Backdoor Basics: Introducing Anal Sex To Your Relationship

by Reid on April 10, 2016

Hispanic couple smiling at each otherAre you curious about anal sex? Would you like to explore this with your partner?

Join Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from as they discuss Backdoor Basics!

Cathy: Hi everyone.  I’m Cathy Vartuli from

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from

Cathy: One of our viewers wrote in and asked if we could give some tips on introducing anal into the relationship.

Reid: Woa!!!!  I just had to do that because … that was funny, in my head.

Cathy: A lot of things are funny in your head.

Reid: This is true.

Cathy: It is a touchy subject.  A lot of people are nervous about introducing anal.

Reid: Don’t introduce anal while you’re having sex.  You’re like, “Honey, what do you think about us doing some anal right now?”  That was me having sex.

Cathy: I think we all got that.

Reid: Just making sure.

Cathy: Even bringing up the topic when you’re not in the middle of having sex can be … A lot of people are nervous about it.

Reid: I would say, if you want to get super geeky, be like, “Honey, I found this video on You Tube I want to watch with you,” and have it be this video.  Understand that a lot of people are confused or anxious, or …

Cathy: … or are afraid they’re dirty there.

Reid: Yes, or they secretly want it but that’s not what society says we want.  You’re never going to know unless you talk about it.  The only other way you’re going to know is by doing the creeping finger.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize that was your butt.  Is this OK?”  That’s what we do.  We go for the butt a little bit and then we wait and see if you tense up or not.

While that can be erotic, and certainly I’ve done that, right?  It’s not a bad way to do it.  I think the real way you should be doing it, the upgrade is, “Hey, I’m interested …” it’s basically a Difficult conversation formula.  “There’s something I’m nervous to talk to you about.  I’m afraid you’re going to judge me.  You’re going to think I’m dirty.  Whatever.  Here’s what I’m interested in.  I want to at least be able to talk about stuff whether we do stuff or not.  I hope it brings us closer together and I’d like for us to be able to talk about anything.”

You can do this, by the way, with somebody you’re hooking up with for the first time.  Trust me.  I have crazy conversations with people at all variety of meeting or knowing each other.  You can have this conversation immediately upon meeting somebody, under the right circumstance.  Don’t have the anal sex conversation with somebody at the checkout line.  That’s not appropriate.

The more you own that this is awkward or that you can own, “Hey I’m nervous about saying this, but I’m going to say it anyway out of respect,” changes how it lands on people.  You can initiate conversations about anything, even butt sex.

Cathy: There are tone of nerves around the anus and in the anus.  Both men and women can enjoy it.  It doesn’t mean you’re gay or strange or there’s anything wrong.  It’s really important to go very slow, if you are, especially if someone’s nervous.  You can just stimulate the outside and see how they feel.  You don’t have to “go for the gold” so to speak.

Reid: You can get books on these things.  Sadie Allison has a book called “Tickle Your Tush.” Tristan Taormino has a great book on anal sex.  You can learn about stuff and then have a conversation about it. “Hey, I just found out, your butt has all these nerves.  Do you mind if I play with your butt, just from the outside.  Can I just explore your butt cheeks and your ass crack?  I’m not going to dive into anything.  Would that be OK if I explored?”

A lot of us think anal play means penetration and banging away, the stuff we see in main stream porn, which anal sex can look like that, but there’s so much that we don’t get to see in anal porn because it’s not interesting in the way that Olympic sexual activity that gets portrayed on main stream porn is.

Cathy: For most people, you have to start slow and warm things up and get people really excited before that feels good.  It also can be fun, as strange as it sounds to some people, you can practice on yourself to see what you like.

Reid: Yes.  That’s what toys are for.  That’s what fingers are for.

Cathy: If you or and your partner feel more comfortable, you can wear gloves, though it’s not necessary.  You talk about how it’s easier to keep your fingernails clean.  You don’t want to go from the butt to the vagina … ever.

Reid: Good butt basics by Cathy Vartuli.

Cathy: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Reid: No.  ….just the nervousness and the stigma that we have about not having the conversation.  Have the conversation.  Go do the research.  If you have a partner go do it together to make things less scary … the unknown less scary.  It’s perfectly fine to try things and then be like, “Wow, I didn’t like that.  Let’s not do that again.”

Cathy: It’s OK to say “no.”. If some things are a no for you, there’s nothing wrong.

Reid: Absolutely.

Cathy: Let us know what you think.  What have you experienced when you brought this up or what are you afraid of sharing with your partner.  Leave comments below.

Reid: Bye.

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