What can you do to help build connection and have a blast no matter what your age? If you want a bunch of lovers?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m going to start reading it and then start the video?
Cathy: Yeah. You’re so helpful, thank you.
Someone wrote in and said, “What is it like for a lively woman of 55 to have five boyfriends. I’m thinking I would like this, but don’t know how to go about it. How do I meet and select the right guys for me?” I think it’s a really fun question.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com .
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com .
Reid: And we’re broadcasting live, or recorded, from our hotel lair…
Cathy: In San Diego.
Reid: In San Diego. All right, what’s your answer, oh lively 55-year old who’d like to date five men?
Cathy: I’m not 55 yet, but I love the question.
Reid: You will be someday.
Cathy: I will be. I’m 47 right now, and I remember a conversation you and I had soon after I’d met you. I’m a big woman, and I think I was 40… I must have been 44 at the time. I said, “In my experience the middle-aged big women are the ones that that sit on the side of stuff and don’t have anyone engaging with them,” and you said, “In my world, the ones that want to, are in the middle of everything having a wild time.” I was very suspicious of your story, and not sure it was true, and yet…
Reid: Has it panned out to be true?
Cathy: It has, actually, if you want to, and you’re willing to use your words and ask for stuff. I have two lovers in their 30s right now that… we just have a really fun time. It doesn’t have to be what they stereotypically say, you have to be 22 and a size 2 to have people that want to have fun with you. Get to be who you are, and enjoy your body, and enjoy other people’s bodies. The number one advice I’d give you is to make sure there’s not a lot of stories about what you can get. It still comes up; I’ll get shy or retired, and I’ll be like oh, “You know I’m 47. I’m big,” and when I’m in that space it’s really hard to engage with people. That noise is so loud, that I’m not connecting.
Reid: What do you do to turn the volume down on that noise?
Cathy: Again this is your advice and it worked really well; I tell somebody. I’m like, “I’m feeling really insecure right now. I’m feeling like I’m too big and too old to be attractive.” If you can say it not from the point of view of a victim… and sometimes I need to go to a friend and I’m like, “I really need to vent for a while.”
Reid: Or a therapist. Not that you need to go to a therapist, but some of you will have friends who aren’t good listeners.
Cathy: I hang out with you, so I’m probably…
Reid: Cathy has me and I’m a good listener. Oh, I’m sorry, what were you talking about?
Cathy: You may want to just share with someone, but just telling someone you’re feeling shy or awkward can often… the other person often says, “Oh, me too!” and a great dialogue starts.
Reid: Yeah, that’s great cocktail party event stuff, is go up to people and talk about what you’re afraid to talk about, or what’s going on for you, and a lot of people who are also standing there kind of looking awkward will be like, “Me, too!” You let the cat out of the bag, and then all of a sudden you can laugh about social dynamics being just like seventh grade and ‘ha ha ha ha ha’. “Do you have four friends, because I’d like to date all of you?”
Cathy: “Right now?”
Reid: “And I am 55.”
Cathy: I’m going to steal something that Reid said in the relationship Tenx program last weekend; it’s amazing. He said to go out and do things that thrill you and you will be thrilling, and you’ll more likely meet people that thrill you as well. I used to stay home a lot and I wasn’t dating because unless someone parachuted through my living room, they weren’t going to meet me except when I went to the grocery store, the car… car. There’s some cool people that go grocery shopping, I’m sure, but I wasn’t meeting the ones that really thrilled me.
Reid: But if you went grocery shopping on non-monogamy night at your local grocery store…
Cathy: They don’t have that in Dallas anymore…
Reid: You could start that meet-up.
Cathy: What I was saying is, if you want to meet some really cool people, go out and do things that you’ve always wanted to do. Sometimes it means going out past your comfort zone, and it can take courage. Bring a friend if you want but start…
Reid: Yeah, but this woman is asking, and I’m assuming it’s a woman, I don’t know that she gendered her missive to us, but she wants five boyfriends.
Cathy: Yeah. Go on OK Cupid and say that you want five boyfriends.
Reid: Exactly, because she doesn’t know where to go, so you got to give her advice. Where does she go?
