You cared enough to date them. How can you make things easier for your ex during and after a break up?
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss making breaking up easier!
Cathy: How can you make breakups easier for your ex?
Reid: How can you make breakups easier?
Cathy: Usually it’s someone you cared about enough at least to be in a relationship with. So, it’s nice if you can make it easier.
Reid: That bastard! How dare they do that on Facebook in front of me and the world? I’m going to call them right now.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Now that you scared them all completely.
Reid: Do not call your ex. That’s how you make things easier. Do not put anything on their Facebook status. That’s how you make it easier. Do you know who I’m talking about?
Cathy: There are ways you can make it easier. Initially, during the breakup and afterwards. So, during the breakup it can be really powerful to agree that you’re not going to talk for three months.
Reid: Yeah. My recommendation is three to six months cold turkey. Don’t talk to each other. If you need to get information to each other use through your community grapevine, which for me the big piece is don’t break up your community because you guys broke up. Don’t divide your friends and have to pick sides because if you guys can follow the advice and not see each other for several months it will help you guys wean off each other …
Cathy: And transition from romantic to friendship.
Reid: If friendship is indeed what you guys need to be, or just be friendly. Understand that you’re going through the breakup. Your blood chemistry, your brain is obsessing about the other person and that’s making it harder on both of you to give each other space and to wean each other off of each other. Use your friends as the methadone of kicking the habit of your ex. Go hangout with them and stay away from that other person. It will help them too.
Cathy: Yeah. So you can make an agreement with your ex that we’re not going to talk for three months. Let’s check in on September whatever and see where we’re at. We’ll meet for coffee or whatever feels appropriate at that time.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: In the meantime encourage them, remind them as your breaking up that each of you have friends and that you’d like to keep it amicable and that friends are a really good support for this.
Reid: Yes.
Cathy: Sometimes we have a tendency to withdraw when we’re in pain and our brain gets really screwy because it starts looking and reaching for the person that made us feel the best.
Reid: Yeah. So you hanging out with your friends …
Cathy: Even if it doesn’t feel great and your kind of pushing yourself.
Reid: Because you’re bumming because your blood chemistry is just making your life suck. Right? Hanging out with your friends and getting your monkey needs met from them will help you nurture and feed yourself so that you’re not drunk dialing your ex in the middle of the night. Some of you when you breakup just need to stop drinking alcohol for three to six months as well. Just saying.
Cathy: Another way to help your ex feel better about.. ease through the transition, Reid has a breaking up program, audio, on his web site. The link is down below. It’s really powerful. It really helps step you through it. I liked it a lot. It talks about, part of it is getting complete as your breaking up. Right? You’re kind of talking through some of the stuff that’s been bottled up so you’re not sitting there stewing, “I wish I had said, I wish I had said.”
Reid: Yeah. It’s a little bit difficult. You should probably have a third person there to midwife you guys through it because it can turn into a dump fest. “Oh yeah, well now that we’re broken up there’s this thing I’ve never told you about you.” You guys can start, while the wound is fresh let’s just poke at it some more. You want to be responsible to get the stuff out and spoken and things that you can do if you’re really savvy is position it as here are things I’ve never told you.
Cathy: Yeah. It’s a difficult conversation formula that you have.
Reid: … that I want to get out and I’m telling you also as proof that this is a good idea that we break up. These things that bothered me that I never told you, I’m taking responsibility for never telling you and with enough of these things accumulated it’s probably a bad idea for us to be dating or be in a relationship.
Cathy: Right. That helps you get complete so you can let the relationship go.
Reid: That’s all about things you guys can do before you break up, as you’re breaking up to help the rest of the healing. Okay? I also advocate having a conversation when you’re dating about how would we break up if we were going to break up? For those of you who share dogs, for those of you who are in relationships like maybe you have your own set of kids, but the person has been in your life enough that the kids love this person and now the break up isn’t just about you it’s about your children, it’s about your pets. Figuring out how you guys can, if it was a healthy relationship, that you need to breakup.
If it was an abusive relationship that you’re breaking up it’s a lot more complex because maybe you don’t want that person around your kids now because you realize holy shit that was a bad idea. Talk to a professional about that. They’ll be much better about midwifing you through that than we can in one YouTube video. That being said, if it was a healthy relationship and you’re breaking up, as you’re breaking up talk about how you guys are going to have visitation rights for the cats and the dogs and the kids.
Cathy: Yeah. Or the CDs.
Reid: Or the CDs. No one has CDs anymore.
Cathy: Oh.
Reid: Get your own iPod.
Cathy: [Laughs].
Reid: They’re cheap now. Just do it.
Cathy: Just be gentle with yourself and your ex. It’s a tough time and we all say things sometimes that we don’t necessarily mean at that point because we’re hurt.
Reid: Be a grownup. This is your time to use your breakups which are sucky as a means of growing up and they will help transform the rest of your life. This is not the time to be petty. This is not the time to turn your community of friends into a reality show. Honestly, you’re not helping anybody by doing that. Most of what you’re feeling is your blood chemistry going through the breakup and it sucks. It literally is like trying to kick a cocaine habit.
Cathy: Yeah. So let us know what your thoughts are or if you have tips that really helped you or your partner during a breakup, leave them below.
Reid: In the comments. Bye.
Cathy: Thank you.