What do you do if someone flirts with your boyfriend, then says bad things about you behind your back?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: We had a writer write in.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: We love it when you write in.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Because it gives us things to shoot videos about because you do not want us to just sit here without anything to do. Idle hands and a video camera.
Cathy: Not good.
Reid: The middle of the email was about this situation where somebody was flirting with their boyfriend and the boyfriend was flirting back and then this person was just amazingly trying to be gracious and like, “Look at these amazing people just being playful and yada, yada, yeah.” Then through the grapevine they heard back that that woman was telling…
Cathy: Gossiping about it.
Reid: Gossiping that he is not … They are not a suitable pair. This person has been known to be a mating ritual cockatoo in social situations. This person was really disgraced and upset to hear back through her friends that this was being said about them. This is a video about gossip.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Dot com Then this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Here’s my thing. Say it with me ladies and gentlemen, haters —
Cathy: Haters…
Reid: — are going to hate.
Cathy: …are going to hate.
Reid: Say it again, haters —
Cathy: Haters…
Reid: — are going to hate.
Cathy: … are going to hate.
Reid: Say it loud. Haters are going to hate.
Cathy: Haters are going to hate.
Reid: Look what we have here.
Cathy: Yeah, yeah she said that she’d been able to appreciate and connect with the joy of people connecting before.
Reid: The person who write in, but the person who was doing the gossiping was being the hater. You’re awesome for trying to be generous and compassionate and oh, look they’re just having flirty flirty. Try not to let the hater BS get to you, which can be tough in a lot of social situations, right. When everything’s woven interwoven.
I’m a little bit unconventional on how I like to handle my haters.
Cathy: Yeah, you’re pretty amazing about it.
Reid: Well, it’s sweet … Well, I think it’s sweet.
Cathy: He retweets them and stuff.
Reid: I like to go when I can to my haters and say, “Hey. Hi, how you doing?”
Cathy: Hey.
Reid: I heard that you have an opinion that my boyfriend and I shouldn’t be together. I was just really because I like information and I’m curious about your opinion, because obviously you have strong opinions. Could you tell me more about that?
Cathy: Wow. That’s a really good question. If I had been … If I had felt very in integrity with what I shared I could probably say, “Yeah, I really don’t think you guys are a good fit,” but if I’ve been gossiping and know that I was not being nice I would feel really oh …
Reid: Not everybody can do that. I’m an extrovert, I’m a 200 [inaudible 00:03:16] pound large person who’s down here used to be up here when I was lifting weights. I can go up to people and be like, “So, what’s up with that thing I’m hearing?” I’m also known as a community leader in my community so I have status too to go up and talk to people. I try to … with great power comes great responsibility, use it for good never for evil that kind of stuff. I like to go call people out in a fun way about what I heard.
Where this is interesting, and this might not be your style but I’ll share this as an interesting piece, that is now my reputation in those communities. It limits people’s gossip in some ways because they know I might come up and ask them about the thing. I am really curious. I’m like, “What’s the thing?” Because sometimes something’s going on that I don’t see or that I don’t know about. I can get useful information and that’s just my style but also people know that if I hear that they’re talking about me, I will often come and talk to them.
I guess if you want me to come say hi to you, come gossip about me and maybe I’ll call you on it. That’s a really unique situation. In this situation I think where the challenge is most people what they do is they heard from a friend so they tell the friend, hoping that it gets back down through the grapevine. We all played that game in fourth, fifth, seventh grade, kindergarten.
Cathy: Pass the note, yeah.
Reid: The pass the note game or the telephone game where you say one thing and then by the time it gets around the circle —
Cathy: It could be totally different.
Reid: It’s a whole other thing. The other reason why I go to people directly —
Cathy: Because you get the straight story.
Reid: — is sometimes what I heard was not actually what they said. Then we get clear on it. Sometimes I call people on it and they lie their asses off because they don’t want to cop to it, but then they know I will come to them. I do, I really do try to be exciting and like, “Hey, I heard this thing.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: “You think I’m an asshole.”
Cathy: Tell me more.
Reid: Tell me more. Sometimes I am an asshole so it’s maybe you’re accurate. I come at it with this kind of I take the power out of it by stepping up and using my words, which changes the dynamic of the situation. Again, this might not be advice for you, we don’t know you, and using gossip to communicate back and forth and try to get seen and heard is just horrible. Do the math, it rarely works.
Cathy: Well, I also heard it sounded like this person was really used to being able to feel really good, to access generosity and joy for the other person and have that connection be really solid. I’m so glad it worked for you and it sounded like it startled you when it didn’t work. It’s sad when someone is in a mode of scarcity where they can’t feel the appreciation coming at them. It may be that they’re feeling that love is scarce and she has to grab a hold of the hot guy or push you away. If you can realize it’s about them, not about you, which is not easy. If I can I’m like, “Oh, that person is feeling scarcity. It’s really not about my relationship with my partner, it’s about their feelings about how available love is.” That can make it a little easier and might help your brain go, “Okay. That skill that I’ve been counting on works most of the time. It’s an amazing skill and I can keep it.”
Reid: Yeah. Let us know what your comments are, all of you. Again, thanks for leaving comments and giving us stuff to talk about. You guys leave amazing questions and you’re very thoughtful and we think you’re awesome.
Cathy: Yeah.