I Put My Dick In And She Screamed, What Do I Do When She Says Stop?
Cathy: So this might be somewhat trigerring question but I think it’s really important to answer. Someone wrote in and said I put my dick in a pussy and she screamed, what do I do when she says stop? And I think it’s so important to talk about the fact that a lot of people don’t know genuinely what to do when someone is having a reaction during sex. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and just to let you know if you didn’t know already the reason why I’m wearing my tux is the airlines lost my luggage this morning but I have my suit bag with me so everyone is getting a tux treatment today.
Cathy: I think that there’s a lot of fear and unknown about sex because as a society we don’t talk about it and I appreciate you showing you up even though you have no luggage. And I did try to get him to do shirtless for those of you who would appreciate that.
Reid: That’s the wrong because if I’m still wearing ties like Chippendales and it goes on weird direction.
Cathy: Well you can take off…
Reid: This is not magic mike XXL oh wow disappointment.
Cathy: We’ll talk about disappointment just a minute but if someone tells you to stop or they react or they scream or in pan, immediately stop and pull out. And I think a lot of people just freeze because they don’t know what to do.
Reid: So the, thank you for writing in the comment whatever the situation when somebody says stop, stop.
Cathy: Or even if they scream they might not say stop.
Reid: But it’s even the scream, right? If they say stop in a whisper then you stop and you check in.
Cathy: But it doesn’t clear that she said stop she was in pain.
Reid: If somebody screams you should stop, if somebody said stop even if it’s not a scream stop you should stop and have a check in. If you’re penetrating somebody and they scream, stop and pull out slowly. Don’t leap out of them across the room like whenever somebody is gets surprised or is in pain it helps if on a good day you’re not surprise by their surprise and you can be the calm, you know present person who is not taking it personally and also like how do I help? Because again when people get surprised, we can be surprise and not react poorly which make things worse so in that situation how do you help make things better? And then also when some people are in pain like I fell off of a yoga swing once it came out of the ceiling and everybody rushed me and was like oh my God you okay? You okay? And it was everyone just back away.
Cathy: Let me breath for a second.
Reid: But it was their concern rushing to me that I didn’t need so not knowing what the situation was that they were in, how can you stop what you’re doing and be present and available without smothering somebody with something’s “wrong”.
Cathy: I think it helps too if you cause a lot of people like oh my god I hurt someone and we get in in our own head realize one it could be a muscle cramp that no one expected. A lot of women have vaginismus which where there’s pain for penetration and they may or may not be expecting it and a lot of humans don’t know how to use their words around sex so they might have not have said hey I’m not ready for penetration yet or I have these issues and so if you could just bring that down like okay maybe I didn’t do anything wrong maybe there’s nothing wrong here. I can be just be with this persons who’s experiencing some pain and calmly wait you and let them share and figure out what is best.
Reid: And you don’t know if somebody has a history of trauma, some people have a history of trauma and they don’t know it and it could be showing up in the moment, it could be an allergic reaction to the latex condom or the lube. I mean I’ve some lovers we were having sex, were rolling around and roll onto the vibrator or something. Again like you don’t always know what’s going on but when somebody says stop and screams out in pain you know stop. If you’re inside them then probably withdraw and again it’s like a little tricky and again like if your pegging somebody or if you’re fucking somebody in the ass withdrawing really quickly is a shock so like again slow down and be attentive without smothering someone in concern which has a lot to do with like not trying on a good day to not be surprised that you just got surprised If that makes sense.
Cathy: I really appreciate you writing in and asking. It’s not a question a lot of people have the like a lot of people just feel like they should know and they won’t ask so.
Reid: And other things too that can really be helpful you know making sure that you have a lot of foreplay, use lube make sure people are fully aroused and are saying that they want you to penetrate them were asking you to put yourself inside them, there’s all these really subtle cues that we don’t get taught and we think were supposed to take the initiative and enter the person. And I like to personally set up situations like when you want penetration tell me, when you want penetration grab my penis and put it in you and that way I kind of go with the speed of what’s happening because there’s big difference between were going slow and you grab my penis and now you’re gently letting me in versus you grab me like put it in. It has a lot to do with what your or the person who’s being penetrated is usually the one I like to have be in control and again it doesn’t guarantee that you done hurt people or surprised people but it can help us those of us who put things in people it doesn’t always have to be penises. It definitely helps me not make the wrong call because I think that someone’s ready for penetration and actually they’re not.
Cathy: Good place to learn more about communication and boundaries and encouraging other people to speak up is cuddle parties so if you haven’t been to one, look and see if there’s one in your neighborhood it’s a really good way to build up that skill.
Reid: That’s a great communication workshop about non-sexual touch and affection which are the exact same communication skills that you would use for sexual touch and affection.
Cathy: We hope this helps thank you so much for watching.
Reid: Leave a comment let us know what you thought.