If you’re in the mood to be really intimate, connected with your partner, not necessarily sexual, but just connected, present, and your partner’s not in the mood, how can you start a conversation maybe to invite them to step into it with you?
Hear what relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com have to say about this.
Cathy: If you’re in the mood to be really intimate, connected with your partner, not necessarily sexual, but just connected, present, and your partner’s not in the mood, how can you start a conversation maybe to invite them to step into it with you?
Reid: To get connected?
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: Trick them. Bribe them.
Cathy: That could work.
Reid: Chocolate. Get them drunk.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Do none of those things, except for the chocolate. That totally works.
Cathy: Chocolate works.
Cathy: It can be frustrating if you’re in the mood to have a really gentle, sweet connection and your partner is kind of either frantic, or busy, or distracted. I have a thing if someone gets on their computer and we said we were going to talk and they are texting or typing. I’m just like ah. What are some suggestions you have for a way to approach them that they’ll feel seen and heard and have the option to come in and connect with you?
Reid: The main one is to ask them if this is a good time. Because sometimes we rush in not knowing what’s actually going on for them. Some people are good at shifting gears really quickly, some people aren’t. Some people are waiting for a phone call to come in, or a text, because they’re doing something. There’s something important that they’re trying to wrap up. They can’t actually give you their presence until that thing, that loose end is handled for them. You coming in and asking them is this a good time. They can say it is and it isn’t. I can give you my attention, but I may be distracted. Which is all about creating context and getting opt-in. That can be really useful.
Cathy: Letting them know what you’re in the mood for specifically can help too. Because if I just come in and say, “Hey Reid, do you have a few minutes?” He doesn’t know if I want help changing a light bulb in the other room, or doing taxes, or being connected, and having a deep conversation. He might say yes to one and no to the taxes, for instance. If you can let them know what your need is, and if you have some awareness of, “Hey, I’d like 10 minutes.” Or, “I could really use a couple hours of us just being connected and quiet together. Could we schedule that?”
Reid: Because often you don’t need that need met right then and there. You may feel like it. You may be starving for connection, but most people can wait 20 or 30 minutes. The real things that you need right now are, like, “I have severed my femoral artery. I need you now.” That’s completely different than, “I’m feeling insecure about our relationship and can we cuddle?” If somebody’s like, “Can we do that in 10 minutes?” Or, “I can do it at 7.” That’s a much different scenario than me trying to get your attention and trying to get you to mind read me and that I need cuddling.
Cathy: What can you do if the other person is just hyper. It’s not that they’re actually doing anything, but they’re just not focused. They’re just kind of bouncing all over and you just want them too be there with you?
Reid: It sounds like that’s not a good time for them.
Cathy: I also know people that are in relationships with people that are pretty frantic a lot of the time.
Reid: Why are they in a relationship with that person?
Cathy: They love them.
Reid: Love is a horrible reason to be in a relationship with people, by the way. That’s a whole other video that we’ve already done. Go find it.
Cathy: It’s called Date your species. You can tell them what your needs are, that you would like to have time when they can be present. There are some good books out there that can help you with that. The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane is really great with techniques to be present and less frantic and distracted, meditation, there’s other ways that can do that. But that’s really their choice. You can invite them, tell them why it would be useful to you and to them.
Reid: It’s tricky though. Now this video’s going to go long. That’s tricky because I need connection from you, you’re frantic, go meditate. Ultimately, I think you guys should schedule time to be connected, or make it some kind of ritual: before bed we’ll connect for 10 minutes, or when we get home. Build in the expectation definitely do not try talking about what Cathy just said, you know, “I need you to be less frantic and more focused.”
Cathy: While they’re frantic.
Reid: While they’re frantic and focused and you need their focus and calm. Because that’s probably going to be horrible, because you both are in different spaces and are not going to be capable of giving each other what either one needs for that. For lots of these kinds of conversations, get whatever needs you can met. Then have the conversation at another time. Don’t try to change the tire on the relationship while you’re driving kind of a thing.
Cathy: Excellent advice. Let us know what you think, what comes up for you, if you have any other questions or thoughts on this.
Reid: Yep.