What do you do if people who previously rejected you start coming back around when you make changes? What do you do?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: One of our amazing Sex Geeky viewers wrote in that they have recently been working and improving … and kicking ass in a particular area of their business and they’ve also been losing some weight. And they’re receiving a lot of attention now from people who previously did not give them the time of day.
People whom she had asked out and they had said, “No way.”
Now that she’s kicking ass and lost a little weight, they are all up in her business. She’s feeling a little bit angry and offended and wants to know what are advices for this situation.
I am Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy, what’s your advice?
Cathy: I would recommend talking to the people that … and letting them know what you feel because there are people that will do that. They might not even realize they’re doing it.
There may be something else going on. Maybe they had a different reason for saying no earlier. Maybe their mama just died and they needed some time off from dating but they didn’t mean to bring that up at that time.
Reid: They could be newly single or whatever.
Cathy: So it could be that’s what actually what’s happening and it could be something else. If it’s making you angry and it’s effecting the connection, it’s important to talk about it.
Reid: With whom?
Cathy: With the person that’s doing it.
Reid: Okay, you can talk to us but we’re just video.
Cathy: Saying, “Hey, you asked me out and I just want to check in about something. I asked you out six months ago and you said no. What’s changed?”
Reid: The thing I would do is have a frank conversation with them and say, “Hey this is what’s going on. I had asked you out so-and-so and you said no. Now that I’ve lost some weight, I’m wondering what’s up now and I’m feeling a little bit offended.”
And understand that the other thing that’s happening too is you may not just be angry at them but whenever we make gains in a culturally approved way, like most of culture is telling us that we’re not thin enough, so any time we lose weight and get more attention … and we do want to have attention … some of that anger might also be cultural bullshit anger.
The other that would be really useful and help you be a little more empathetic and compassionate is call yourself on the times that you’ve done that.
Cathy: That’s a really good point.
Reid: Where there was somebody that you weren’t really attracted to, maybe they lost some weight or maybe they got a great job, and then all of a sudden they’re more attractive. Take a look at yourself. Is it because they’re feeling more confident? What was the flip for you?
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, we’re humans and being shallow and whatnot isn’t always…an attraction and desire isn’t always PC.
But check-in with yourself first as well. I think it’s just really useful because then you’re a little bit more empathetic when you sit down and have this conversation with them.
I think you really should have a conversation because if you’re going to date them or whatnot-
Cathy: Or even just be around them.
Reid: Being real with them gives you guys an opportunity to connect and be vulnerable in a way that wasn’t there before. And who knows, they might impress you with the conversation and be like, “Oh my goodness. Yeah, now that you’re thinner I’m more attracted to you and that’s kind of shitty but I mean … do you want to go get coffee?”
Then when you guys have that real conversation, something else might actually be there that can blossom … or not.
Cathy: We all want to be loved and seen. I love fairy tales where the hidden gem is discovered. Like someone walking by says, “Oh, you.” Even though you didn’t express yourself.
It’s possible too that you’re expressing yourself differently and that’s attracting them. I have experienced that where someone who was really shy and I didn’t know who they were, suddenly got some more confidence, started sharing themselves and they were much more attractive because I could see who they were. It wasn’t so much that they had changed physically, it just they were expressing themselves differently.
So it could be … we all want to be seen and loved for wherever we’re at and people may be just seeing the real you now in a different way.
Reid: That’s even more the reason to sit down with them and have a real conversation so you can reveal the other real parts about you which gives them permission to share back. That is the beginning of maybe a healthy relationship.
Who knows, your mileage may vary.
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