How Can You Build Connection In Your Community Faster?

by Reid on August 13, 2016

Laughing Friends At Table In MauiDo you want to build connection faster? Wonder how you can be part of a community faster?

With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: How can you build relationships that are deep in a relatively short amount of time?  This is Reid Mihalko from and I’m Cathy Vartuli from  I think I’ve worn you out.  Is it too much work?

Reid: We’ve been shooting videos for a while now, all because you keep leaving amazing comments.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: We love you, all of you.

Cathy: Yes, and this is the last video for the evening so …

Reid: Until the next time we shoot videos.

Cathy: Yes, which we may do hot tub ones tomorrow so that’s an open loop really.

Reid: Hot tubs.  Maybe.

Cathy: How can you build relationships with people relatively quickly?

Reid: Hot tubs.

Cathy: Hot tubs do work.  I’m a relatively … I’m quite shy, actually, and I noticed that I would go to meet-ups and I would see people bonding really quickly and they were just forming these friendships and I was like, wow.  I felt really jealous actually, and one of the ways I found that you can build relationships quicker is by interacting with people in different locations at different times in different ways, because that’s one way our brains have consciously decides who’s important.

Friends are often defined by people we run into repeatedly in different locations and that we hopefully have a good interaction with, but I’ve actually seen people define themselves as friends just because they work together all the time and they run into each other and have to help each other in different ways.

Going to a meet-up and finding some people that you like and inviting them for coffee, having a conversation with them, maybe you’ll go to a different meet-up where the same crew hangs out, is a good way to start deepening relationships and having people recognize you as part of the tribe in a quicker way.

Reid: In some dating places and other communities, that’s called bouncing.  In internet marketing, there’s such a thing as bouncing where you bounce off of your website and go like to Facebook and have the conversation, and then on Twitter, you continue the conversation.  You also see it in romantic comedies when they do the montage.  There’s all these different things that they’re doing and …

Cathy: Picnic and the barbeque and the fireworks …

Reid: … what … and then the canoeing and the rowboat in Central Park and the pond and all the other stuff.

Cathy: You can use that too, connecting them with someone on Facebook and maybe an email and phone call, like not stalking them, but interacting in different ways will help them recognize you as someone that keeps showing up.

Reid: Now, what I’m not going to recommend is you try this technique to get somebody to like you, without telling them that you already like them because what ends up happening is, if you haven’t told them that you like them-like them, then you’re bouncing around doing all these fun activities and meeting up with them in all these different ways, and they may like you as a friend, and for them, you’re anchoring the friendship, not actually having a conversation about relationship.

Cathy: Right, if you just want to build a friendship, this is a wonderful way to build a friendship.  If you’re interested in them romantically, it would be good to declare your intentions.

Reid: Yeah, so understand what we’re talking about here is the idea of creating variety in all your social interactions and engagements as a means of fostering intimacy and deeper connection because, as brain dorks, we know that creating variety, or what Brandon Bouchard says, controlling for new, creates a whole dopamine hit that makes everybody excited and also releases oxytocin, and so you’re creating bonding and trust, and so you can use variety to anchor and strengthen relationships.  Some of you who have been in long-term relationships could stand to go to some place different on your next date.  Just saying.  Watching different movies from the same couch doesn’t count.

Cathy: We encourage you to try this out and let us know what you think or just let us know what you think right now, if you think it’s a horrible idea or if you’ve tried it and you found it worked, because I know people long for connection and if we don’t have the skill set to do it, it can sometimes seem like an impossible battle, so I’ve tried this.  It’s worked really well.  I’ve built connections with people that I really wanted to have as friends and it’s sometimes worked really well with partners too.

Reid: If you like these videos, please subscribe so that you will automatically be sent email updates when we post new videos.

Cathy: Yes.

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