When Is Someone Else’s Attraction Or Arousal Your Problem?

by Reid on February 25, 2016

Young Hispanic couple touching nosesWhen is it your problem when someone was attracted to you?

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: Oh, this is going to be a good one. You’ve picked the right video.

Cathy: When is someone else’s attraction or arousal your problem? Or is it ever? I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. We don’t even know what we’re going to say in this video other than she has a difference of opinion and we’re going to argue. Go.

Cathy: I do like the fact- the concept of that.

Reid: Oh, yeah. What does the concept mean to you?

Cathy: It means that I can be myself and walk through the world and not have to protect other people from wanting me or forming feelings they get from me.

Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Cathy: I had been brought up a lot that if someone else was attracted to me, I had to take care of them about it.

Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Cathy: Even if it wasn’t a mutual thing, it was still my responsibility and my fault.

Reid: Standard cultural narrative for females getting all the men horny and it’s their fault. It is not.

Cathy: The poor men have no control.

Reid: We have no control. We have complete control and it’s all a big hunk of steamy bull poo.

Cathy: There’s also a part of me that feels that there’s a certain politeness and there are times when people do things that impact us and we have feelings about them, and I am concerned that by having a very black-and-white line there, that sometimes we might be really inconsiderate of other people.

Reid: I think you can be gracious and kind to people and it’s still not your responsibility or your problem.

Cathy: There are times when we do things to … Because our culture is really big on not stating what our agreements are or what we’re doing. Reid will come up ask someone, “Can I flirt with you?” Most people won’t do that. There might be some flirting going on, some unspoken messaging going on where someone thinks that they’re being invited in.

Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Cathy: And perhaps we were doing that. Perhaps we were kind of feeling it out and then we change our mind. Are we ever responsible in that case for helping the other person handle the I have changed my mind and I don’t want to go further with you?

Reid: I think you’re responsible for communicating clearly, so if you’re aware that you’ve changed your mind, you should state that. Oh, thank you so much. it was really nice flirting with you and I’m done now. It feels completely impossible to do that in society.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: It’s not. It’s just that we weren’t taught to do that. My mama bear comes up and I’m very protective of the fact that we can all be better communicators.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: That will solve some problems.

Cathy: On both sides.

Reid: On both sides. You can demand that people be as clear as they can with you, and it doesn’t have to be hurtful or harmful or mean. You can just continually ask for clarity.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Then if people can’t give you clarity or if they get angry about clarity, that’s your signal you’re not supposed to hang out with these people.

Cathy: Yes. So leave a comment below and let us know what you think about this. Are we ever responsible for the other person’s arousal or attraction at any point in a relationship? We’ll come back in just a minute with a video on how to handle it if you’re attracted and aroused and the other person doesn’t reciprocate.

Like our channel. Subscribe. We want to keep in touch.

Reid: Cool. Bye. Next video.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: