When we’re talking about issues of libido, we have to ask ourselves, if there’ve been any recent changes in ourselves, your lovers’ lives that could be the cause of the decreased libido. The second thing to start looking at, then, is there something that’s going on between you two relationship wise that you don’t have matching libidos?
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they talk about how to get your needs met when you have a higher sex drive than your partner.
Cathy: How do you get your needs met when you have a higher sex drive than your partner?
Reid: I was going to be all silly. I’m like, “Whoa. We’re talking about sex drives.”
Cathy: Yeah, so you’re not going to be silly?
Reid: Tell me more, Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: Especially people that are in monogamous relationships, but even people that are in poly relationships can run into this where one person has a higher sex drive. If you have a higher sex drive, how do you get your needs met?
Reid: Okay. I’m going to give you the quick … This is, “Read Sex Drive 101.” First things first: Is anybody on any medication? Did they just lose a job? Something really stressful going on at work? Did you just have kids? Look at first, when you’re talking about issues of libido, if there’ve been any recent changes in yourself, your lovers’ lives that could be the cause of the decreased libido.
The second thing to start looking at, then, is there something that’s going on between us relationship wise that we don’t have matching libidos. This is all predicated on, at some point, you had matching libidos, maybe …
Cathy: … Because that’s not always the case.
Reid: … You’ve always never had. Yeah, but you’re basically … You’re playing detective, right? You’re looking at big changes in personal life, then changes in the relationship. Usually somebody screwed up and is lying about something. Like, “I forgot to pay the taxes,” or “I got another parking ticket.”
Whatever it is, right? It can be super stupid or not a big deal to you, but to them, it means the world, and they’re lying or they’re afraid to come forth, and it’s really hard to look somebody in the eyes and make love to them unless lying is your fetish or something like that.
It could be a relationship thing. It could also be that you guys have been together for a long time, and you’re in this interesting scenario of long-term relationships that Esther Perel, who wrote a great book called “Mating in Captivity,” where she talks about the brain chemistry of love has started to wane, and you guys are in the secure phase of your relationship, and the secure phase isn’t erotic. For one of you, that hits a lot harder, and there’s a drop in libido.
Those are the main places I would look at first. Once you look at that and play detective, the other interesting place to look at is, there are some people that are extroverts or more extroverted, and some people that are introverts and more introverted. The kinds of stimulation that you both enjoy may be sufficiently different, and that also shows up in bed.
This is a swinger thing. When I talk about swingers, there are such things as introverted swingers. They like non monogamy but not the same way as the extroverted swinger, who’s like, “Oh, my God. Let’s go to the swing party. Let’s go do this. Let’s go do that,” and the stimulation and the extroversion, especially around a non-monogamous couple with a non-monogamous extrovert, that looks like libido is higher because they want to go party, and they just happen to party with sex.
The introverted swinger starts to become more shamed because they don’t want to go to the parties every weekend or once a month. Not that you guys have to be swingers to figure this out, but look at extroversion and introversion as one of the areas where you guys may not be a good fit, and the other person’s more extroverted, sexually speaking, and it gets labeled as high libido, and the person that’s quieter, and there’s a great book, “Quiet,” that’s out, too, about introversion and extroversion.
Because you’re shyer or quieter or more introverted about your sex, it gets labeled as low libido. Realize the national average for sex per times a week for most couples is like below two, so if you’re having sex twice a week, you’re getting more sex than a lot of people.
Cathy: That doesn’t mean that you feel satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having. Another thing you can do is identify what you need, for the person with the higher libido. Identify what you need to feel satisfied. It may not be that you need to have intercourse with your partner. It might be that your partner holds you while you masturbate or you watch a soft porn movie together while you masturbate, or there can be other ways to get the pleasure and the satisfaction you need.
You can also talk to your partner and identify things that might be reducing the libido. If, to use an example, she is feeling stressed and tired, and if you’re willing to do the dishes after dinner so she can have 20 minutes by herself, and that will increase her chances of wanting to be more connected.
Reid: Especially if that person’s an introvert because their alone time is more precious to them recharging.
Cathy: Yeah, so talking and identifying, trying different things. It doesn’t have to be the right thing the first time, but are you willing to wash the dishes for a week just to see if that helps with the attention of your partner doing what she can to recharge and be in the space where she might want to do that.
Reid: Last but not least, you can also look at the differences between sensuality and eroticism. Are you guys getting the kind of touch, the kinds of activities that feel good to you, senses wise, and are you engaging in things or creating things in your love life that are a turn on for your brain?
There are a lot of people that are just always turned on in their brain. It’s like Fifty Shades of Gray or whatever, and they just can’t stop thinking about sex because mental masturbation to them is their turn on, and if you’re dating somebody who’s more of a sensualist, and they need the right kinds of touch, if you guys can figure out the kinds of touch that are a turn on, often there might be a bump in libido.
Your mileage may vary. We threw a lot at you, so watch the video a couple of times and leave comments below about what you think and how you identify and what you think would work for you.
Cathy: Yeah. Congratulations on finding out new information and making a difference in your relationship.
Reid: Bye.