What do you do if you tried something with your partner, and you didn’t enjoy it at all. You also don’t have the desire to do it again, and your partner won’t let it go. Something like this might happen in the bedroom or in the relationship in general.
Hear what relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com have to say about that.
Cathy: What do you do if you tried something with your partner, you didn’t enjoy it at all, you have no desire to do it again, and they won’t let it go.
“Honey that was so fun. Let’s do that again.”
Reid: I don’t want to go to Great Adventure again. I don’t. I hate that place. I hate it.
Cathy: But we had such a good time. I really want…
Reid: You had a good time. I didn’t and I’m traumatized.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: What do you suggest? It might be something in the bedroom or in the relationship in general that was a no for you.
Reid: First off, sit down with your partner and watch this video together. Second, build into your relationship it’s okay for you guys to try stuff and to not like it. It’s okay for one of you to want to do it, and the other person to be like, “No. We did this. I’m not into this.” Or Great Adventure be damned. Whatever that is.
To me it becomes a conversation about needs. How much is this activity or event … where is it on the Richter scale of dire needs? Does it just feel like it’s a dire need? Do you have to be the person to fulfill on that need?
Cathy: Right. You could take someone else to Great Adventure perhaps.
Reid: Tricky in the bedroom.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Right. Please negotiate that with each other. When you start looking at what the actual need is that you’re trying to get fulfilled … For Great Adventure, it might be, “I need adventure and excitement in our relationship and that is provided by the upside down Batman ride.” Or whatever.
Cathy: Is there something else that you could get that from?
Reid: Yeah. Maybe it’s white water rafting. Which you’re like, “Oh my God. I love white water rafting.” Maybe it’s that you guys need to do something together. Maybe you go take a self defense class together. Whatever that is that allows for whatever the needs are underneath.
Sometimes we mistake the activity as the end all be all when really there’s a whole recipe of ingredients underneath it that are needs based. When you isolate the ingredients, then you realize it doesn’t have to be X, Y, and Z, it could be A, B, C.
Cathy: Realize that just by listening to this video and exploring these ideas, you’re ahead of most people. A lot of people just kind of- they end up fighting about it. They never want to hear about Great Adventure again.
Reid: This video, if you haven’t figured out, is not sponsored by Great Adventure.
Cathy: I’ve never been. Sorry Great Adventure.
Realize that just by thinking about this and maybe watching this with your partner, you’re developing better communication skills. We all have things that we want that our partner may not want. That happens. We all are brought up with the story that we’ll find Prince Charming or Cinderella or Snow White and everything’s going to be perfect and they lived happily ever after. That’s not true.
No matter how good a fit you are, you’re going to find things where you don’t mesh really well. That doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. If you can, take a nice deep breath and realize that you guys can love each other very much and there may be a few places where you don’t get your needs met together.
Reid: Lastly to end on- sometimes we think we can’t do things if the other partner isn’t into it. Really what you’re looking for, sometimes, is “I’m not excited about Great Adventure, but I’m not a no.” For those of you in those situations, you can be like, “I’ll go do this thing with you because what I’m actually excited about is seeing you excited.” It’s not even a take one for the team because that’s more of a “I don’t ever want to go to Great Adventure. I’ll go with you, I’ll take one for the team.” Then you’re kind of crossing weird boundaries of yours.
Cathy: There’s resentments and stuff.
Reid: If you’re like, “Meh. Great Adventure. Whatever.” Then you can go do that thing with your partner as kind of an act of service or gift, and then enjoy and revel in their experience. This is something parents actually get a lot of because they end up doing things for their kids when they don’t really care about ballet or whatever.
Cathy: Chuck E. Cheese.
Reid: Yeah. The kids are so excited they get a contact high. We forget to do that in our relationships.
Cathy: Really good point.
Reid: For those who have kids, kind of copy and paste that into your romantic relationships too. For those of you without kids, hopefully this video gives you some ideas.
Cathy: Yes. Thanks very much. You’re doing a great job. We love that you’re looking into your relationship and finding better ways to do it. We’d love to hear your comments below.