If we open up our relationship and have a threesome with a woman, will I become a lesbian or bisexual?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and shared that a perspective partner of theirs was terrified that she might be compelled to become a lesbian or bisexual if we even occasionally opened our relationship up to women. Could we talk a little bit about how to define orientation and what that means?
Reid: Absolutely. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. I so want to be funny in this video.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. I really appreciate the question because a lot of people are confused and uncertain. I know the first time I kissed a woman and liked it, I thought I had to be a lesbian.
Reid: Just like that Miley Cyrus song.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: It was Miley Cyrus … Katy Perry. I’m so sorry, Katy. I’m so sorry.
Cathy: She’s never going to speak to you now. It’s all over.
We get to define who we are how we want to define ourselves. I understand the confusion and hesitancy that can come there. I really appreciate you sharing and asking this because there’s probably a lot of people that wonder about it.
Reid: The Sex Geek … I will speak for all sex geeks … Not.
My advice is your fear that you’re going to turn into something because you go explore something is really a misunderstanding of labels. We’re taught that things in life are very black or white.
You must be this or that. Republican or Democrat. If you like kissing girls, then you must be a lesbian. If you like sucking dick and you’re a dude, you must be gay. No.
Cathy: They’re boxes that just…
Reid: That all went away in the 80s, folks. We are further along now. You get to basically be whoever you want to be. If people want to bust your balls or your ovaries about that, then you just tell them very politely with an open heart, compassionately staring them in the eyes, being present with them, Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli said, “Suck it.” If you’re worried that you might like it, like it, is it the worry that you might have to change your orientation?
Cathy: I think it’s useful to ask that person, what they think that would mean. Our society has so many definitions and rules about if you are this, you must be that. If you’re female, you must act this way. If you’re a lesbian, you must look like this. Asking and pulling out some of the subconscious beliefs around it might release a lot of stress. I know I’ve had friends or clients come to me and say, “If I’m a lesbian, I have to look a certain way and wear combat boots and …
Reid: Not sleep with men.
Cathy: Yeah. The truth is whatever label, however we want to choose to define our orientation, we get to be just who we are. Once we identify what the subconscious beliefs are, we can erase them a lot better.
Reid: The other thing that can help is that it might be that you just haven’t found the label that’ encompassing enough for you, that’s a label you want to wear. Maybe you’re pansexual or maybe you’re gender queer or maybe you’re a unicorn with penguin tendencies. It doesn’t matter, but creating a label … The one that I would recommend to everyone is that you are awesomesexual.
Cathy: I love that one.
Reid: This is stealing from my friend Lauren. Lauren, if you’re watching, thank you for that.
Cathy: It’s a great …
Reid: I will not reveal your last name unless you tell me to. The awesomesexual basically means if you’re awesome, I might want to sleep with you. Then it’s not about gender. It’s not about having to then because I claim the term or the label lesbian was put upon me, I must abide by all these rules.
The orientation is I’m curious, I like people. If something feels consensual and healthy, then I can do whatever I want. Your identity doesn’t have to be defined by the labels and you can take labels and reappropriate them and make them mean whatever you want.
You’re a lesbian who sleeps with men or you’re bisexual, but for the most part you sleep mostly with the opposite sex. Whatever that is for you, you get to create and claim those terms as an active reclamation. Maybe there’s a term already out there that works really well for you. You just haven’t run into it yet.
Cathy: I also encourage you to watch Reid’s video on dating your species ReidAboutSex.com/Date-Your-Species/ or look at the article he has on ReidAboutSex.com/Are-You-Dating-Your-Species/. If this person, this perspective partner doesn’t choose to find a way to feel comfortable with this and you want to have open relationships where this works, they may not be your species.
Reid: I don’t know if I have a response to that. I think that was very wise, but I can’t tell if it was because you’re citing my material or if it was just a good answer.
Cathy: As you get to know this perspective partner deeper, you may want to say is this going to be a match? Is this going to be too much work to try to make this puzzle piece fit? Just have a boundary for yourself. How far am I willing to go outside of my comfort zone and my compatibility to find a relationship?
Reid: Maybe you just look at labels and exploring things in your life like a Rubik’s Cube. You just keep changing. That’s the nature of how you want to play with your sexuality and your relationships. The important thing I think is to give yourself permission to not be perfect, to try things and to also not like them, as well as try things and like them. You liking something doesn’t mean you have to change your identity or how you present yourself in the world.
Cathy: If you kiss a woman, you’re not automatically forever more labeled as a lesbian. You can say, “I love that. Do that more,” or, “I never want to do that again.” It’s okay.
Reid: The important thing is are they a good kisser. Comments below. What do you think? Thank you so much for listening.
Dating your species article: ReidAboutSex.com/Are-You-Dating-Your-Species/
and video: ReidAboutSex.com/Date-Your-Species/