she’s going to do just the right things at the right time. We’re trying to script often what we want other people do or be so that we can get the experience we think we might want to have rather than being present with the person who’s with us. So, building relatedness for me is a lot about being present in our own body and with the other person and discovering who they are. So, to me that’s a lot about relatedness.
Reid: I think that’s great.
Cathy: Okay, my question and we argued on the other video about this is how do you know when to bring up the topic like if you feel like you’re related and you’re having a good relationship and you like to be sexual with the person. How do you know when to do that?
Reid: 2 minutes and 32 seconds in.
Cathy: No, that’s not what I mean.
Reid: Exactly! That’s never the thing. When it’s in your head and it’s really loud, it’s a signal probably to tell the other person. Folks who can notice people they’re distracted, people who are just sensitive or energetically aware or whatever you believe in, right? Like huh, what’s going on to that person over there? If you’re nervous like it’s your first date and you’re nervous, tell people you’re nervous. Like, wow, I’m really nervous. And the other person’s like, I thought I was picking up something to that effect. And then what you’re doing when you’re sharing things vulnerably and you’re sharing the truth, you’re actually setting up a situation where the person is, it’s congruent. Like, what you’re sharing is actually what’s going on to you. That’s a way to, very subtle way but powerful, a way to build trust. If on a first date I’m telling you the truth, maybe you can trust me later.
Cathy: I saw what you’re doing when you share like in the other video we were talking about an experience my friend and I had where somebody’s assuming that we would be sexually available to him.
Reid: Again, like, the things that are interesting about that is you made the assumption that they made the assumption.
Cathy: There were words indicated that that’s what they were thinking to me.
Reid: Okay. And that have you not be present with that person?
Cathy: After that point the way it was presented it was just very, it felt very creepy.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: But what you’re doing instead of saying I’m noticing that I’m wondering if we’re going in that direction or not and I love your feedback.
Reid: Or, I would like to go in that direction and the reason I walked up to you to talk to you is I actually am attracted to you and I would like to hit on you but you don’t know me yet. So, I just need to tell you what my agenda is.
Cathy: But you’re assuring about you and not assuming about the other person.
Reid: Exactly. So, this other person in the assumption, if I’m going to critic what they did not having been in that situation, is that they didn’t have enough relatedness.
Cathy: Correct.
Reid: And didn’t establish enough connection and trust with you, too to being able to check in. So from that perspective what would have been a better way for them to have approached you two for the sex? If you are like going to play the game tape and be like, okay Bob, so here’s what you want it wrong and this is what you should have done.
Cathy: I’m actually incredibly picky about who I sleep with.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Like, I have a very slight kind of energy that my body likes so this person doesn’t fit that anyway. But if they had, at least asked, I still feel it would have been uncomfortable because there was really wasn’t, we hadn’t had that level of connection at all. There had been no touch we weren’t flirting we were just having a technical discussion about something and out of nowhere this came.
Reid: You’re very smart and you wrangle technical well. They could have been turned on by smart people who can handle complex situations and be eloquent, you know.
Cathy: I think also, one of the reasons why we were both uncomfortable was because we didn’t feel like it was going to be okay with our rejection.
Reid: Oh, okay.
Cathy: So there was a lot of one there was the assumption of we were available sexually all for just him having for him to negotiate and two it felt like he really needed us to be a yes for us to be, for him to be.. which I think you do really well.
Reid: Perfect! Okay, next video coz that’s 5 minutes already. Time flies when you are talking about this kind of stuff. Video #3, we’re coming back for that thing that you have just said.
Cathy. Yes.
Reid: Leave comments. Okay? Come back to video 3, too. Bye.