Our culture doesn’t talk about sex and relationships much. Yes, there’s tons of gossip! But trash-talking about So-and-So’s celebrity sexcapades isn’t the same as authentic sharing of questions, concerns, personal challenges and creative solutions and ideas…
If you had car problems, you’d have no problem asking your co-workers or your family for their thoughts. You could easily describe what’s going on with the car (even if it’s no more than, “It makes a weird bumping noise every time I turn left, and I smell something burning…”). And, if you hear someone sharing a problem about their car, most of us wouldn’t think twice about recommending our favorite mechanic, sharing the simple solution we discovered when something similar happened to us, or just commiserating with them so they don’t feel alone.
Similarly, we don’t flinch when someone needs a plumber, a dentist, or a babysitter. But folks DO flinch, hesitate, and grow silent when the topic shifts to sex and intimacy challenges.
We’ve been taught that it’s impolite to bring up such matters, that we’re supposed to do everything within our control to avoid hurting others’ feelings, and that we’re not to stick our noses where they don’t belong (no pun intended, I swear!)… Thus, when it comes to the ins and outs of sex (pun definitely intended on that one!), we pretend everyone (including ourselves) has it all together.
No wonder there’s so much confusion, doubt, and misinformation around love and physical intimacy!!
Our culture’s approach of NOT talking about relationship troubles creates A LOT of pain and isolation! And when we do give ourselves to talk, it’s often when things are too far gone… We end up going to a couples’ therapist after the horrific, relationship melt down, rather than seek preemptive help (e.g., regular visits to your auto-mechanic for a tuneup BEFORE things go kaplewy…). Could you imagine telling your co-worker that your body made a weird grinding sound when you made love? Or that something smelled funny when you had sex? Oh, heaven’s to Murgatroid! Most of us could never!
We learn from other people’s questions and experiences. The kissing cousin to “monkey see, monkey do” is “monkey hear, monkey learn!” We hear our problems from a new perspective, and see solutions and possibilities we never saw before when we engaging in honest dialogue and inquiry. And when someone has an A-ha moment, we can go along for the ride and breakthrough to a new way of connecting and being.
When we’re part of a group who’s sharing all kinds of ideas and approaches, we can pick and choose the ones that feel right for us. And, during the course of all that discourse, we often find access to solutions, tips and insights that we’d never have stumbled upon reinventing the wheel, A-ha moments for ourselves that end up transforming our love lives forever!
Where can you expand your perspective and insights?