How do you know if you’re a Unicorn? 🦄❓
(Answer below)
If you or your friends identify as Unicorns, I’ve got three fun, unicorn-related things to share with you.
If you don’t know if you are a Unicorn or not, this post is definitely for you!
Let’s look at some definitions…
What’s a Unicorn?
According to the Oxford English Dictionary…
u · ni · corn /ˈyo͞onəˌkôrn/
noun
- a mythical animal typically represented as a horse with a single straight horn projecting from its forehead.
- something that is highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain.
“an album like this is something of a unicorn”- a start-up company valued at more than a billion dollars, typically in the software or technology sector.”a currency-exchange unicorn”
What Is a Unicorn in the Sex-Positive World?
Building off of the definition that a unicorn is “highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain”…
You’ll most often run into the term unicorn in the Swinging and Polyamory/Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) communities. And there’s a Kink/BDSM version of unicorns, too, though the term is used less often.
In the Lifestyle/swinging world, a unicorn is a person who is sexually involved with both members of a couple. The term is often used to describe a bisexual woman who plays with heterosexual couples.
In polyamory and consensual non-monogamy (CNM), the term unicorn originally referred to a bisexual woman who joined a heterosexual polyamorous couple, with the possibility of forming a triad or throuple (a three-person relationship). However, in the CNM world, the definition has expanded significantly. Today, a polyamorous unicorn can refer to anyone who fits an “impossible to find” role in a relationship dynamic. Unicorns can be of any gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, or polycule-configuration. For example:
- “Pansexual, social justice-minded quad is seeking demisexual unicorn to be our fifth.”
- “Gay couple seeking lesbian unicorn to form a throuple and start a family.”
- “Queer couple looking for a unicorn for monthly date nights, cuddles, and sex.”
In the kink/BDSM world, the term unicorn tends not to be used as much and is often replaced with descriptors that are more kink-specific.
- “Looking for a submissive to help me please my dominant…”
- “Two Dominatrixes looking for submissive college boy who likes cages of all sorts.”
- “Seeking switchy unicorn who’s into rope, impact play, and pegging to help me top my girlfriend who likes spanking and flogging and then you and my girlfriend get to co-top me with ropes and strap-ons.”
- “Mommy and Daddy seeking their Little.”
The idea of a unicorn being so rare and such a prized possession is so ubiquitous in the sex-positive world that there are memes and songs about “unicorn hunting.” Unicorn hunting is typically described as a beginner [swinger/poly/kinky] couple aggressively, clumsily, and naively searching for their prized 3rd person.
Is Being a Unicorn a Good Thing?
I certainly think so! However, inside of the sex-positive world, there is some unicorn-negativity… Some folks feel like unicorns are always taken advantage of… That “unicorn hunting” is problematic at best and can only mean that folks who identify as unicorns, who wish to be a third, and who want to be “hunted” must be ignorant that they’re being objectified, used, and taken advantage of. Thus, a general finger-wagging, shame-on-you situation often arises around the topic discouraging many folks from embracing and identifying as unicorns.
Maybe THIS is why you don’t find many folks proudly declaring unicorn as part of their identity.
This unicorn-negativity + unicorn-hesitancy could also be contributing to why it’s hard for unicorns to find resources and community to hone their skills and become MORE of the amazing, rare, and magical humans that they are. And what about the unicorns who haven’t realized their unicorns yet? Or even heard that being a unicorn is a thing you can be? How are they supposed to “wake up”, figure it out, and then claim their Unicorn identities?
Unicorn With a Capital U
For the record: I identify as a Unicorn with a capital U. Why? Because I’m a unicorn who KNOWS they are a Unicorn. I’m self-aware that I’m this way.
It’s not the couple “unicorn hunting” me that makes me who I am. I was a Unicorn before the couple found me and I’ll be a Unicorn after I leave their hotel room. I was a Unicorn before we throupled-up and I’ll still be a Unicorn should any of us decide to break up or transition the relationship.
Maybe I’ve always been this way, but I wouldn’t have known years ago to use the word unicorn.
In my 20s, I hadn’t a clue what a unicorn —or unicorn hunting— was outside of the dictionary definition of the mythical animal and reading T.H. White’s fantasy novel The Once and Future King in 8th grade (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end well for the unicorn). It wasn’t until my early 30s that I started to realize my slutty nature and stumbled upon play parties. There, I would awkwardly share about my love for threesomes. Opening up about it led to more threeways, where I fumbled, bumbled, and learned through trial and error (a lot of error!) how to better navigate everyone’s desires, boundaries, and skill levels. I’d learn about unicorns from the swinger community, then the polyamory community, and then the kink/BDsM community. By my 40s, with more experience and confidence, I finally started embracing my threesome-loving nature without shame. As my self-awareness and groundedness deepened, so did my skill at midwifing others through thoughtful, connected experiences, especially threeways.
