What Do You Do If You’re Not In The Mood… And Your Partner Is?!

by Reid on April 16, 2016

Cute Young Couple ArguingWhat do you do when you’re not in the mood for sex and your partner is?

Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share ways to get yourself in the mood and when to say no.

Cathy: What do you do when you’re not in the mood and your partner is?

Reid: In the mood for what?

Cathy: Sex.

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: What do you do?

Cathy: Well, it depends. If I’m really not in the mood, I’ll just tell him an absolute no … I’ll say that, but there are times when I can get in the mood and especially if time is short or we don’t have a lot of time together it’s … can be useful to tune in and see if there’s a yes there.

Reid: How do you get yourself in the mood?

Cathy: I believe you just wrote us a lot of article on this, right?

Reid: I did not write that article. I was quoted in that article.

Cathy: Whatever, yes, so there’s different things that can get me in the mood. Sometimes if I cuddle with my partner and actually that’s a really good way for me to get in the mood. If I cuddle for a little bit usually I start feeling warm and safe and happy then I want to take it further.

Reid: Like start watching videos of you on YouTube? Does that take it up a notch?

Cathy: No, that’s for you.

Reid: First off, it’s okay to not be in the mood.  Your referencing into situations like if you’re only seeing your partner for a day or something like that or somebody you’re dating.

Cathy: They live long distance or something.

Reid: So it’s beneficial to get your freak on, maybe. Are there ways for you to get yourself in the mood? What do you know about yourself that you can leverage that’s good?

I would say, for me, if we’re going to answer that question, it’s more about how … What do you know about sensations that you like that kind of get you in the mood, excite you, or get you to kind of like let go of your nine to five work day and get you into your body kind of sensations?

Then there’s also ideas or thoughts or scenarios which I would call more erotic. What’s erotic that turn you on? So, if you’re cuddling with Batman, per se, maybe that’s your thing.

Cathy: Make sure to have an extra costume or two in the closet.

Reid: That sounds great. Who do you want to be?

Cathy: Catwoman.

Reid: I love cuddling Catwoman. I like to be a little spooned.

Cathy: If you’re genuinely not in the mood even if you’re in a relationship you absolutely get to say that and that was actually what Reid was quoted about in the article.

Reid: There’s the idea too that maybe the need you’re trying to get met, you just think or have to look like sex when maybe what it was, was connection. Cuddling doesn’t have to turn into the sex but gets the need for connection and having you guys bonding or feeling more together than that.

Cathy: How would you tell your partner about, if you weren’t in the mood? How would you tell about … The article was actually about … partly about how you can tell your partner without hurting their feelings?

Reid: Ideally you want to just be creating a relationship where it’s okay to say no and you guys thank each other for taking care of yourselves. The idea there is mostly around how many times have you invited people to do things, they said yes, but then it became apparent during doing whatever you’re doing they really didn’t want to be there or be doing that, and the kind of grief and upset that that creates. Understanding that whenever somebody says no that’s a good thing because they saved you that grief.

Cathy: And they’re being honest with you.

Reid: They’re being honest with you so you can thank them for taking care of themselves. It also allows you to trust their yes more and then think about, “Well, okay, so if you’re not in the mood for sex, what are you in the mood for?” Start creating and negotiating getting whatever needs you think you want to have filled … fulfilled. Then a lot of times when you are getting those needs met, like what you’re saying, you love touch, cuddling gets you into the mood … Whether you actually get to the mood or not isn’t really not the point, but you know yourself well enough to know that if you want to be moving in that direction, cuddling with Batman does that.

Cathy: It might be that full-on sex is not what you’re in the mood for but you might be really open to holding your partner while he or she masturbates. There might be other ways you can create that win-win as well.

Reid: Esther Perel, who’s a really brilliant couple’s therapist talks about is, you don’t always need to be in the mood, you just need to not be a no. Sometimes when you’re just feeling neutral you can create things with your partner that help them fulfill their needs, in ways that are exciting for them and for you you’re like, “Okay, I’m not a no.” Then sometimes in those situations when you are doing something that’s making them feel good and fulfilling their needs, sometimes you get into the mood there.

Cathy: Let us know what you think. We’d love to hear your comments below. What does this bring up? Is this something you can talk to your partner about? I would love to hear from you.

Reid: How do you like to say no?

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