Are Boundaries Permanent?
If someone declares a boundary, is it forever? How do you know? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Reid: So we just set a video and we’re talking about what do you do when somebody’s boundary change and they didn’t tell you. And a year later you were like, what I’ve been walking on eggshells for a year? And that thing was not true for you? My name is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: This is the video 2 coz I want dive a little bit different to this. So the piece that came up in the last video was it’s frustrating when somebody does that.
Cathy: Or you might be going to extra effort and kind of steering around something.
Reid: Yes. And yes that is frustrating and generally speaking, you will have frustration in your life from the people that you surround yourself with because we are humans and that is life. And we will be in situations where we say impractically never do this to me ever again. And you’re like, noted. I worked very hard to never do that thing to you again.
Cathy: And it can take a lot of brain power and emotionally…
Reid: Exactly. Now for me what I realizes, people declare things all time based on moods and situations that are not permanent.
Cathy: But we teach content so we have to respect boundaries.
Reid: So checked in. Be like, hey that boundary thing that you’re empathic about 6 months ago, I’m noticing that I spend a lot of brain power on navigating which is how you know. When you notice the extra effort that you put in to certain things coz you’re walking in eggshells especially those of us that grow up in households when you walked on eggshells you know who you are. We are bread twins. Just pay attention to what you pay attention all the time that creates your idea of frustration.
Cathy: Right, but when you asked them some people will say you’re questioning my no, you’re questioning my boundary.
Reid: No, just… They might.
Cathy: And that something were taught not to do.
Reid: You can be like hey I just need to check in these particular areas are those situation still true for you. I think you can do it in way that is respectful as a check in and then if that person continues sot get pissy you about it then it’s like that’s a thing. The land mine in your front yard is actually growing bigger and land mines aren’t supposed to grow bigger that’s supposed to kinda stay the same and stay in the same place so you can avoid them and some people will have them. And in the last video we have an example that I have a thing around dogs so I just need you to always make sure that your dogs is in his pen. Like that’s a reasonable thing not to say that other things are unreasonable but how it’s going on with them and their needs up fit for you and your life. Is it a good fit or a bad fit?
Cathy: Well most aren’t a perfect fit around in everything. It just doesn’t often happen and the only time we feel about it is during new relationship energy were everything is dreamy.
Reid: Coz you’re high we talked about the chemistry of falling in live in other videos. So again, for me as a pragmatist now we just back to “oh, is it acceptable to you or not? Or are you developing a boundary around that? I just think you should really be putting in the work in to surrounding yourself with people for who do not have to walk in eggshells around. And again you might have to cut loose some of your friends and loved ones.
Cathy: Or not do like the analogies of other videos someone has a trigger in a movie of being touched and they don’t want to be touched. Don’t go to the movies with them.
Reid: Or if you’re clever go to the movies with them with a friend and have your friends sit in between you two. Boom! Fixed. Now, not your friend’s problem of course.
Cathy: So your solution is pass the problem.
Reid: Pass the buck everybody that’s great relationship advice.
Cathy: We hope this help. Please leave comments below. Let us know what you think. Try to be gentle.
Reid: What movie you’re going to see tonight?