Arousal can be uncomfortable and embarrassing. Most of us haven’t been taught to enjoy it, or how to deal with it.
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss enjoying arousal.
Cathy: Hi everyone. I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: What are we talking about today?
Cathy: We’re talking about arousal and dealing with it. A lot of us are afraid of arousal because we’re not sure how to deal with it. I know when I’ve felt it in the past there’s been times when it’s not been appropriate.
Reid: You mean like now?
Cathy: You’re such a goof ball. It sometimes is embarrassing; you’re feeling arousal and it’s … A lot of us … If we haven’t had a lot of touch or we haven’t had outlets for it, it feels like, “Oh my God. I’ve got to have that or I’m going to die.” We start being ashamed or uncomfortable around our own feelings and our own body.
Reid: It can be complex. My advice for those of you who want to geek out on this is … First off, it’s about enjoying the arousal.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Which is mixed messaging because you’re not supposed to enjoy it depending on the household you grew up in. Starting to try to enjoy your arousal is dangerous. One, because it’s going to bring on this wave of shame and two, a lot of us were taught as kids not to be aroused because we cannot control ourselves. Once you’ve got the dog humping your leg, the dog’s not going to stop humping your leg. We get worried. “Oh, shit. If I let myself feel this, I’m going to burst out of control.”
Most of the time, no, you’re not going to burst out of control. Even if you’ve been starving for touch and affection for years, you’re not going to go postal and start humping everyone’s legs at the post office. For most of us, it’s not going to happen. What you can do, is start getting into your body and enjoying the sensations of being alive and being a sexual creature and take the energy of your enjoyment and bring it in. Be like, “Wow. This feels great.” Similar to you crawl into a hot bath or a hot shower and you’re like, “Oh my God. That feels really good.” Arousal’s a little bit more like, “Oh, oh.”
Cathy: “I want to do something about this.”
Reid: “That feels really good.” Enjoy it. Get into your body. You can also develop a healthy fantasy life where you can take that arousal, store it, and get back to work now, and then when you go home, fuck the crap out of yourself. Masturbate, go nuts.
Cathy: Or your partner if you have one.
Reid: Or your partner, as long as they’re consenting. They’ll be like, “Honey, are you asleep?” “Rawr!” unless you’re into that, but the idea of embodying your sensations and making it a good thing.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: If shame is coming up because you’re starting to own and take …
Cathy: Or because you think you’re only supposed to feel it toward your partner and you’re feeling it towards someone else.
Reid: Or something else. This is the thing. There’s what’s physically a turn-on to you and then there’s what’s erotically in your head a turn-on. I don’t think, personally you’re cheating on your partner if somebody walks down the street and you’re like, “Damn!” Don’t say it out loud. “Damn.” Then you’re all turned on; just be turned on. Whatever it was about that person or the situation that got you in your head turned on, enjoy the turn on. That’s just an erotic hit. It wasn’t that you got turned on because you were humping some stranger’s leg. That’s different.
Depending on what your relationship agreements are, humping somebody’s leg, other than your partner’s probably falls under the cheating category. You getting turn on by some situations or something that you saw or watched or even read, that’s not cheating. Enjoy your turn-ons. That’s just my opinion. This is something you can have conversations with your friends and with your loved ones about what is cheating for you. You’re reading an erotic novel, you get turned on. Is that cheating? You see a beautiful person on the street and you get turned on. Is that cheating?
Cathy: Humping their leg.
Reid: I’m humping somebody’s leg. Is that cheating? You can have fun with this conversation that might be very like, “Whoa.” If your partner is like, “Oh. Well, getting turned on by seeing somebody on the street, that’s not cheating.” Then you’re like, “Oh my god. Thank you.” Now you have permission to let that energy course through you, which is about being alive.
Cathy: When you first feel that … When I first started getting more in touch with my body and feeling arousal, it was really kind of shocking to me and I was nervous. I was actually getting a massage from someone and it was a massage, not a massage or massage if anybody’s watched …
Reid: These are dirty air quotes. These are creepy air quotes.
Cathy: This is a massage.
Reid: Regular massage. Legitimate massage, not a massage or a massage.
Cathy: I noticed my body was getting aroused and I was very ashamed. I was getting really tense, which was the opposite of what my intention was, with a massage. I just started relaxing and letting myself feel what my body was feeling but I didn’t have to act on it. I didn’t have to grab him or do anything inappropriate. I went home and I masturbated and it felt great. When I stopped fighting myself and just let myself feel it, it became less this tidal wave and more like this beautiful wave going through my body.
Reid: Energy like that will shift as you let yourself have it.
Cathy: If you don’t fight it.
Reid: You need to practice this and then have your own experience. I can get turned on and enjoy my turn-on in a similar way … and now the video’s going very long. You walk into somebody’s kitchen and they’re cooking something delicious and now all of a sudden your mouth is watering and your stomach’s like, “Oh, yeah.”
Cathy: Got to have that.
Reid: We’re not shamed about walking into people’s kitchen and being like, “Oh my god. What is that?”
Cathy: We tell them, “That’s so amazing. What are you cooking?”
Reid: Not that you need to be telling people in public, “Oh my god. You really turn me on.” People do that too and that’s not appropriate. We need to cut a whole video about, “Don’t yell out what you’re feeling to complete strangers. That’s not cool.”
Cathy: That’s kind of creepy.
Reid: Yeah, it’s creepy. You can enjoy the reaction that you have and really embrace it and not have to try to shut it down because we really were … at least I was taught when I was a kid … My parents are pretty savvy. Don’t get too carried away because you’re going to lose control. That was because we were 9 or 14 or 13 and hopped up on Fudgsicles and sugar and we had no prefrontal cortex development hence we had no impulse control. You’re an adult now. You have some impulse control. You can enjoy your body now. You’re not going to go postal.
Cathy: Feel your arousal. Enjoy it. It’s all okay.
Reid: Comments: Leave them below. Thank you. Bye.
Cathy: Bye.