When A Single Man Wants To Go To A Swingers Club…

by Reid on May 19, 2016

Businessman at home working on laptopIt can be challenging for a single man to go to a swingers club, how can you make a difference?

Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com share.

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that he’d like to go to a swingers club. He wanted to experience it, but he’s a single male and he wants to know how to get sponsored so he can go. Do you have any suggestions?

Reid: When you say “sponsored”, it makes it sound like it’s a 12-step program. I’m just saying I don’t know if swinging is like that.

Cathy: Approved or —

Reid: Approved? Here’s the quick swinger 101 if you don’t know. Swinging is a type of non-monogamy where people have consensual sex with multiple people, or can, because you can be a swinger and not have sex with anybody. You just identify as a swinger. It can get more complicated.

Basically let’s say that you’re a swinger. That means you like having sex with other people who may or may not be in relationships. Usually because swinging is kind of heteronormative in that it’s male/female couples where the women are usually bisexual and the men are usually not bisexual. That’s how it used to be and it still is in some situations.

It’s a little bit more flexy these days because people are in ‘modern relationships’. But for the most part it’s couples-based consensual non-monogamy where people go to events or to places like a swing club, swinger event or a swingers club, to meet other like-minded people for possibly playing or just socializing.

You get to make friends and maybe you hang out with them another time. Maybe that’s sexual or maybe there’s sexuality stuff that happens at the event. All that stuff is just basically to give you a rundown on swinging.

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid: We’re still these people at the beginning of the video. We just forgot to tell you.

The problem or the challenge is if you are a single man, most swinger events do not allow for single men because they’re trying to keep some sort of gender balance. Hypocritically speaking though, single women, come on in. The more the merrier.

If you’re a single man who’s a swinger or if you’ve been a swinger and in a relationship and then you break up and now you’re single, it can be really challenging to find clubs or events that will allow you to come.

Cathy: I looked it up after I got the question. I’m not … I don’t go to swingers clubs personally and I was really surprised that some nights single women can get in free or $20 for —

Reid: Or whatever the amount is.

Cathy: The single man might be $100 and a couple might be $50. I was really surprised at the difference of prices.

Reid: If you’re in the swing community, this has been going on for eons. Some people get upset about the weirdness around money and classism and equality, all this stuff.

That’s not what this video is about.

Strategy for if you’re a single man. What I would do is I would e-mail or contact the club or the event. Contact the organizers and ask them how you can help. If you can volunteer for the event. How can you be of service and of value so that people who organize these events get to know you and get to know you as a rad, like an awesome person.

Then you’re not just the single guy anymore. You’re ‘Bob’ who always helps us with clean-up. That way you might be able to get an invitation and be of service and of value. It also helps people not deal with you as a stranger like you’re the person no one knows. They get to know you socially.

Cathy: If they offer classes, attending the classes so that people get to see that you’re paying attention to the rules.

Reid: Because swinging is ultimately about community. It just happens to be a community where sex is allowed. So how can you become a community member?

Then all of a sudden it’s like, “Oh well, ‘Bob’ doesn’t have a date, but we love ‘Bob’. Do you remember that time that ‘Bob’ helped us out in that jam with the blah, blah, blah?”

That’s my best strategy is contact the organizers and just let them know like, “Hey, you know, I know that I’m single and that’s usually not allowed at events, but can I help with the event? Can I be a volunteer and get in or not get in to the party because I want to get to know you guys so I’m not a stranger?”

Very different than, “Dear Organizers. I don’t have a date. Can I come?”

That’s my best advice around how to be a single guy in the swing community. Other advise is really, you know —

Cathy: I run some local events that are non-sexual but people are really … We do cuddle parties and other things where people are touch positive and open to talking about things.

I know some people that have, they’ve gone as a couple to an event just because they wanted to see what it was about. So you might, if you have some friends that are curious about it, some female friends, you could invite them to come along, say, “I’ll pay your $20 ticket or whatever or however you want to do it just so we can check it out together.”

It’s kind of nice not to go by yourself the first time.

Reid: You can create like a field trip kind of environment. Maybe get a bunch, go as a group.

Again, if it’s just a single guy and you don’t have friends to invite, make yourself available and useful to the organizers, to the community itself and then all of a sudden you’re not a stranger.

Really this ‘no single guy’ thing has a lot to do with mitigating clunky men in the community, sexually and also the ‘stranger effect’. A lot easier to invite somebody that you know well and know as an awesome person than trying to make an exception for somebody that you don’t know and you don’t know how they’re going to behave in the space.

I hope this was useful for you guys. Leave comments below. What are your strategies, theories, advice?


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