How does the 3 Strikes Rule apply to lying? Does changing your mind count as a lie?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Cathy promised me that was the last video but now we have to shoot another one.
Cathy: Actually I-
Reid: You lied to me!
Cathy: No, you changed your mind.
Reid: Okay, the first video if you haven’t seen it was about lying and there was this really great question about lying versus changing your mind and when is changing your mind lying? Cathy mentioned I have this thing called the 3 strikes rule. I just want to share that with you really quickly. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com and I love your 3 strike rule.
Reid: The 3 strike rule comes from a course that I teach, a workshop called Date Your Species. The 3 strikes rule is things that can happen in your relationship that as long as they get better, you got like 3 strikes, you can pick whatever number you want for the 3 strikes, but you’ve got a couple of times to fail-
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: But this is a learning curve situation.
Cathy: It better be curving.
Reid: As long as it gets better and improves and reaches a place that works for me, then we’re fine.
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: In the scenario, their boyfriend or girlfriend, whoever it was, had lied to them a couple times and they had a 3 strike rule around lying. Then they lied twice and they said they were going to do something with them and then they changed their mind and the person is asking is that a lie or not?
Cathy: Is that the 3rd strike?
Reid: Is that the 3rd strike and is the relationship done? The way that 3 strikes works is if it doesn’t improve by a certain time or frequency, then it becomes a bottom line and the relationship now is going to transition, will come to an end. You get to figure out if it’s really 3, what those things are, what are the 3 strikes?
Cathy: What the time range is, how much improvement you need to see.
Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: You can definitely decide to end a relationship whenever you feel like you want to but if you’re following the 3 strike rule, I don’t think necessarily changing your mind and talking about it ahead of time … Like if I said I’d pick you up at the airport and a week before I say, “I’ve changed my mind. I have something that’s come up. I won’t be able to. I’m glad to help you find someone else to do it and if not I’m glad to give you cab fare. Will that work for you?”
Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: That to me is not a lie. That’s someone saying I’ve changed their mind and helping find a solution so that nobody’s left in a bad place.
Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: Versus you were at the airport all night? That’s funny ha-ha I didn’t remember to pick you up or I changed my mind and I didn’t tell you that I changed my mind.
Reid: It does occur to me that with that question, if they’re saying they changed their mind but in reality they actually lied to you. They were always going to be a no and that would count.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: That would be a 3rd strike.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Some of these rules of mine are very simple but that does not mean they’re easy. Again, as with all of my advice, take what’s useful, chuck the rest. I may be completely full of shit and be giving out horrible advice. Although some people seem to think the things that come out of my mouth sometimes are actually useful.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: Your mileage may vary.
Cathy: What do you think about the 3 strike rule and would you ever use it?
Reid: Cool.