If you want to get out there and build more connections, make friends, find romantic partners, self-esteem and self-confidence are key.
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss powerful steps to building self-esteem!
Cathy: Hi, everyone. I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. I was feeling a little not confident there.
Cathy: Oh, so you’re vamping a little bit.
Reid: I was vamping, yeah.
Cathy: So, (laughs) one of our listeners had asked us, she said that she wanted to get out and meet people, but she doesn’t have good self-esteem and she was wondering how she can even start to get over that, start building self-esteem.
Reid: Well, there’s my jackass advice, which I don’t think any medical doctor or psychologist would approve. What would your advice be? I’m interested in your advice first, I’ll put you on the spot.
Cathy: Oh, thanks. One thing that really helps me and it’s something you actually helped me with is that everybody’s awkward. I think most of us compare how everybody else looks on the outside to how we know we’re feeling inside here and I grew up thinking I was the only one that felt awkward and I thought when I finally grow up and I finally get this, I won’t feel awkward anymore, but the truth is, human beings feel awkward a lot of the time. Just acknowledging that really made a difference for me. It made me feel a little bit safer to start reaching out to people and I love that you actually share, “Hey, I’m feeling awkward,” because when I did, all of a sudden the conversation went from, “How’s the weather,” “Yeah, my dog pooped twice today,” to “Oh, my God. Me, too. I feel awkward all the time,” like it just took it to another …
Reid: People talking about their dog’s pooping it’s kind of awkward, as well.
Cathy: I was …
Reid: Only twice? What are you feeding this dog? Yeah, so when you admit things, they have a lot less power in your head, like one of my mentors, you know, this is a bad neighborhood. You will get mugged up here. So, starting off with offering what’s bothering you or what you’re worried about is a much better conversation starter, one because you’re way more interesting. If the person can’t handle your vulnerability … like, you don’t have to burst into tears like, (pretend sobbing) I’m so …” I mean, you’re interesting, but then at a cocktail party a little weird. But when you show what’s going on for you, you raise the bar for the other person and they get to be vulnerable back, so if they can handle it, then you start to have a better conversation and you’re actually connecting and you’re releasing the scary stuff in your head that has the most power, because when you don’t talk about that stuff, now you’re having a conversation with somebody about their dog pooping when you’re in your head thinking about how nervous you are, how this, how that.
Cathy: And you get to start with baby steps. You don’t have to go up to someone and share something that’s heart wrenching vulnerable. I just practiced with the person at the checkout line or at a party, I’d say, “I hate these things. I never know what to talk about,” and someone would be like, “Oh, me too.” We would just start the ball rolling.
Reid: Or you’re just like at the checkout line, which is really like the classic … poor checkout people, I’m sorry that we’re creating a whole race of folks that come up to you and say, “I’m feeling nervous today,” but you can be like, “Hey, I watched this video on self-esteem and confidence and they said to do this. As a complete stranger at the grocery store, what do you think? Way more engaging than being the person that does small talk and for the people who can’t handle small talk, it’s actually an assessment tool, like they’re like, “Oops, sorry, gotta go,” and they leave you free to go find people who can handle deeper, more intimate conversations, which is who you want to be hanging out with in the first place because your life becomes more nourishing.
Cathy: And they’re out there.
Reid: Yes, Oh, they totally are. For what you said and what the question was, like leading with the things that you might be afraid of even when you’re dating and be like, “Hey, just so you know, I’m nervous and I feel vulnerable about getting back into the dating scene. Who’s with me?” and then people are like, “Oh, my God. I’m like that, too.”
Cathy: You could put it in your dating profile if you want it and the last thing that I recommend that’s really worked well for myself and for a lot of clients is start acting as if you loved yourself. Now, it may seem counter intuitive. We think, oh, once I get things together, I’ll start loving myself.
Reid: Or once somebody loves me, then I’ll have proof and I can start loving myself.
Cathy: The analogy I use is if you had a house plant and you told it, “I will never water you or give you sunlight until you bloom,” how well is the house plant going to do?
Reid:(Whispering) I don’t think they speak English. It’s going to die (laughs). Water yourself first.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: That was good, right?
Cathy: Yes. That was really good (laughs). The really cool thing is when you start treating yourself as if you have value, you start feeling like you have value more. It’s really amazing. Most people turn it around and once you start acting, I recommend people start three times a day, stop and say, “If I loved myself, what would I do right now?” If you can’t reach that far, if this is my sister or my mother or my best friend, what would I do right now? Would I let her sit down for five minutes, would I get a cup of tea, would I take a short walk? Just little things like that can start transforming self confidence, building it in your body.
Reid: And just so you know, as you do these kinds of practices that Cathy is advocating, you will usually tap into whatever self-loathing you happen to have been carried around since fourth grade or whatever, that’s normal. Don’t take your feelings coming up to the forefront as proof that you’re not ready yet. They’re supposed to come up, so know that ahead of time and understand that the entire planet is walking around with their little suitcase filled with self-loathing, most of us, and that’s what they’re holding on to and don’t want you to see that suitcase at all. So, dig into that suitcase.
Cathy: And let it go. I used to do that. It would come up and I would grab on and hold on. I don’t know why. But, it’s okay. Just know that if it’s coming up, you’re actually probably doing a good job. Let it come up, let it go.
Reid: Yeah and trust us on this one. We’ve both done our self-loathing stuff.
Cathy: It’s still in the process sometimes.
Reid: Yeah, it comes up from time to time. The situation is you’re like “Oh, this is my self-loathing,” and then you’re going through the checkout person, “I feel self-loathing today. Do you ever feel like that?”
Cathy: (Laughing) Don’t scare them away. Let us know what you think with comments below. Thank you.
Reid: Bye.