Lots of programs promise to teach you how to make your partner completely loyal and monogamous, should you take them?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: We have a lot of solicitation on our sight sometimes.
Reid: Oh really?
Cathy: And someone…
Reid: Oooh…
Cathy: Various different things. But this fine thought was really interesting and I want to talk about it because it really got my attention. There talking about how to make sure your man is fully monogamous. According to them it’s very difficult to find man who commit to their relationships but you can behave in a certain way to make them declare their love and…
Reid: and win them …witchcraft!
Cathy: So basically you’re creating them to be monogamous.
Reid: Okay
Cathy: And I just wanted to talk about that because I mean it’s the opposite of what we talk about but I think sometimes bringing out the points can help people understand what they are talking about. This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: The thing is we can’t change someone’s nature by how we act. The truth is you can be the prettiest, smartest whatever adjective you want and if someone’s poly, they’re poly. They’re not going to be monogamous.
Reid: I mean you just look at the headlines and check-out line on the tabloids. Even the pretty people could cheat on. But it’s that mean monogamous is not possible, Cathy?
Cathy: Monogamy is very possible for many people.
Reid: Okay
Cathy: And I think having really a powerful communication skills and creating a space for its safe to tell the truth and share what we are feeling that can create a beautiful relationship whether you’re looking for a monogamy or whatever form of relationship. But when people talk about there’s a lot of this after that if you behave a certain way you can create your partner to do something. You can make your partner more attentive. You can make your partner like declares that I’m in love…
Reid: Hypnotism, the power of suggesting.
Cathy: To me it feels manipulative rather inauthentic.
Reid: Well so the manipulation piece, if we could get people to do what we want ..
Cathy: Yes. I’ve been trying for years.
Reid: Yes and you cannot do what we want. If we could do that sometime then we could all be successful parents because unless this powers do not work on children. I don’t think you should be trying to control people personally. I think you should be having adult savvy conversations practicing your adulting skills together. And then, date people and continue to be a stand in your relationships for being real with each other. And then ideally even if people are tempted to stray like, let’s say you’re in a monogamous relationship people are tempted to stray, then you have a relationship when you guys can talk about the temptations which helps dissolve a lot of it or at least it doesn’t build up this weird secretive power and then starts to get all of distraction because its taboo.
Cathy: Right
Reid: And if you’re not talking about the stuff that you’re worried about and this kind of marketing is tapping on people’s worries…
Cathy: Their fear that can…
Reid: And their concerns and so it’s great marketing from a pain perspective
Cathy: And not very aspirational.
Reid: No, it’s not very oh there’s hope and joy that you can be yourself and people will love you for who you are and you can negotiate monogamy in how to be healthy and if you have struggles you can work through them. No, it’s learn how to ensure that they must be the thing so you don’t have to worry anymore which is not real like you’re not having a real relationship then.
Cathy: And it means that the person you’re in whatever their actions are it kind of puts you in a box and [inaudible 00:04:10] these books just out of curiosity like, “What are they’re talking about?” And it’s a lot about behavior, how you have to act in order to be acceptable for that. I think too much better solution is having a conscious relationship agreements. The problem is very few people have conscious relationship agreements. They have oh… of course you’re not going to cheat, of course you’re not going to do or he won’t look on anyone else. Whatever we have absorb in our culture and the problem is two different people have two different cultural experiences trying to get together and understand what each of the means. It doesn’t always work out. So having conscious agreements and say, “Hey, if that’s what you want I would like a monogamous relationship where you are only sexual with me.”
Reid: And understand that it’s hard to pin point assumptions or expectations that you have that are not explicit, they are unvoiced. We’re just from human beings. Being human being you have thoughts about what’s going on and have not check in about.
Cathy: Yeah!
Reid: Or you’re ashamed or feel guilty about the thing that you want or you don’t want to ask because then if there’s proof that it’s going to be happening and a lot of stuff running subconsciously. So you don’t even know that you’re not doing it. This is where for me you know is a geek like trying to always be as conscious as possible has just helped have more powerful relationships. None of them are perfect but they’re way more powerful and when mistakes get made we can usually handle it better because we can show up as adults so we tools to talk all things through.
Cathy: Yeah!
Reid: So then, for my perspective dating your species is like doing the work to the extent that you know what you are looking for. Just check in and make sure the other person wants similar things that just helps. You can do that even if you’re in an existing relationship.
Cathy: Yeah. Reid has an amazing program called Relationship 10x, it’s an online program and he does a lot of this funny common intentions and discussing it. I haven’t seen it taught anywhere else like this.
Reid: If it is, let me know because I want to know who else is teaching geeky stuff like this. There’s a lot of good resources out there if you like some free training videos, go to Relationship, the number 10x, ten times better relationships, Relationship10x.com. It’s time for some free videos. If you like the course, then buy the course. That’s it.
And notice when people are marketing to your fears and making promises that you behaving your certain way, who guarantee or change another person’s behavior, it kind of doesn’t work like that.
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