Trying To Rebuild Trust And Your Partner Is Checking Your Phone?

by Reid on September 7, 2016

Unhappy couple not talking after an argument in bed at homeAre you trying to rebuild trust in your relationship but your partner is checking your phone?

With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: What does it mean if you’re trying to rebuild trust in your relationship and your partner’s checking your phone to see who you’re calling and want to know what you’re talking about?

This is Reid Mihalko from, and this is Cathy Vartuli from

Reid: What does it mean? Well, it means if you’re trying to rebuild trust, it means the trust has not been rebuilt yet. You’re still in the process.

Yeah, I mean, this is a whole conversation about privacy. It’s a conversation about what your agreements are in your relationship, like what are healthy boundaries and what makes you guys feel safe physically and emotionally. Then of course we can add spiritually too, right? Like how…where is the sacredness in the connection that you have, and then what activities maintain that sacredness or don’t destroy the sacredness, because for some people flirting with your friends doesn’t dishonor the relationship, but for other people it’s like, “I saw how you looked at them!”

Cathy: Yeah, so if you’re feeling the compulsion to check your partner’s phone, to me that’s a time to have a conversation and share, “Hey, I’m feeling really insecure. I’m noticing that I want to check your phone to know what’s going on. Can we talk about this.”

Reid: Yeah, and bonus points for you if you do a little bit more digging with yourself and try to figure out what’s the need you’re trying to get met or the needs that aren’t being met. I want to check my partner’s phone because I need reassurance that they’re not cheating on me, and the need I’m trying to get met is I just need to know that I’m special and that they love me. This is what’s really interesting is, if you get really good at making your partners or the people you’re dating feeling loved, honored and cherished, and you guys have boundaries and agreements in your relationship that really feel good, like your Hell Yes’s to these boundaries, because they’re boundaries that help keep things healthy, not boundaries to keep out bad behavior because your relationship feels unstable, right?

When you have a strong relationship, and you can make each other feel loved, honored and cherished, then you’ll be surprised how other stuff just doesn’t bother you.

Cathy: Yeah, when your tanks are full, things don’t bother as much.

Reid: Yeah, like, “Oh, my God! Your ex from five years ago texted you!”

Cathy: “You’re gonna have lunch? Oh, I hope you have fun!”

Reid: Yeah, “Please get the hell out of here! I need some alone time. I want to finish my Harry Potter books.” Then it’s like it’s great, because the connection that you guys have is fulfilling the needs that you have between each other and things are nice and solid.

Cathy: Yeah, so if you suspect your partner’s checking your phone, that’s a conversation to have as well.

Reid: I like to text myself or text from a different number and say, “Honey, I’m texting from my friend Joe’s phone. I know you don’t recognize this number and I want you to know that I know you’re checking my phone.” Dun Dun Daaaa! Busted!

Cathy: That might be a bit more passive aggressive than I would like to be.

Reid: It’s cheaper than fingerprinting.

Cathy: Yeah. Well, but you could also talk to them.

Reid: Yeah, you’d be like, “Hey, are you checking my phone?” Then you can just give them the phone, if you’re not hiding anything, and if it’s okay for your privacy settings.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: This is the thing most people don’t understand; when you fall in love somehow all your privacy is supposed to be deleted.

Cathy: No!

Reid: You’re allowed to have a private life, but you guys should talk about what that means and what feels good for each other.

Cathy: You can ask them what their needs are, do they need reassurance in some way, what are their concerns, because just talking about it can help rebuild trust. Usually if there’s a lack of trust there have been either issues that came up or a lack of communication in the past. So practicing by communicating even more than you ever have can help rebuild that, and build better patterns for the future.

Reid: Also for those of you watching this and your partner wants to check your phone because you’ve been being shady, you need to cop to that. This is where it can be really useful and helpful, like go see a therapist either one on one, or go see a therapist- see somebody’s who’s a professional listener who will be able to direct you to resources. I mean, great, I’m hoping just a YouTube video solves everything for you, and get good, strong support from other resources so that you’re not just trying to solve all of your problems alone, or the two of you aren’t just trying to solve all of your problems alone.

Getting support is really powerful and useful and will often shorten your learning curve and allow you guys to have so much more progress with less ease than waiting for the train wreck …

Cathy: Less disease, yeah.

Reid: Yeah, then trying to like pull yourselves out of the wreckage.

Cathy: Yeah, we hope this helps. Please leave comments below and let us know what you think.

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