Poly? Partner Not? What Do You Do?

by Reid on January 20, 2016

Dating young couple happy in love taking selfie self-portrait phYou’re polyamorous, but your partner is not, and he doesn’t have the same sex drive as you do. Basicaly you’re dating people that are not your species? Can Poly/Mono relationship work or is it time to pull the plug?

Here relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com will give advice on what to do in this kind of situation.

Cathy: One of our viewers wrote in and said, “I’m polyamorous, but my wife is not. My wife isn’t particularly kinky and doesn’t have the same drive as I do. I love her and I want to stay with her, but my wife, our therapist, and at least one poly friend seems to think that it’s either being with my wife or having another parter is the choice. One of the other, forget about being polyamorous, or leave my wife. What can I do?”

Reid: Okay, I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from the TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: They mentioned poly and kinky in there, so I want to make a distinction. You can be poly and you can be kinky. You can be kinky and not a poly. Just because you’re poly doesn’t mean you’re kinky, so there is that.

It’s a tough one, I’ve seen Poly/Mono relationships work. Where the monogamous person is really only in a relationship with the poly folk. Basically, the poly person’s lovers and network of whatever constellation is basically extended family. Basically, you’re dating somebody who has a lot of cousins and they’re kissing cousins, if you know what I mean.

Cathy: So he’s basically not dating his sexual species?

Reid: Yeah. It really depends on the monogamous person, and how committed the poly person is to making sure that their, primary who’s the monogamous person, is taking care of like that like you do everything that you can to make sure that your monogamous partner is feeling loved, honored, and cherished.

Cathy: People can date across date your species?

Reid: Sure.

Cathy: It’s just a little more work?

Reid: It’s a little bit more work. Again, it depends on the kind of poly. I don’t know these people, but thank you for writing in. If his kind of poly is a close clad where everybody dates each other, that’s not going to work for the wife.

There are some different poly styles in there that may not be compatible with a Poly/Mono situation, but it can be done. It is a lot of work. It sounds like your therapist, I don’t know. Because maybe your therapist is poly friendly, and maybe the advice that you’re getting is because of the kind of monogamous that your wife is, and the kind of poly that you are. We don’t have the answers for that.

You can e-mail me separately. I do coaching on this kind of stuff too. We do one-on-one session, or couple session. Generally, I wouldn’t recommend any poly people dating monogamous folk. I don’t regularly recommend monogamous people dating poly folk. Because it’s just easier when you do date your species. In this instance, it could work, maybe, but I would need to know more information.

Cathy: You might want to checkout if you don’t like the solution your therapist had given you. It’s okay to get a second opinion to find out if someone has a different solution, and to figure out really what you need out of the relationship. What are your needs in relationship and are they getting met where you are, and finding out what your partners needs are in a relationship, and figuring out if there’s a place where they can overlap that is solid enough to carry you forward. Because if it’s not going to work, if you truly aren’t getting your needs met, or she can’t get her needs met. It may be better to make a decision early on.

Reid: Yeah, do a little bit more research. Get a couple other opinions. A great question and not an uncommon question. There are lots of situations like this. Congratulations for watching videos like this and writing in, and for bringing that conversations out in the open for your wife doing therapy and like really being proactive in this.

Cathy: Great job.

Reid: Good job. Comments.

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