If you’re hanging out with someone and you’re both using skill sets that create warmth and connection, it’s really easy to get deeper than you first planned. In these kind of moments it’s better not to just dump the relationship and run if you can help it. It is good to know where the breaks are at all times.
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share what to do, if you gotten in deeper than you planned.
Cathy: Do you ever wonder how you can deescalate a relationship? Have you gotten in deeper than you planned, and now your only thoughts are to cut and run, or see if you can endure having it a little deeper than you’re ready for? This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: This was a great question that came up. Reid has been offering a course called, “Creating Your Romance Homerun.” It’s fantastic. It shares how to create romance. One thing I’ve noticed is if I’m hanging out with someone and we’re both using these skills where you can create romance, it’s really easy to get deep quickly. I like knowing where the breaks are at all times, where the emergency exits are. It would be nice to be able to …
Reid: Those were emergency exits.
Cathy: Yeah, I did get it. Thank you.
Reid: That was good, unrehearsed.
Cathy: He’s really good at romance. His jokes, not so good.
Reid: Wow, sas. Please, continue with your fierce intimacy.
Cathy: Yes. It is possible when you’re using skill sets that create warmth and connection. It’s possible to suddenly find yourself in perhaps deeper than you planned. It’s better not to just dump the relationship and run if you can help it. What do you recommend? If you find yourself suddenly like, “Oops, I didn’t mean to get in this deep.”
Reid: There are a couple of things going on. You’re using tools to help create connections and warmth, and so you’re creating connection and warmth. Do you think that’s what is into deep? You’re like, “Oh my God, they’re making me feel really good. Ah, intimacy.” It might be an abundance issue like you’re actually getting what you want. You can like people and you can even like, like people and still not have to have a relationship.
The big things are just really, how do you … first just even have the conversation, “Hey, this feels really good. I’m not ready for a relationship, and I’m afraid that things might get too deep between us. How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” Often just bringing up to talk about intimacy.
Cathy: They’re just going to be like: “Thank God.”
Reid: Or they’ll be like, they’ll back up slowly.”Then you’ll have a little bit more space. Being frank with people and honest will often scare people away, so there that’s your solution.
Cathy: You mentioned on the call the other night, you mentioned a couple other possibilities.
Reid: Yeah, the other big possibilities are, “Slowdown having a relationship.” The things that make us imprint and bond, or fall in love with people like baby chickens, you know where you’re like, “Pip, pip, pip, pip.” Following people around. Those things you can lessen. If you pay attention to how you guys are acting and behaving.
If you feel warm and connected with somebody, and you’re texting him everyday, or calling him on the phone everyday, or seeing them several times a week, that’s a relationship. Now, people talk about, “We’re not seeing each other exclusively or whatever. We’ve never used the R word, relationship.”
Cathy: Or the L word or …
Reid: The thing is your behavior, you’re behaving in a way that’s creating the same chemistry and brain dump of brain chemistry, so you’re basically … you’re behaving in such a manner that you’re having a relationship, or your blood chemistry is having a relationship.
Cathy: You’re not taking enough time off in between getting together to let that calm down.
Reid: Mostly what I would do is get really clear about how you guys are staying in communication, and see each other less which means you’re making each other feel warm and fuzzy less often, not less as when you’re together.
Cathy: Right, you don’t have to fight or squabble to make it … yeah. You also mentioned that you spend … when you do get together you can spend time with other people together.
Reid: The other solution is to add more people to the mix, so go out and hangout together as friends, in groups of friends. Then that will also usually kind of dilute or lessen the imprinting chemistry. Obviously, surround yourself with people that you like. Don’t try to lessen the relationship by hanging out with people that you hate. That makes no sense, you’re suppose to be enjoying life.
You can teach all your friends the stuff that we talk about in the, “Romance Homerun Program,” so that you’re all experts at making each other feel warm and fuzzy. In that way, you’re all kind of nurturing and nourishing each other rather than it’s just the person have the crush on that’s making you feel good when everybody else is just kind of like, “Whoopty do.“
Cathy: Yeah, you don’t feel so depleted like attached to that person. If you’d like to checkout Reid’s program. You can find it at ReidAboutSex.com/creating-your-romance-homerun. I’ll put the link bellow, so you can check it out.
Reid: Eventually, it will be in the ReidAboutSex.com/Store. Checkout both of those things. If you can’t find it, e-mail us, and we’ll put the link below. What are your comments? How do you lessen the imprinting or the, “likey, likey” when you’re in a relationship too fast, or that’s going too well when you actually don’t really want to be having a relationship with the capital R. Give us your hints and thoughts below.
Cathy: Talk to you soon.