Cathy: Yeah, but also go out…
Reid: Talk to her!
Cathy: Go to different meet-ups, go on OKCupid.com or PlentyofFish.com Say what you really want. This is what so many people do wrong on profiles, and Reid helped me so much with that because I wasn’t saying what I wanted. I was trying to be really innocuous and hoped not to scare people away…
Reid: Then you get no one.
Cathy: Because it was boring, I’ve read it since then. I’m like, “Oh my god.”
Reid: You get people who are into innocuity.
Cathy: Yes, so say that I want to have five boyfriends.
Reid: Would you like to be one of the five lucky men?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Yes, to share my bed.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Maybe not all at the same time…
Cathy: Maybe?
Reid: Maybe? It depends on what you’re into.
Cathy: Yes, so just embrace who you are and share who that is and what you really want. If you get three, that’s still really cool.
Reid: Yeah, you can get good odds there. Why is it five? Why not six? Why not seven?
Cathy: Why limit yourself?
Reid: Why limit yourself?
Cathy: Maybe it’s one for every day of the week.
Reid: Oh, and then you have weekends off…
Cathy: Like underwear.
Reid: Because you might need the weekends off…
Cathy: It’s like under wonder, Monday to Friday underwear.
Reid: Wait, so you don’t wear underwear on the weekends?
Cathy: No. Sorry, guys. I am really sorry.
Reid: TGIF, my friends. TGIF, so basically, can I chime in now?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: I know I was chiming in the whole time. The only way you’re going to know what it’s like is if you experience it. You might never get to five, or you might shoot way past five; who knows? Start hanging out or going to groups or being on Facebook groups, or meet-up groups, those kinds of situations where people are exploring non-monogamy, or dating a lot of people consecutively or congruently?
Cathy: Congruently. Consecutively means “one after the other.”
Reid: Okay, so not that. That’s not congruent. This was happening in another video. I’ll think about it in a minute.
Cathy: He’ll come back.
Reid: Go check out places where people who are already exploring, or are thinking about exploring non-monogamy in whatever way it looks like, where they hang out, and then go and… just because somebody’s at that group doesn’t mean you should be dating them, or seeing them regularly. You can date them to see if you want to see them more. That was the old version of dating, and no one…
Cathy: When you think of boyfriend, you might want to reevaluate what that looks like, because it might be someone that wants a monthly call for a play-date. What do you need to have to have to be happy versus what other people think you should have?
Reid: Yeah, but going to the gym thinking you’re going to pick up somebody who’s going to be OK with you having four other boyfriends, it’s not the best use of your time, because then you’re spending a lot of your energy trying to convert everybody. Really, you want to already be preaching to the converted, and that means going to the watering holes, the way that I talk about it, but like you’re dating your species. Go to the places where the people that you want to meet already are at. In this case it’s going to be polyamory, non-monogamy, swinging, BDSM and kink, places that are…
Cathy: If you’re into BDSM and kink.
Reid: Yeah, places that are already outside of the box of traditional relationships. I know a lot of monogamous kinky people too , but you’re looking for people who are thinking about relationships differently, and already looking at non-monogamy, or that’s an open discussion in the community. Then you’ve got workshops and things, and retreats like Poly Palooza, and Loving More has really interesting gatherings and things like that…
Cathy: Burning Man.
Reid: Poly living… Burning Man has a lot of non-monogamous, and monogamous people too. You’re going to be going in those directions. OKCupid, their algorithm and how they run their site is better for non-monogamous people.
Cathy: Plenty of Fish is not bad.
Reid: Plenty of Fish is not bad. Things like Tinder and whatnot, again if you’re 55, you’re probably not using Tinder, but Tinder is more of a hook-up app, which doesn’t really vet for people who are good at non-monogamy. They may just be hooking up with lots of different people.
Cathy: And that’s OK.
Reid: That’s OK, but like…
Cathy: It just depends on what you mean by ‘boyfriend’.
Reid: OKCupid, Facebook groups about polyamory, that kind of stuff. Go there, let us know how it goes. If you’re one of those five lucky guys, let us know how it goes, too.
Cathy: Yeah, leave comments. Yay! That was a fun question