Leadership and Self-care: Facebook Live With Reid And Cathy
Reid: Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/.
Cathy: And Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: And we’ve got sand castle things going on right behind us. We are in Monterey doing a work weekend. Recuperating from the camp and this is uhh, this is a little sex Ed business video because Cathy has been talking about leadership and self-care. So as you sign on, let us know where you are today we’re on the beach. Look at the beach.
Cathy: For another hour.
Reid: For another hour and then we have to go back to civilization. And you had some thoughts on leadership and self-care?
Cathy: Well, we we’re talking about how… I was talking about some cleanup issues in the community and I was talking about whose job it was to step forward of the parties involved to clean it up and you had a good, I mean your thought was leader doesn’t worry so much about whose responsibilities it is to step forward they, if they’re involved they step forward and try to help clean things up. Which I think is a really good that’s really good advice. And I shared it was someone else who said, “Yeah, and I’m tired of always being the one that always steps forward.” and yeah self-care has to take part of that too. If you’re always if you’re always the one who has to step forward that can be really tiring after a while. It’s a lot of effort, a lot of hold space holding. And we don’t always have to do that like just still be a leader doesn’t mean you always have to step forward and clean up the messes we do get to take care of ourselves because if we don’t, the first rule of rescue is don’t add to the body count. So I think that finding that balance between okay I’m on this, I have the bandwidth to step forward right now and help clean this up initiate this conversation versus wow I’m really exhausted and I don’t have this better with the hold space for people right now. It’s it’s okay to say no and still be a leader, it’s okay to actually role model as a leader that you get to take care of yourself either delay having the conversation or not be the one who initiates the conversation at all.
Reid: I think I would add to it where this is tricky is like my advice is coming from a really privileged place of one being an extrovert, two being a dude, three being a white dude and then four you know, having a business that’s it’s somewhat successful or where I’m somewhat well known. So it can be easy for me because I’ll usually have the resources and air courts around easy it doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. It doesn’t mean that I’m rolling my eyes being like god damn it like…
Cathy: Not again.
Reid: Why do I have to go in and clean up the spilt milk but at the same time it’s you know, if the situation is gonna get better and no one else is taking action for me personally it’s like well I might as well do it which works really well for my martyr complex by the way, and my white savior syndrome but it’s more of a like you know if I’m gonna make sure I have the resources to step in and at least acknowledge that there’s a problem and acknowledge that something needs to happen, then then atleast I can feel like I tried and then if I need to wash my hands of it which for me is usually after three attempts. Then I feel like I did a thorough job and then I can be like well you know I tried and here’s the proof that I tried and you know, come back to me when you’re ready to have a conversation. Now that’s, that’s all coming you know right now just kind of extemporaneously having this conversation. And self-care is going to be imminent because if you keep crossing you own boundaries then not only are you gonna be just inconvenienced that no one else is cleaning up the mess but you’ll start to get passive-aggressive about it. And then if you’re constantly trying to clean up a mess that nobody else wants to take responsibility for like you’re doing it like 8, 9, 10 times you’re showing up I’m gonna tell you, you should like set your number at 3 and then just be done with it. And then figure out a way to be complete about things that are incomplete.
Cathy: Yeah. But I do think that it’s a good concept because I, someone hurt my feelings or your batteries it’s so perpetual. You need a better battery.
Reid: No, don’t. Phone shame me for my battery? My battery can cut out whenever it want? It’s self-care my phone wants to shut off!
Cathy: My feelings are hurt by somebody and I was talking about that that’s when the whole conversation came up because I was like waiting for them to kind of make amends and Reid was like if there’s a bad feeling in the community and you’re directly involved then you know someone who step’s forward to takes care of it, it’s gonna lead the community stronger rather than having this little pot petty resentments kind floating around. So if you can step forward, if you can say even if it’s not your job it’s the other person’s job it might be useful sometimes to say, “Hey, I’m having these feelings I’d like to talk about it clean it up”, and you get to say not today. You get to say I don’t ever wanna do it. If that’s what you need for self-care.
Reid: The other thing that to add in I think it’s appropriate to ask for a third person to come in specially if there’s a lot of power dynamics involved, where you can be like to have this conversation I’m requesting that there’d be a third person like the non-involved party. Not necessarily just from mediation but just as witnessing. And again, like if you’re hanging out with people who, who demand that it only happened in private when there’s power dynamics, I think that’s a really good sign that you’re hanging out with people who aren’t savvy around power dynamics. Or, or who are who are trying to use the power dynamics to their advantage because they don’t want to let go of power and that’s basically a kind of abuse. So you should be wary of that. And then the front-loading piece is to try to hang out with and build partnerships with and co-working relationships with, more collaborations with people who are savvy about these things. Or if they’re not savvy, they’re actually really willing to learn and get better at these things that don’t make it comfortable but it does make things easier over the long haul when everyone’s growing and is willing to consider new information and change their behavior.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Anything else?
Cathy: Do you wanna show some toes today?
Reid: Oh, I think I can I can show my toes today.
Cathy: It looks quite likes break. Do you want to do it?
Reid: No honey. There you go.
Cathy: Do you got it?
Reid: Look at the space. You see, paint the toenails.
Cathy: All ready for the Burning Man.
Reid: All ready for the Burning Man. If you’re gonna be a Burning Man let me know where or come by 7:45 and E. I’ll be hanging out with camp Beaverton for wayward girls and 8-bit bunny. So stop on by and that’s it.
Cathy: Yeah. We’re gonna take one more splash and then head on home.
Reid: Alright leave your comments we’ll check it out later.
Cathy: Bye everyone.
Reid: Bye everyone. Ah, how do I shut it off?