Reid Gets Punched In The A-hole [Video and Transcript]

by Reid on July 26, 2013

Bawdy Storytelling's website banner logoReid Mihalko from makes an appearance at Dixie De La Tour’s true-life, dirty storytelling event, Bawdy Storytelling, and shares his personal tale about sleeping with one’s heroes for Bawdy’s “Star F*cker” theme. Recorded live in San Fran, June 2013.

Dixie: He is a relationship coach, a sex educator and a role model and a beloved fixture here at Bawdy, we love him, we want you to love him too. First spot give it up hard Reid Mihalko. 

Audience 1: Nice t-shirt. 

Audience 2: Nice nipples. 

Reid: How many of you have ever been punched in the asshole? Thank you. Please leave your hand up if you’ve ever been punched in the asshole by an 80-year-old woman. 

Audience 3: We have a winner. 

Reid: I will name names. Raise your hand if you’ve never … if you are meeting me for the first time. Wow all right then. In the sex ed world I’m known as the golden retriever on espresso of sex educators. How many … raise your hand if you’ve slept with me. I thought there would be more hands. I’m a queer, polyamorous slut. I’m a sex geek as clearly labeled which is my version of flagging. As I became a sex educator and became famous through some of the workshops that got me on Montel and what not, all of a sudden I was hanging out with my sex Ed heroes. The people whose books I read, their videos I watched, and all of a sudden I’m hanging out in their homes talking about sex education. The career of sex education, feminism and orgasms and positive, pleasure positive living and rave culture and we were just talking, geeking out hard. I’m a saphiosexual, which means if you are smart, I want to fuck you. I’m hanging out with my heroes and I’m like, oh. I’m trying to think of what’s appropriate, how do you hit on your heroes?

How do you do that smoothly because I was a seven grader with the Mork and Mindy suspenders and the buttons, and I actually had a t-shirt where I put on the iron arm leathers that said, “Captain Twinkie”. I thought, “Would you like to play Connect Four?” was an adequate pick up line. I had no play then, now living in San Francisco, “Would you like to play Connect Four?” is a pick up line here. I’m trying to figure out, how do I hit on my heroes?

Earlier on I got to meet one of the greatest of my heroes, somebody who in 1968 had their first controversial art-show when I was being born. I never thought that you could feel creepy into the … I noticed, okay, I was a bartender back in college and I’m watching the 40-year-old guys hit on the 20-year-old waitresses and I’m like, “That’s creepy.” Now I’m the 40-year-old guy and I’m like, “I’m creepy.” Then all of a sudden I’m in my 20’s and 30’s and I’m meeting these people either in their 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s and I want to do them and I’m like, is that creepy? No, it’s cool.

I meet somebody who has been called the grandmother of female masturbation. Now imagine … if you don’t know who it is yet don’t … if you know who it is don’t shout out her name. Imagine if you could take the constitution of a silverback gorilla and a liberal dose of a fisherman on the World’s Most Dangerous Catch. Word that into if you’ve seen Pee Wee’s big adventure Large Marge. If you did all that and gave that person a vibrator, that would be Betty Dodson.

Now if I were … if I was born a musician, if I was destined to be a musician and not a sex geek and I would … this would be my version of jamming with Hendrix or Eric Clapton, or Bonnie Raitt and Joan Jett mixed together. I’m sitting there in the beginning of my friendship with Betty and I’m like, how do I do it? How do I get in her pants? What’s going to be the combination? How do I not fuck this up? Because this is like … if I fuck this up she is going to chew me up and spit me out like Godzilla. How do we do this? In a very traditional way, but with email, we start to letter writing.

It was [inaudible 00:06:05], letters to an old feminist. I courted Betty Dodson and found out very quickly that she was not into fancy, she was more into, where are you going to stick it and how? I’m like, “You dirty feminist woman.” I had to step up and I had to rise to the challenge and I’m like, “No, no, no; this is not how we are going to do this. You are going to do me,” and I set the bait, which was this. I said, “Betty I’m more interested in you fucking me.” She was like, “Tell me more.” I’m like, “I don’t mind if you maybe put on a strap-on.” She is like, “I broke my hip, I had hip surgery I’m getting older.” I’m like, “Okay, no strap-on. Perhaps your hands and a dildo,” and she is like, “Tell me more.”

Eventually we set the date, I was in New York; she lives there. I’m in her apartment, I had been there before. We are … we haven’t seen each other in a while, we are catching up; we are talking about the business of sex education and what she is doing. Betty is one of those people that when you call her, she is like, “What do you want? I’m about to die, get to it.” She has had a prolific life, she was the feminist set in the middle of second wave feminism. She was like, “Wait, wait; what about our bodies? We get to have orgasms. We get to fuck the patriarchy literally if we want to,” and that pissed off a whole lot of people. She is like, “Fuck you.” She is holding group gatherings in her apartment where they are all buzzing off, these women using mirrors and exploring their vaginas, kicking ass. Flash forward, I’m on my hands and knees and this is all I can think about. I’m in the apartment where it all happened. I look over my shoulder and there is Betty with her gray faux-hawk, really like a really hot silverback with tits.

She’s starting to fuck my ass and she is like, “You like it like that don’t you?” I’m like, “Yes.” She is like, “You want it a little harder?” I’m like, “Yes.” There wasn’t any kissing, there was no cuddling, it was like, “Get on your knees and I’m like, “Yes.” She is like “How much lube?” I’m like, “Yes.” We are going at it and Betty is hand fucking me and she is like, “Are you ready for the dildo?” She’s like, “You like that don’t you?” I’m like, “Yes.” The whole time I’m like, it’s hard for me to get in my body because I’m being fucked by one of my heroes and I just want to be like, “You are one of my heroes!” But I don’t know if that’s cool.

Now she’s got the dildo in my ass. I’m a progressive man, I can be on my receptive masculine and there I am and I’m naked and she’s naked and she’s getting into it. I’m like, “Wow, I’m getting tooled by an 80-year-old badass feminist and she is getting into it.” In that moment I feel (punching noise) I’m like, “What the …?” Betty says, “Yeah you like it like that.” She pulls her hand back and she fucking punched the dildo and hard.

This is not a frail 80-year-old woman. This is a battle-ax wielding feminist. She hauls up and I’m like, “No!” To her credit, she is like, “Are you okay?” I’m like, “Did you just punch me in the asshole?” I know Betty is going to watch this video. Please come up on this stage Betty, and retell it in your voice; you need to. She kind of like, shook her head and she is like, “Yeah I did; did you like it?” Thank you. 

Dixie: Reid Mihalko.

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