Ever wonder how to have “The Talk” with your date? Reid and Cathy discuss when to share the safer sex elevator speech. Discussing safer sex issues and concerns can bring a lot of ease to a new or an established connection, and sets the groundwork for talking about challenging things.
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss the Safer Sex Elevator Speech.
Reid’s write up on the Safer Sex Elevator Speech is here:
ReidAboutSex.com/safersexelevatorspeech
Cathy: Hi, I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: Reid has this amazing safer sex elevator speech that he gives. He even has this really cool door hanger that says “Do not disturb” on one side and it gives the steps to the safer elevator speech on the other. I’ve had this with a number of people, usually on the third date. Whether I intended … I wasn’t sure a lot of times if I was going to be intimate with them or not. It created great conversation and it opened up the connection in really beautiful ways.
Reid: Yeah. The main thing … I’m a big proponent of the safer sex conversation. Understand that the reason most people aren’t having it is no one ever taught them how to have one. They don’t want to screw it up and then botch up the opportunity and then you’ll never sleep with me again. We end up waiting for the other person to initiate the conversation. Where in fact, if you have some kind of script or formula that works for you, you initiating ends up usually creating a lot of relief for the other person. Even if you put them on the spot, because you’re now role modeling “It’s okay to talk about this stuff.” And you having your conversation, you’re role modeling again, “Here’s how I have my conversation. How about you?”
Cathy: Yeah. You learn a lot, like you said, you learn a lot about someone how they respond when you say how about you, or when you share this. It’s really, it makes the relationship more comfortable. I have a lot of friends, a friend that shared that she was pretty certain that her partner would have shared with her if she had an STD. But that was in the back of her mind all the time. That maybe she should have had that conversation. Then after a while, it seemed like it was too long, they’d been in it too long to ever talk about it.
Reid: It’s the classic example, this is a joke, when somebody walks into an elevator and they have toilet paper on their shoe, or hanging out the back of their pants, and you don’t say anything immediately. By like the third or fourth floor, you’re now a complete a-hole for not bringing it up. Now, you can not talk. Have the conversations sooner than later, and when you are wondering “When do we have the safer sex conversation?” That’s your cue to initiate it then.
Cathy: Yeah. You can even say “It doesn’t mean that I’m ready to sleep with you but I’d like to have this conversation.” This really cool guy Reid, or this really crazy guy depending on how you feel about it has this special door hanger and it has some questions on it.
Reid: Just pull that out of your purse, or out of your briefcase. Then say “Do this, now!” Can you give us an example, Cathy?
Cathy: Yes. He suggested in three minutes, or less, share when you were last tested and your status. I was tested two weeks ago and I was clear on everything. Any relationship agreements that you have currently. I’m not in a relationship and I have no agreements with anyone about that. My safer sex needs and protocols. I use condoms for penetration. I need to know my partner’s sexual status and how many people they’re sleeping with and dental dams if people feel comfortable with that. Any risky sexual encounters since you were last tested?
Reid: Which is basically like, since the last time I was tested we had a condom break or whatever you need to share that may affect your status.
Cathy: I haven’t had anything like that.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Something you like sexually. I like really gentle touch, and I love making out. Something you dislike sexually. I don’t like my hair pulled really hard, unless I’m really turned on. Anyway, how about you?
Reid: It’s basically seven steps, which might feel weird at first because you haven’t practiced it. It’s basically six steps and then the last step is you ask them “How about you?” Which is then giving them permission to share with you, what their situation is. You’re initiating a safer sex conversation. I’m a huge proponent of this kind of conversation. Whatever you end up having your sex be for this. In having it and asking the other person “How about you?” What they tell you in the next couple of minutes, gives you a whole bunch of information for you to be able to figure out what your needs are. For you guys to have any kind of play at all.
Cathy: Yeah. They may be embarrassed, this may be out of their comfort zone. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. But a lot of times, our conversations after this, you kind of start expanding on what we liked and didn’t like. We had amazing conversations, just really fun, intimate, open conversations.
Reid: Doing these therapies infamous safer sex third dates. Did you ever have anybody storm out of the date?
Cathy: I never have. Everybody’s been either shy and awkward or incredibly interested, or embarrassed because they hadn’t been tested. Which, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just want to know what their status is. I do for myself, personally I want someone to be tested before I sleep with them. It makes me feel safe and comfortable.
Reid: Cool.
Cathy: Thank you. We’d love to know what you think, and have you had your safer sex elevator speech talk today?