Is Online Dating the way to go? Here are some tips for efficiency and finding good fits.
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: One of you wrote in, “Help. I’m sandwiched between my teens, my elderly father, and being super busy at work. I’m looking for a great relationship and an awesome lover. Is online the way to go? I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: What do you think?
Reid: Well, I’m going to assume that the sandwich between thing isn’t a comment for cuddling. She’s not actually trapped in a cuddle pile with her family and that she’s super busy and juggling a bunch of stuff as we all are. Maybe doesn’t have a social life in the traditional way of how do you go out and meet people in the flesh and be like, Hi my name is Reid. What’s your name?
Cathy: I’m Cathy.
Reid: Oh my God, Cathy. It’s so nice to meet you.
Cathy: It’s nice to meet you too.
Reid: You have to go to, “Hi Cathy, this is Reid. It’s so nice to meet you.” Online might be the way.
Cathy: Online can be much more effective time wise, efficiency wise if you have certain criteria that you set early on and you filter people out. If you don’t tell people who you are, if you’re not very specific about who you are … I put on the top of my videos or my online profile that I’m a big woman and I’m not looking to get married. If you don’t like big women or you want to get married, don’t bother. It filters out a lot of people and I had to actually increase the criteria because I was getting so many people messaging me.
Reid: You also had to put note, no penis pictures.
Cathy: Yeah. No crotch shots.
Reid: For women of the internet, as a cisgenderd male bodied individual, I’m so sorry that we just keep sending you dick pictures. I really wish I could change that. I know it’s not cool. For the men out there, stop sending dick pics unless they ask you. If they wanted a dick pic they’ll be like, “Could you send me a dick pic?” Then it’s on like Donkey Kong my friends, or Donkey Dong. Donkey Dong?
Cathy: Here are a couple of things that I do to keep the online dating really efficient. One, I do have very firm criteria at the top of my profile. I filter some people out and some people don’t read profiles. I also have, thanks to Reid’s suggestion.
Reid: Dick pics.
Cathy: No. I put down a couple of questions that I want them to answer. It’s kind of a filtering mechanism. Did they actually read my profile before they reached out to me and can they answer it? For me, humor is very important. I need to know what kind of humor they have. If they’re Larry, Curly, Moe humor, not going to fit. I ask them …
Reid: That explains why you don’t like me.
Cathy: It really does.
Reid: I’m sorry.
Cathy: That’s okay. I ask them to tell me something they find funny or to tell me a funny story. If they answer with that, I know they’re a little more thoughtful and they’ve actually read my profile and they’re willing to meet what my stated need is. I want to go out with people that are going to listen to my needs and meet the ones that they’re yes to. That’s really good way to filter.
I also don’t meet for coffee. I always start with coffee. Again, one of Reid’s really great suggestions, I tell them how it will go. I’ll say we’ll message a little bit, we might Skype or phone quickly and then we’ll meet for coffee. Real coffee, not coffee-coffee.
Reid: Coffee-coffee, not coffee-coffee.
Cathy: Thank you for correcting the quotes. Then we might go to dinner and then I need to take things slow. They have a picture of what they can expect of how it’s going to flow with me, but I don’t meet everybody for coffee. I’m very particular actually.
Reid: Basically, the big thing is, you want to use online dating as an assessment tool and a veting tool and to scare away and force away all the people that you shouldn’t be seeing at all. Online dating can be really useful, it’s a little bit more time consuming in a certain way because you have to vet everybody and swim through the dick pics. Once you get clear, if you can get clear, about what you want and need and are looking for. What you’re looking for is that match for people like, “Oh my goodness. That’s yes.” And you want somebody who actually read your profile and realizes you’re actually asking a question. Then answers that question, probably intelligently to some degree or thoughtfully, and then you guys have a little bit of a conversation. Once you figure out how you pick who you pick, then go and meet them in person. With it being safe, for coffee and things like that. Because too many people get sucked into the online relationship before they’ve actually met somebody.
Cathy: Yeah. They paint a picture.
Reid: Unless you’re looking for an online relationship, which some people are, you need to make it three dimensional at some point after a few engagements.
Cathy: I personally like … I don’t have time in my life to sit and chat a lot. To find out if they were a good fit, I do ask a few questions, I try to see if there are articulate, interesting answers, I ask them what they’re passionate about and if they’re like Seinfeld reruns on a Thursday night, I know they’re not a good fit for me.
Reid: For you. For somebody else, they like Seinfeld every night only.
Cathy: Ask the questions, get real. A lot of times when people are online dating, they’re trying to be what they think the other person wants and we’re not very real. The more real you are, the quicker you’ll find out if they’re a good fit for you and less time to waste.
Reid: If you want help getting clear about things that you can put on your online profile, you can go to ReidAboutSex.com/store and check out the Dating Your Species program. Because that will walk you through the whole thing. That little workshop will give you a lot of the advise that I gave Cathy for her to get clear and then you took the advise and your ran with it.
Cathy: On ThrivingNow.com, in our store, there’s a program called Creating Connection. That has guidelines for writing your profile. My own profile is actually up there.
Reid: Yes, awesome. The only, the last thing, OkCupid.com, really good if you know what you’re looking for, Match.com really good if you don’t know what you’re looking for. The way they do their algorithms. Sometimes the dating site itself can also work in your favor or against you. Awesome. Leave comments.
Cathy: Goodbye.
Reid: Leave comments. Thank you.