When Someone Likes You More Than You Like Them…

by Reid on August 19, 2016

portrait of beautiful lesbian couple in loveWhat do you do when someone likes you more than they like them? How can you deal with the shame on either side…

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Here is my Difficult Conversation article: ReidAboutSex.com/Difficult-Conversation-Formula/

Reid: You like somebody more than they like you. Or they like you more than you like them.

Cathy: Hi Reid.

Reid: Hi Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Hi Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Let’s talk about this scenario, shall we?

Cathy: It can be really uncomfortable when someone likes you more than you like them.

Reid: Awkward.

Cathy: Yeah. Our society puts a lot of pressure. At least I’ve experienced it as a female a lot that there is blame and I’m curious what’s your experience has been. There is kind of a blame if someone likes you. What did you do to make them like you and you have to take care of their feelings. There is a hook there. That you should make sure they are okay about it and that they are taken care of.

Reid: We already have a video. We are talking about how to deal with unwanted attention so you might want to search that one out.

Cathy: Mini stalking.

Reid: Yeah. We also have the mini stalking one. Where this falls in my way of looking at the universe is can you talk about it? Talk to the person. Be like, “Hey let’s go have a cup of coffee. I feel like you like me more than I like you. Do you want to talk about this?” Now, most people are like, “Oh. You can’t talk about it.”

Cathy: No. You got to pretend and hope they don’t notice.

Reid: Listen, that’s romantic comedy movie bullshit. The friend zone and all, we should really do a video on friend zones. All of this in romantic Hollywood movie, if you actually watch movies like this, all the comedy and the drama and the torture comes from people not saying what’s actually going on.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Having the ability to have a frank conversation. Also means you identify something is going on. It’s like, “Oh my goodness I’m noticing this.” Then you have to sit down and have the courage to say it with somebody and the courage to go like, oh my God what it they don’t handle it well? Difficult conversation formula on my website by the way will help you with all of that. Having the real conversation which can also include, “Hi I feel like I like you more than you like me.”

Cathy: A lot of people have shame about that and I have felt very ashamed in the past when I liked someone more than they liked me. One day I realized, and I can still feel ashamed sometimes, but it’s just a liking. There is not anything. It’s like liking. It’s a feeling. It doesn’t mean that anything is bad or wrong or I have less status than they do.

Reid: It’s like a Facebook thumbs up in your heart with somebody else. No? Too soon?

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: What you should consider in this conversation of liking somebody or somebody liking you. When you sit down and talk to them is really it’s an inquiry you’re just exploring ideas and options. I had lots of crushes on people and I know that I needed to tell them or else I will get so weird around them that they will get weird by how weird I am. Rather than me earlier on being like, “Hey just so you know I have a mad crush on you and can you let me know is it reciprocated at all? Should we explore this? Should I back off? Is it okay if I just like you from a far in a non creepy non stalky way? What do we need to do?”

That conversation brings me closer to somebody not in a strategy way but we get to be real with each other. It gets to normalize the fact that you can like people and they not like you back and it’s fine. It’s really about the talking. It can be really awkward and harrowing if in talking about it they run away and they never want to talk to you again. Well, guess what? They are not the person for you to be crushing on anyway. They just proved that they can’t handle any kind of connection. It’s still going to sting but it’s way healthier than all this throbbing pent up weirdness that happens.

Cathy: It can be so painful because our society does teach a lot about soul mate and finding that one person. If you feel an intense liking to someone you may feel it’s easy to get caught up in that belief and think if that person doesn’t like me back I’m never going to have anyone. That can bring up a lot of aches as well.

Reid: Then there is also the double trap of if I’m already in love with somebody and like somebody else I must not really be in love with you. I think you should just whether you are monogamous or non-monogamous or however you identify, society doesn’t tell you can only like one song. What? You like other songs. You like other musicians? How dare you? No. You can have a bunch of songs that you love, that you like and have a healthy fully self expressed life. When you like people that you know and you can’t tell them, then things start to get weird and weird pressures can build up.

Now, my brother and sister-in-law live in a small town so it might be awkward if my brother because they are married like somebody else and tell somebody else, you know, tells whomever, “Hey, I like you.” Maybe there is a little bit of trickiness in small communities with that. I like to frame it as you can have crushes on people and it’s healthy and maybe Mrs. Jones doesn’t need to know you have a crush on them. I think that’s different and I can give advice about that but that’s different than you’re single the other person is single you’re friends or you’re kind of dating. You need to have this conversation.

Cathy: Yeah. Talking about it with a friend or a therapist, just getting it out because when it’s just spinning around in your heart and you have all these feelings it can be really easy to get bigger and bigger. Telling someone, hey I have a crush, it kind of normalizes it a little bit so you can say, “I have a crush on that person. I’m feeling intense liking. I like feeling intense liking sometimes. It’s much better than having nobody to like. It’s too bad they don’t like me back as much. ”

Reid: Yeah. Framing things as crushes can be really healthy. Society doesn’t really pooh-pooh crushes. You’re allowed to have puppy love and crushes so sometimes just putting it in that framework and you’re like, “Well this is exciting when I’m around this person. Not too torturous and maybe I should tell them what’s going on so they don’t freak out when they see I have written their name all over my notebook.”

Cathy: In hearts.

Reid: Oh and forever.

Cathy: We’re bringing humor in but we do understand this can be a very painful subject. We’d love it if you’d leave comments and let us know what you’re feeling or what you’re experiencing and if any of these tips help or if you have tips of your own.

Reid: Or if you just want to tell us you have crushes on us.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: