Do You Kill The Mood If You Ask If You Can Flirt With Someone?
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: So someone wrote in in response to our video on flirting when you…you talked about asking people if they could…you …you asked you had mentioned that you could you often say, “Is it okay if I flirt with you?” And they wrote back
Reid: Is it?
Cathy: It’s okay with me. Is it okay with them? I don’t know, leave comments below. Do you want him to flirt with you?
Reid: Hit the thumbs up if flirting is good.
Cathy: [Laughing]
Reid: If this is good time.
Cathy: And someone replied and said, “I think the major part of flirting is that are they, aren’t they a playful element a playful element at least initially. Announcing to someone can I flirt with you is a very frank diplomatic approach which could be off-putting especially if it’s a first encounter unless of course, they have a crush on you. Flirting is like humor you try the material out, read through them and pick up on the feedback you’re getting. You wouldn’t say to someone is it okay if I’m a I’m humorous with you? It creates that creates instant expectations, pressure, and examination of everything you say and do…”
Reid: But if you’re funny it’s fine. This…okay is there a question on this?
Cathy: Yeah. So I thought it would be good to reply to that.
Reid: Alright so here’s the deal if you’re gonna test
Cathy: Do you want to introduce yourself?
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Reid: Alright, also I do not know what’s going on with my hair right now, it’s just doing its own thing often it is and I have more hair now because I have a beard. So here’s the deal, if you’re testing out your you know your shtick on the room and you haven’t asked them now you are non-consensually running your comedy bit and you don’t have opted in from the other people so you’re basically spamming them. And flirt spamming people is an…is annoying except when it works out fine but when it doesn’t work out fine it’s problematic because other people like we’re moving into times now where it seems like a lot of people appreciate asking first for things and a lot of people will get all weird about it, “But Reid we have asked for everything. La,la,la,la.” I’m just telling you I’ve done the math and yes social expectations in different cultures are different but I’m gonna predict in the next couple of decades asking especially if you’re a dude is gonna be hugely helpful. And then if you want to get black belt ninja stuff, it’s asking and getting enthusiastic consent something that Louis C.K. did not get.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And not you know so, yeah I’m just gonna say that.
Cathy: I think it can be really useful and if you’re a shyer person like I am, I do announce that I’m telling jokes because otherwise sometimes people don’t get that I’m telling a joke.
Reid: And that’s funny like that’s funny like that’s good comedy, right? If you’re bad at telling jokes, telling people that this is a joke, that’s great, I think that that’s hilarious. And I think that you can ask people frankly in playful ways too.
Cathy: Yeah. Yeah and even with flirting, I’ve been out on dates with people that I didn’t realize were dates because I don’t always get flirting like I don’t always realize people are trying to flirt with me so I think that using our words to and maybe not on the first glance. We don’t have to just run up to someone “Hey you I wanna flirt with you” we can use some of the like reading the room if we if that if we’re good at that.
Reid: Both reading the room and building relatedness like I…again, if you’re talking to people on the Asperger’s spectrum and other certain types of folks like picking up social cues
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: reading the room, the…the…it is a kind of colorblindness in that situation so then they’re fucked, all of those people are fucked. No like I I’m…I’m and I’m not taking it out on you kind person who left a comment. Please send in the comments I’m just saying embracing this idea and testing it out and getting feedback from people feels weird because we live in a in a culture where people don’t actually have real conversations
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: about what’s actually going on and you know my fieldwork and the people that I’ve worked with, their experiences is that this is really subtle in so many ways and so powerful and most people in society are not going to tell you what’s actually going on for them
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So you’re reading the room if you’re off now you’re creepy
Cathy: Yeah and of course you never have to follow any of our advice but I do think I love it when someone asks if they can flirt with me because I’m like “Oh, that’s what’s going on.”
Reid: Now we know what we’re doing.
Cathy: “Okay, I can flirt back or I can opt out” like there’s
Reid: I can say no and then you said thank you for taking care of yourself and I feel respected because it’s when I say no most people push me to try to change my mind, everywoman
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: on the planet
Cathy: Yeah. So uh you might want to just try it out and see how it goes and maybe not how you’ve done things before but sometimes new things can be really powerful to add in.
Reid: Yeah. Check it out. Try it. We’re not so good but hit subscribe.