And now I’m a proud, card-carrying Unicorn. And you can be one, too!
Who Gets To Be a Unicorn?
Self-aware Unicorns, IMHO, are folks of any gender who not only enjoy —but feel called to— helping couples and individuals explore group dynamics in safer, healthier, more pleasurable, and shamefree ways! These experiences can be sexual, relational, or both. And we Unicorns don’t mind so much that there is often a lot of emotional labor woven into our calling. We get it. It’s just a part of the “Unicorn job.”
Unicorns tend to be natural nurturers who enjoy helping and guiding those looking to explore and expand their sexuality, especially when it comes to group situations. Some might call us “threesome midwives”, as we help couples and individuals give birth to their fantasies. We know —often by having had to learn the hard way— the responsibility and care inherent in our role and why such care is important. To be invited to play with an existing couple or help two individuals come together is a precious & sacred honor. To be reckless as the midwife usually means bad experiences for all involved.
Unicorns understand the importance of helping people get clear on their boundaries and desires—and why finding the right words matters. They’ve learned the hard way what happens when you engage with people who say, “I have no boundaries, anything goes.”
Unicorns know how crucial it is to encourage open negotiation and invest the time and curiosity to discover where everyone’s desires truly align. Unicorns have seen firsthand how some couples defer to the partner who wants it most, afraid to disrupt their fantasy-come-true.
Unicorns also know the value of discussing aftercare and post-sexy-time expectations. Not all couples want you to sleep over, check in the next day, or process together—learning that the hard way makes it difficult to forget.
And perhaps most importantly, unicorns understand when to call off a threeway or stop mid-threesome if something feels off. They’ve learned that forcing it, ignoring gut feelings, or brushing aside someone’s discomfort in hopes that it’ll all work out can lead to messy situations that take time to heal—and sometimes, even break relationships apart.
If this all sounds like a lot of work, it can be. And Unicorns don’t mind doing it because it’s weirdly selfish. They do it in service that everyone —Unicorns included— might experience the transformative and empowering vulnerability & pleasures inherent in successful ménage à trois, fantastic foursomes, and mindblowing moresomes. And Unicorns know —because we have lived it— just how healing and impactful such experiences can be, and how they can alter the trajectory of one’s life. A life with MORE pleasure, less shame, and MORE love & self-acceptance is a win-win-win for all involved. 🦄💞😍😍
How Does One Become Good at Unicorning?
It’s not fair that so many unicorns had to make all the same mistakes to become good at unicorning. And it’s unfair that Unicorns have such a hard time finding each other and supporting one another.
If you’ve been nodding your head as you read this, saying to yourself, “That’s me!”… If you love helping others experience successful threeways… If you hear the call of the Unicorn whispering to you on the evening breeze… Wouldn’t it be nice if it we could find each other? Wouldn’t it be nice if there were tools, tips, and experiences designed to shorten our learning curves, help us avoid disasters, and make life easier on us Unicorns?
If you feel like YOU might be a Unicorn or if you KNOW you are… Check out these two Unicorn-Only offerings…
Unicorn Offering #1: 🦄 Unicorn Bootcamp! (Online)
Unicorn Bootcamp is a 90-minute, virtual workshop, recorded LIVE on Zoom, Feb 4th,2025. Big thanks to the amazing folks at the PluraApp for hosting it.
If you’re looking to get Unicorn Bootcamp AND dive even deeper, here’s how YOU can get it for FREE…
Unicorn Offering #2: Consider Joining Us for a Unicorn-Only Retreat! 🦄
How does 5 days and 4 nights surrounded by like-minded Unicorns learning how to hone our skills while also blowing off some steam sound to you? Does it sound too good to be true?
The best way to tell you MORE is to have you go to JoinTheUnicorps.com now!
If you have friends and loved ones who identify as Unicorns/Threesome Midwives… Please send them this post or send them to JoinTheUnicorps.com or Unicorn Bootcamp. Spread the word! The more Unicorns the merrier, right?!
Do you have questions? An ah-ha moment? Leave a comment or send an email to Support at ReidAboutSex dot com. It’s always nice to hear from you!
Yours in supporting the best Unicorns on Earth becoming even better,
REiD
Ps. In case you forgot…
