What To Do When I Get Turned On…I Feel Less Deserving For Pleasure?
Is it okay to have a lot of pleasure? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: We had another intrepid viewer write in and say “I noticed that sometimes when I get most turned on I feel like I don’t deserve as much pleasure and I kind of shut down. Is there anything I can do about it? What do you suggest?”
I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: Hello everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli
Cathy: This is
Reid: I’m sitting with Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: Yes this is Cathy. So I think it’s a great question. Sometimes when we are getting turned on feeling too good like “Oh, this is not okay. I don’t deserve this.” You’ve talked about your hamster wheels of death
Reid: mm-hmm
Cathy: and it’s really we get to deserve pleasure we’re humans, we’re alive for as long as we’re in consent with the other person in our…people in our lives then there’s nothing wrong with experiencing…experiencing pleasure.
Reid: Yeah you can check out the…Cathy referenced the hamster wheels. The hamsters the hamster wheel of death which is my way of talking about when I get caught in my head and it just gets bigger and louder in my head. A game that may or may not be for you and this can also be a game that you play solo. A lot of this advice you can you can adjust and use for…for playing with yourself because not everybody is in a partnership or has somebody to…to practice these techniques on you know with a friend or that lover but one of the things you can do if you want, your mileage may vary this might not be your thing is narrate what’s going on
Cathy: Yeah, that’s clever.
Reid: like put…put the…the…the loudspeaker on and then you know like if your partner’s going down on you and you’re like “This feels too good. I…I don’t deserve this” like actually say that
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: you know you tell your partner heads up “I want to practice this thing” because if you’ve never if you’ve never
Cathy: [Inaudible 00:01:48]
Reid: spoken before and you’re like “This feels too good. I don’t deserve it!” And they’re be like “What? Is everything okay? So preface it but you giving words to it one, might be a turn-on for your lover being like “Yeah, you deserve this.”
Cathy: Or even know that you don’t deserve it could be hot too like it
Reid: Oh yeah you could go that way with it too
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: but it’s like but it’s like the…you know like the “oh” like it feels really good and it’s too much pleasure for you, right? Starting to narrate that might…might be fine like for your lover it might be like “Oh, this is kind of neat” but the thing for you to start getting it out rather than having it bounce around you know like a super ball out of a slingshot in a racquetball court like right? Your thoughts when you don’t let them out tend to get momentum and speed and narrating these things can be really useful and helpful especially when you’re with a loving partner or even like a really kind casual hookup, right? Because you’d be like “Hey, just so you know like I have this thing I like…narrate what’s going on in my head”
Cathy: People that are helpful might find that really fun.
Reid: Yeah, they’re like “Okay.”
Cathy: Yeah, I just want to do that.
Reid: like so you…you talk about things while you’re having sex okay you but you using your words about the things that you’re struggling with during sex while that might feel unorthodox, it’s also unorthodox to be watching YouTube videos where we’re giving you advice about sex like that
Cathy: like rock
Reid: that’s not normal
Cathy: You did great.
Reid: You rock! So I’m already telling you that what you’re already doing that is empowering yourself
Cathy: You’ve stepped outside the normal curve
Reid: We’re already out there so let’s just keep going so but try it. When you’re masturbating and you feel like it’s too much you know and…and you can say it out loud, say it and see what that’s like, see what’s on the other side of narrating the…the you know what’s happening in your head while you’re receiving pleasure. That would be like my quick advice to try that first.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Another thing would be like writing like journaling about your stuff
Cathy: or working with a coach. I do a lot of work with self-sabotage, people have limits. They…they think often in families if like my family was they did their best but there was often times if you were happy and they were so unhappy that you got pulled down they’re like “Oh, how dare you like I am miserable, I hate my husband, I hate my wife” like there was a lot of like conflicts so it didn’t feel safe for me to be too happy. And we talked about a lot like upper limits, we have there’s a great that’s a great book but doing either tapping or coaching or some kind of journaling where you can raise those limits because we have internal set points that if we’re feeling too good, things are going too well for us
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: we can self-sabotage, we can like create it so that we’re not enjoying life as much so
Reid: And was it…that book was one, One Giant Leap by Hendricks?
Cathy: Giant, giant…Big Leap
Reid: Big Leap
Cathy: Yeah by
Reid: By
Cathy: Gay Hendricks
Reid: Gay Hendricks
Cathy: Yeah it’s a great book
Reid: It talks about upper limits like what you’re actually comfortable with and if that’s actually real or not.
Cathy: Yeah and I think we do hold our self like I’ve done all….the work I’ve done I’ve seen a lot of growth as I as I a lot changed what I felt like I deserved so and I think humans, our bodies are so amazing like why shouldn’t we just enjoy as much pleasure as a body can feel good with?
Reid: There and there’s a lot of benefits to have to receiving and exchanging consensual pleasure like it’s good for immune system, for blood pressure like all these things. There’s just all these things so being able to lean into in a way that’s congruent for you, your ability to receive and contain more pleasure, studies show that seems to be a good thing. So you may want to try it.
Cathy: Yeah. Let us know what you think. Do you run into this and how have you solved it? We’d love to know.
Reid: Hit subscribe.